TOOLS EXPLAINED
03-07-2003, 01:08 AM
#1
Race Director
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St. Jude Donor '09
TOOLS EXPLAINED
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer now days is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to "adjust". Available in a variety of sizes, which is typically chosen based on the amount of time you have already wasted attempting to "solve a problem". Available with a head made of steel, plastic, brass or hard rubber. As a side note, only the steel head has a practical use, no logical use for the other materials has ever been discovered. Some models equipped with the fly away head option. AKA "Ford Wrench", "BFH", "Wound Inflicting Hammer"
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Used for spinning steel pop rivets in their hole until you die of old age. Some larger models are capable of turning the users wrist in amazing directions never before imagined just as the bit starts to break through the material you’re drilling.
SLIP JOINTED PLIERS: Primarily used to round the heads off of bolts. The joint slips and only grips items slightly larger then what you were originally trying to grip. Most have an area to cut wire at the base of the jaws. The "cutter" is good for squishing and mutilating wire where you would have liked to cut it.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the garage, splattering it on the Bud Girls poster above the bench grinder.
BENCH GRINDER: This devise is equipped with a wire wheel on one end and a grinding wheel on the other end. The wire wheel is used to clean debris off of old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned calluses in about the time it takes to say "Reggie Fountain". The grinding wheel is used primarily for starting small surprise fires at you feet. Also has the ability to transport the object your working on great distances.
PHONE: Tool for calling your wife. Useful for canceling dinner reservations you and the her had, and ordering pizza delivery when the "three hour job" you started in the morning has now moved into the evening hours.
GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for scraping dog doo off your shoes.
E-Z OUT BOLT & STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in broken bolts or studs and is ten times harder then any known drill bit.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument used for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE GRIPS: Used to round off the heads of bolts. If nothing else is available, they can be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
RATCHET: Bolt removal tool typically equipped with a breakaway pop-top. This tool can also double as a hammer. Used with sockets that automatically fall off when you get near the bolt you want to remove. Sockets typically fall off and run and hide like critters. Changing directions requires a deft touch and a smart rap on a hard surface, and it might hold…and it might not…..not for the high blood pressure types.
TIN SNIPS: From the same family as the hacksaw. Comes in right and left handers, but neither will go where you want it without religious training. Perfect for ruining light- weight steel, copper, aluminum, brass, etc.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanics own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, the sunshine vitamin, which is otherwise not found under engine hatches at night. Health benefits aside, it’s main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that the 105-mm Howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark then light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of containers and splash the contents onto your shirt. Doubles as a center punch, can also be used as the name implies, to round out Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes the energy produced by a power plant 100 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 10 years ago by someone in Missouri, and rounds them off.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Used for spinning steel pop rivets in their hole until you die of old age. Some larger models are capable of turning the users wrist in amazing directions never before imagined just as the bit starts to break through the material you’re drilling.
SLIP JOINTED PLIERS: Primarily used to round the heads off of bolts. The joint slips and only grips items slightly larger then what you were originally trying to grip. Most have an area to cut wire at the base of the jaws. The "cutter" is good for squishing and mutilating wire where you would have liked to cut it.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the garage, splattering it on the Bud Girls poster above the bench grinder.
BENCH GRINDER: This devise is equipped with a wire wheel on one end and a grinding wheel on the other end. The wire wheel is used to clean debris off of old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned calluses in about the time it takes to say "Reggie Fountain". The grinding wheel is used primarily for starting small surprise fires at you feet. Also has the ability to transport the object your working on great distances.
PHONE: Tool for calling your wife. Useful for canceling dinner reservations you and the her had, and ordering pizza delivery when the "three hour job" you started in the morning has now moved into the evening hours.
GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for scraping dog doo off your shoes.
E-Z OUT BOLT & STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in broken bolts or studs and is ten times harder then any known drill bit.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument used for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE GRIPS: Used to round off the heads of bolts. If nothing else is available, they can be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
RATCHET: Bolt removal tool typically equipped with a breakaway pop-top. This tool can also double as a hammer. Used with sockets that automatically fall off when you get near the bolt you want to remove. Sockets typically fall off and run and hide like critters. Changing directions requires a deft touch and a smart rap on a hard surface, and it might hold…and it might not…..not for the high blood pressure types.
