Friday funnies 11-30
 

You may have heard that Hostess Bakery plants shut down due to a workers' strike. But you may not have heard how it was split up.

The State Department hired all the Twinkies, the Secret Service hired all the HoHos, the generals are sleeping with the Cupcakes and the voters sent all the Ding Dongs to Congress. :yesnod:

A love story, male version.

A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed.

As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was suddenly nowhere around.

She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. Because she was so worried, she called him on his mobile phone to ask him where he was.

In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago, the one where you fell in love with that expensive diamond necklace, the one that we could not afford? And how I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said,
"Oh, yes, of course I remember that jewelry store.... are you there?"

He said, "Well, I'm in the Hooters right next to it."

An irate old lady called the newspaper office loudly demanding to know where her Sunday paper was.

"Madam," said the newspaper employee, "Today is Saturday. The Sunday edition is not delivered until tomorrow, Sunday."

There was a long pause on the other end of the line.

Then she was heard to mutter, "Well, darn, that explains why no one was at church this morning."

It was April and the Aboriginals in a remote part of Northern Australia asked their new elder if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was an elder in a modern community he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the tribe should collect firewood to be prepared.

But being a practical leader, after several days he had an idea.

He walked out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the Bureau of Meteorology and asked, 'Is the coming winter in this area going to be cold?'

The meteorologist responded, 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold.'

So the elder went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the Bureau of Meteorology again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'

The meteorologist again replied, 'Yes, it's going to be a very cold winter.'

The elder again went back to his community and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later the elder called the Bureau again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?' he asked.

'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever.'

'How can you be so sure?' the elder asked.

The weatherman replied, 'Our satellites have reported that the Aboriginals in the north are collecting firewood like crazy, and that's always a sure sign.'

A young man finally got a job at the Post Office. He was full of energy and eager to please. The supervisor agreed to work with the new employee, even though he had been warned that he was still immature and knew nothing of the job.

The first job the supervisor gives the young man is in sorting, and much to everyone's surprise, the new employee separated the letters so fast that his motions were literally a blur. The supervisor was very pleased and asked the young man to come into his office at the end of the day.

He said, "I just want you to know that we are all very proud of you. You're one of the fastest workers we have ever had."

The humble young man said, "Thank you, sir. And tomorrow, I'll try to do even better."

"Better?" the supervisor asked with astonishment. "How can you possibly do better?"

The young man smiled proudly and said, "Tomorrow, I am going to read the addresses

A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting and he was reading the latest issue of Farmer's Weekly. He looked up from the page and said to her,
"Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"

She looked at him wistfully, smiled, and replied,
"Oh yes? Prove it."

He frowned for a moment, then said, "Okay."
He then got up and walked out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.

About a half an hour later, he returned all tired and sweaty and proclaimed,
"Well I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig was squealing, I couldn't be sure."

A young girl unexpectedly walks in on her parents having sex, Mum on top. After surveying the scene for a moment or two, she asks what they are doing.
"I was just letting some of the air out of Dad because he's too fat," said Mum.
The girl replies, "What's the point? The lady next door is just going to blow him up again tomorrow like she usually does."

8
Two repair men were walking along examining the railway track, chatting casually.
"I had a great shag near here the other day," said one of them, "a great girl, she had a lovely body and the longest smoothest legs you can imagine. Gagging for it she was. The best sex I've had in years!"
"Well," said the other, she must have been a bit of a dog to go with you. What did she look like? Blonde hair I suppose."
"Dunno," said the first, "I couldn't find her head."

One day, a man walked into a dentist's surgery and asked how much it would cost to extract a wisdom tooth.
"Forty quid," the dentist said.
"That's a ridiculous amount," the man said. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"
"Well," the dentist said, "if you don't use an anaesthetic, I can knock the price down to 30 pounds."
Looking annoyed, the man said, "That's still far too expensive!"
"Okay," said the dentist. "If I save on time and simply rip the tooth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to 10 pounds."
"Nope," moaned the man, "it's still too much."
"Well," said the dentist finally, scratching his head, "if I let one of my students do it using pliers, I suppose I can knock the price down to a fiver."
"Marvelous!" said the man. "Book my wife in for next Tuesday!"

24
Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg?
Because they won't stop to ask directions.

A man was constipated, so he decided to go to the doctor. The doctor examined him and explained,
"I'm going to give you some suppositories. I'll insert one now, and then I'll give you another one for later this evening."

Later that evening, the man asks has his wife to insert the suppository. She agrees reluctantly, puts one hand on his shoulder and inserts the suppository. Suddenly, her husband shrieks,
"Aahhhhh!"
"What's wrong? Did I hurt you?" she asks.
"No... I just realised that the doctor had both his hands on my shoulders!"

A man is hitch-hiking up the dual carriageway when a lorry stops for him. As he climbs into the cab he notices a monkey sitting on the dashboard. After chatting for a few miles, he asks the driver what the monkey is for. The driver says,
"I'll show you." He hits the monkey very hard with the back of his hand, sending the poor creature rolling across the cab. The monkey picks itself up and disappears between the drivers legs, unzips his jeans, pulls out the driver's willy and proceeds to give him a blow job. Afterwards the monkey gets some tissues, cleans the driver up, zips it all back and jumps back up on the dashboard.
"See that?" said the trucker.
"Yeah, bloody amazing!" says the man. Then trucker asks the him,
"Do you want to give it a try?" The man says,
"OK, but don't hit me as hard as you hit that monkey....."

A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean, but just before she could
throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we
are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take
care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always
wanted to go to Italy , the woman accepted. That night the sailor
brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable
compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her
three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until
dawn. Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a
routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He
brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy."

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."


"He certainly is," replied the captain.


"This is the Staten Island Ferry."

stolen from joelegarde
 

hi vicz, hope ur doin well.....


A Good Catholic Joke

The Pope and Obama are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Mr. Obama and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Obama replied, "I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand....Show me!"

So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage!

AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY!

Kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?........:thumbs:

Canadian Logic
 

Two Ontario farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite
bar, drinking beer. Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm
tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I
think I'll go to the community college, and sign up for some
classes." Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets the Dean of
Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math,
English, History, and Logic.


"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"
The Dean says, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"

"Yeah."

"Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard."

"That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."

"Yes, I do have a house."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically
have a family."

"Yes, I have a family."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you
must have a wife. And because you
have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing; you were able to find out
all of that because I have a weed eater."

Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and
leaves to go meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his
classes, how he is signed up for Math, English,
History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"

Jim says, "I'll give you an example. Do you have a
weed eater?"

"No."

"Then you're a queer."
:canadaflag:

E-mooning
 

A new phenomenon called
E-MOONING
We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:

:) means a smile and

:( is a frown.


Well, how about some 'ASSICONS?'
Here goes:


(_!_) a regular ass


(__!__) a fat ass


(!) a tight ass


(_*_) an ass hole


{_!_} a swishy ass


(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_x_) kiss my ass


(_X_) leave my ass alone


(_zzz_) a tired ass


(_E=mc2_) a smart ass


(_$_) Money coming out of his ass


(_?_) Dumb Ass

What will they think of next category......

don't let him catch your cursor!.......
http://www.selfcontrolfreak.com/pakken.html

help this guy get accross the road......
http://www.selfcontrolfreak.com/crossroads/

If you think life is bad......

How would you like to be an egg?

You only get laid once.

You only get eaten once.

It takes four minutes to get hard.

Only two minutes to get soft.

You share your box with 11 other guys

But worst of all..

the only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother!!!

So cheer up, Your life ain't that bad!!!!

Pass it around to someone who you feel can use a good lay,

Oops....I mean day!!!!!

:jester

this one courtesy of Paul (fawnduece).......




THE GLASGOW BROTHEL


The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir?" she asked..

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam.

"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.


Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive.


There were no discounts, the price was still £5000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, he left.The following night the man was there yet again.


Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row.

Where are you from?


The man replied, " Edinburgh" .

"Really", she said. "I have family in Edinburgh .


"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor".


"I was instructed to deliver your £15,000 inheritance in person"...



The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain...


1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer


:yesnod: :jester

Beware of cagey old guys

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

http://oi45.tinypic.com/sb796f.jpg

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the alligator....'

Some old men can still think fast !!:D

:jester

:lolg:

How to get your cat to come inside.......:D

Old married folks.....

An old man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there as a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, “When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”.
Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared.
To everyone’s relief he died of a heart attack when he was 98. His wife had a closed casket at his funeral. After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked “Aren’t you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?”.

The wife said “Let him dig. I had him buried upside down. And I know he won’t ask for directions.”

:jester

The top ten times through history when the "F" word was justified....

http://i111.photobucket.com/albums/n...psdc876677.jpg

I thought this was a great practical joke.
If you haven't already seen it, check it out.

The Wednesday-night church service coincided with the last day of
hunting season.

Our pastor asked who had bagged a deer. No one raised a hand.

Puzzled, the pastor said, "I don't get it. Last Sunday many of
you said you were missing because of hunting season. I had the
whole congregation pray for your deer."

One hunter groaned, "Well, it worked. They're all safe."

Kerrmudgeon's post #20, about the 3 skinny-dippers in the old farmer's pond, recalls another story about that same old farmer.

One day he wandered down by his pond and there was a young lady just about to get into the water. She was stark naked, and her clothes had been hung on a tree quite a ways away.

Frightened, she looked around and saw a large old metal tub sitting in the weeds. She grabbed the tub and held it in front of her. Deciding the farmer had deliberately come to spy on her, her fright turned to anger.

"Do you know what I think....?" she demanded angrily.

The farmer nodded. "Yup. You THINK the bottom has not rusted out of that there tub yet!"

:lol:

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out- "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"

Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin' my head in that hole!"

Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling,
"Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it ?!"

It's a beautiful, warm, spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting,
pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and a T- shirt.

The zoo is not very busy this morning. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of large,hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along.
She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.

"Now try lifting your dress up. Show your thighs and sort of fan it a him," he says. This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy, and now he's doing flips.

Then the husband grabs his wife, rips open the door to the cage,flings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut.

"Now, try telling HIM you have a headache."

For College Football Fans:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gODZzSOelss&sns=em

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.

After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles."

"She did," he replied. "But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?"

A union shop foreman walks into a bar next door to the factory and is about to order a drink to celebrate Obama’s victory when he sees a guy close by wearing a Romney for President button and two beers in front of him. He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is a Republican. So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Republican."

Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Republican gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice. This infuriates the union official. The union captain once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

The union thug once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

The union guy asks the bartender, "What the hell is the matter with that Republican? I've ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the silly idiot does is smile and thanks me. Is he nuts?"

"Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."

A Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a row boat rowing towards California. The Captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"
One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, "We are invading the United States of America!"

The entire crew of the destroyer double over in laughter. When the Captain is finally able to catch his breath, he gets back on the loud-hailer and asks, "Just the four of you?"

The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four. The rest are already there!"

It's still the weekend, right?:D

Talking clock

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. When they made it to the bedroom, they saw a big brass gong next to the bed.

"What's a big brass gong doing in your bedroom?" one of the guests asked.

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yup," replied the drunk.

"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.

"Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave it an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed,
"You azzhole, it's three o'clock in the morning!"

:jester

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco/(Price Smart). Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.... He pours the sample into the slot and waits..

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Costco..."


That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results.. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results .

The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm.. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4.. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours... Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Costco!