Last week I was flying business class with some leftover upgrades and sat next to a most unusual individual. Although I don’t generally look at what people are working on with their laptops, I was stunned by the heading of a PowerPoint presentation he was editing. The heading was, “New Corvette – Recommended Design Improvements.” There was also a government-looking logo that said TARP which I assumed referred to the government’s bail-out program, the Troubled Asset Relief Program.
Since I own a C5 Coupe which I bought new in 1997 (6-speed manual, Z51) and just ordered a 2010 C6 Coupe (6-speed manual, F55) a few days ago, saying I was interested would be an understatement.
I immediately introduced myself, told him I accidently saw his chart then asked him if he was an automotive design engineer. He scowled at me at first. Then as often is the case with important people he saw an opportunity to let me know the real magnitude of his importance. He told me he was not a simple automotive engineer but an automotive expert. A key individual that the government is relying on to help protect its 60% investment in General Motors.
“We feel we have a responsibility to the American people to assure GM is on the right track for recovery. After much discussion with our leadership, we concluded that the most outstanding opportunity would be for us to help the folks down at GM with what they call the Corvette C7. Since this is what people in the car business call a ‘halo car’ we felt this is where we could provide the most help and opportunity for them to tap into our enormous skill base.”
He went on to say he would soon be meeting with GM executives to give them suggestions on how to make the next Corvette design successful and that was what the presentation he was working on was all about.
When he realized he had an attentive and interested audience, he went on. “What we are going to do is expose them to a number of suggestions on how to improve the Corvette design. But first, one of the things we violently objected to was the name ‘C7’ for the car. It implies there was a C1, a C2 and so forth and that just doesn’t make any sense at all. Secondly, C7 is too Germanic. The German car companies use alpha-numeric designations so we need to be more American by using actual names. For example, how about the Achieva? It is already owned by GM and was once used for the Oldsmobile. ‘Corvette Achieva’ has a rather nice ring to it don’t you think? Anyhow my staff came up with some suggested names which we will give to GM to use as they see fit.”
When I looked over at his laptop again, I noticed a list of declarative statements. This was his “suggestion list”. Annoyed at my interest, he clicked off the presentation and the display switched back to his screen saver – a photograph of an angry looking Ralph Nader.
He said he was still finalizing his suggestion list but once presented to GM management, these suggestions would then be tracked at monthly progress meetings. Corvette engineers would come up to Washington upon which the government automotive experts would offer their expertise and advice with additional suggestions if they felt the Corvette plans were falling short of government expectations.
I asked him if he could give me a preview. He told me number one on the list was for the Corvette people to immediately contact Toyota and discuss a licensing agreement whereby the Prius power train could be incorporated into the Corvette’s engine bay. He said his staff had conducted some back of the envelope calculations that showed a thusly powered Corvette would easily reach 60 mph in less than 9.5 seconds which would make a loud statement to the country on the new reality.
He told me another suggestion from his staff was to reduce unsprung weight, “Whatever the heck that is,” by using smaller 15-inch wheels and narrow profile tires. Another was to go to multi-use fuel capability such as methanol and to also consider a “Real nice idea from the good folks in Georgia,” to use peanut oil. He went on with, “Discard the manual and automatic transmissions and adopt a continuously variable transmission often called a CVT by those in the know. Audi can help here.” Some other suggestions were to increase the final gear ratio to something like 2.4 to improve fuel mileage.
And also, get rid of “those ridiculous bucket seats and put in a proper bench seat. That way you can drive your Corvette in car pool lanes in states where three people are required to use them.” When I tried to point out that it wouldn’t work because of the shift gear, the expert said, “That just goes to show how isolated Corvette people are from the latest technology. I could show them how they managed to move the shift lever from the transmission tunnel up onto the steering column in my Lincoln Town Car. Now that’s a car!”
He then went on to suggest strongly that Corvette engineers should catch up on the latest technology by reading Consumer Reports which contains the most cutting edge information on proper and correct automotive design such as the overarching importance of a smooth ride.
Since we were about to land, I asked him one final question and that was how the government expected Corvette to ever win any races if they incorporated even just one of the suggestions. He chuckled as though he expected that to come out. “Well first of all by racing cars you are making an assumption that there is a competition and that one particular car/driver combination is better than another car/driver combination implying that there is inequality in racing. This is simply wrong headed. What you need to understand is that the rest of the world will fall behind us and follow in the footsteps of our leadership. When the Ferraris, Aston Martins and Plymouths of the world start to see the new enlightened path we are on, they will adapt with more eco-friendly race cars employing many our suggestions. In that sense, we are actually giving Corvette a competitive advantage.”
As we were now preparing to land, he looked over at me and solemnly declared that Corvette is overlooking the most important question on every potential buyers mind. “What would that be?” I asked puzzled. “Carbon footprint!,” he declared angrily. “I have yet to meet someone about to buy a new car that doesn’t lie awake at night fretting over the impact their car will have on the weather. Once Vice President Al Gore discovered that mankind is heating up the globe, we are all now struggling to take action to reverse this dangerous condition.” I tried to point out that this was still a theory and scientists are still debating what role mankind plays, if any, in this cyclical process that has repeated itself for millions of years. “Scientists!” he harrumphed, “They are always arguing with each other over details. Now that Mr. Gore has spoken when he said, ‘No more discussion` they can all move on and get with the program.”
The plane touched down then and I was soon able to make my escape.
SCARY...ABSOLUTELY SCARY,that these alleged "experts"may actually have imput into future transportation solutions.this guy showed his ignorance on so many levels,it is hard to believe that he will have any credibility at all.the REALLY scary aspect is that many of the bone-headed people in government positions will accept this drivel as valid! i'm telling you that this country is headed for socialism at an alarming rate.just think about all the stuff big brother already is screwing with!i think that it's time for a 21st century "tea party"!let's take this country back to where our forefathers intended it to be..."government of,for,and by the people"!!!
wow, that car is going to SUCK ASS. I have been realy excited about the c7 corvette, but if they want it to be a rice burner, i will just keep my c6. At least bthe c6 will go UP in value.
If not I hope GM tells him and his other experts where they can stick it. I have never and will never worry about carbon footprint or care what al gore thinks or says about anything.
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Government to influence C7 design?
... too funny.