TIN SNIPS: From the same family as the hacksaw. Comes in right and left handers, but neither will go where you want it without religious training. Perfect for ruining light- weight steel, copper, aluminum, brass, etc.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanics own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, the sunshine vitamin, which is otherwise not found under engine hatches at night. Health benefits aside, it’s main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that the 105-mm Howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark then light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of containers and splash the contents onto your shirt. Doubles as a center punch, can also be used as the name implies, to round out Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes the energy produced by a power plant 100 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 10 years ago by someone in Missouri, and rounds them off.
03-07-2003, 03:12 AM
#2
Safety Car
Re: TOOLS EXPLAINED (Desertdawg)
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: I like that one. They learned all that by watching me.:lol:
You know you're going to cause another one of those "no more off topic in the C3 section" posts. ;)
-Justin
You know you're going to cause another one of those "no more off topic in the C3 section" posts. ;)
-Justin
03-07-2003, 05:21 AM
#4
Safety Car
Re: TOOLS EXPLAINED (Twin_Turbo)
:lolg: :lolg: :lolg: :lolg: :lolg: :lolg: :lolg:
this may just be the funniest thing i have ever read...!!
i laughed so hard reading this that tears flowed from my eyes and my when wife heard me, she came in and asked me if i was ok... :lol:
as a matter of fact i printed this out and i intend on making a sign with this on it to hang on the wall by my tool box in the shop...thanx :yesnod:
[Modified by SIGNGUY, 5:39 AM 3/7/2003]
this may just be the funniest thing i have ever read...!!
i laughed so hard reading this that tears flowed from my eyes and my when wife heard me, she came in and asked me if i was ok... :lol:
as a matter of fact i printed this out and i intend on making a sign with this on it to hang on the wall by my tool box in the shop...thanx :yesnod:
[Modified by SIGNGUY, 5:39 AM 3/7/2003]
03-07-2003, 06:16 AM
#6
Le Mans Master
Re: TOOLS EXPLAINED (Desertdawg)
SLIP JOINTED PLIERS: Primarily used to round the heads off of bolts. The joint slips and only grips items slightly larger then what you were originally trying to grip. Most have an area to cut wire at the base of the jaws. The "cutter" is good for squishing and mutilating wire where you would have liked to cut it.
IF you get really high quality ones, (like the kind you find at flea markets), they will slip just at the right time, saving the bolt from being rounded off but pinching you fingers between the handles.
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
IF you get really high quality ones, (like the kind you find at flea markets), they will slip just at the right time, saving the bolt from being rounded off but pinching you fingers between the handles.
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
03-07-2003, 08:55 AM
#10
Burning Brakes
Re: TOOLS EXPLAINED (RMVette)
that is good Dwayne are you the author?? If So hit SignGuy up for Royalties While you can he'll be selling them signs. :D
03-07-2003, 10:36 AM
#11
Le Mans Master
Re: TOOLS EXPLAINED (Desertdawg)
Those are so true. I'm laughing so hard I can't see. Thanks for the entertainment.
03-07-2003, 11:36 AM
#14
Melting Slicks
Member Since: Jul 2001
Location: Massapequa Park NY
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Re: TOOLS EXPLAINED (Desertdawg)
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the garage, splattering it on the Bud Girls poster above the bench grinder.
BENCH GRINDER: This devise is equipped with a wire wheel on one end and a grinding wheel on the other end. The wire wheel is used to clean debris off of old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned calluses in about the time it takes to say "Reggie Fountain". The grinding wheel is used primarily for starting small surprise fires at you feet. Also has the ability to transport the object your working on great distances.
BENCH GRINDER: This devise is equipped with a wire wheel on one end and a grinding wheel on the other end. The wire wheel is used to clean debris off of old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned calluses in about the time it takes to say "Reggie Fountain". The grinding wheel is used primarily for starting small surprise fires at you feet. Also has the ability to transport the object your working on great distances.
[Modified by 70BBvert, 11:37 AM 3/7/2003]
03-07-2003, 06:05 PM
#16
Instructor
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Re: TOOLS EXPLAINED (Desertdawg)
Why is everyone laughing? This is an accurate a literary piece as I have read in some time. Very serious, insightful discourse. These definitions should be in Webster's.
03-08-2003, 12:37 AM
#20
Race Director
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St. Jude Donor '09
Re: TOOLS EXPLAINED (paso)
that is good Dwayne are you the author?? If So hit SignGuy up for Royalties While you can he'll be selling them signs. :D
And laughed my butt off the whole time I was copying and pasting... :lol: