Kerrmudgeon

Hey y'all I hope all youze guys are well and ready to get your giggle on for Mother's Day weekend?
to all the mothers out there for everything they do and put up with!
Let's see what you guys can come up with to make us laugh........
____________________ _________________________ ______________________

Once again let's see what gifs Bill has come up with......






















And now some stuff I've found on the ol interwed during the past week. Enjoy!


A man took off with his family to tour the country. When he returned, his next door neighbour asked how he enjoyed the vacation.
"Well," he replied, "have you ever spent three weeks in a mini-van with those you thought you loved?"



A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel. He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in.
He says "What's this?"
She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."
He says, "Jeez...oooh....I..."
She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."



A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by theriver. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to thePreacher.
The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are youready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher... I sure am."
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right backup. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.
"No, I didn't!" said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up andsays, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"No, I did not Reverend."
The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds thistime, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My Good man,have you found Jesus yet?"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and asks the preacher... "Are you sure this iswhere he fell in?"













A Blonde goes over to her friend's houseWearing a T.G.I.F. T-shirt.
'Why are you wearing a Thank GodIt's Friday tee-shirt on Monday?'
'Oh crap!' the blonde says. 'I didn'tRealize it was a religious T-shirt. I thought it meant **** Go In Front'



At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach.
"Now go over there and explain it to your mother."







A couple pulled into the driveway after their first date. The guy leans over and gives the girl a long, slow kiss. While he's kissing her, he quietly unzips his pants, takes her hand, and puts it on his *****.

When she realizes what it is, she screams, jumps out of the car, and yells back at him as she starts closing the car door, "I've got just two words for you, Drop Dead!!"

"And I've got two words for you too," the guy shrieks, "LET GO!!!!"

ettev

Joemac8

JF in MI

While in China, an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his ***** covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.


The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.



When he returns the doctor says,

“I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD.
It's very rare and almost unheard of here in the US,
we know very little about it.”



The man looks a little perplexed and says,
“Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.”



The doctor answers,
“I'm sorry, but after conferring with the other Doctors....there's no known cure.
We're going to have to amputate your *****.”



The man screams in horror,
“Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!”



The doctor replies,
“Well, it's your choice.
Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only option.”



The next day, the man seeks out a 'Chinese' doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines him and proclaims,
“Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.”



The guy says,
“Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do?
My American doctor wants to cut off my *****!”



The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs.
“Stupid American doctah, always want oparwate.
Make more money dat way.
No need amputate!”



“Oh, thank God! I'm SOOOO..... glad I got a second opinion” the man exclaims.



“Yes,” says the Chinese doctor, “Wait two week. Faw off all by itself!”

Mark Lovejoy

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
________________________________________ ____
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
________________________________________ ____
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
________________________________________ ___
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
________________________________________ ___
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
________________________________________ _
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
________________________________________ ____

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
________________________________________ ____
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
________________________________________ ___

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
________________________________________ _
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
________________________________________ _
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
________________________________________ ____
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

roadster65

Kermie's Avatar in retirement .....

633BR

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you...don't bother coming after me" Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note... After a few minutes he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone...

"She's finally gone...yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie. I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like." He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.

She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed. Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote..."I can see your feet. We're outta bread: be back in five minutes."

633BR

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his
grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new
location.

Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony,he cuts
a photo in half but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo.
He's really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but
then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she
won't notice.

A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says,

"Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style... it makes your nose
look short."

Love, Grandma

vivasantana

Haha all too funny.
A short one!

Golfer & his caddie are walking down the 18th fairway.
Turns to his caddie & says: See that lake there, I feel like drowning myself.

Caddie answered: I don't think you can keep your head down that long!

_______________________
Rock on Santana, Rock on!
Six decades strong!

93 C4
74 Capri

vetintheblood

GUSTO14

If my body is ever found on a jogging trail just know that I was murdered somewhere else and dumped there.

Respect your elders. They graduated from school without the internet.

I've decided I'm not old, I'm 25 -- plus shipping and handling.

Why do I have to press "1" for English? Did America move?

We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.

Behind every angry woman stands a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.

Let's stop sending money to other countries and let them hate us for free.

Vegetarian: Ancient tribal name for the village idiot who can't hunt, fish, or light fires!

In my defense, I was left unsupervised.

If guns kill people, then pencils misspell words, cars make people drive drunk, and spoons make people fat.

My decision-making skills closely resemble those of a squirrel when crossing the road.

Some things are just better left unsaid -- and I usually realize it right after I say them.

Camping: Where you spend a small fortune to live like a homeless person.

I thought getting old would take longer.

A wise man once said - - Nothing.

Kerrmudgeon

A 1928 Ford.......
Michigan Lawyer: "Well Barney, so you want me to defend you? Have you got any money?"
Barney: "No sir. I ain't got no money, but I do get a 1928 Ford Car!"
Lawyer: "Well you can raise money on that. Now let's see, just what do they accuse you of stealing?"
Barney: "A 1928 Ford Car."



The Perks of Being Over 40........

Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
No one expects you to run into a burning building.
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
Things you buy now won't wear out.
You can eat dinner at 4 PM.
You can live without sex but not without glasses.
You enjoy hearing arguments about pension plans.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You sing along with elevator music.
Your eyes won't get much worse.
Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
Your joints are a more accurate meteorologist than the national weather service.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.



The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:
"Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"



.......

AmericanPie

Can someone tell me how to save these gif files so I can send them (the "safe for viewing" ones, at least) to friends?
I've tried right-clicking and saving them as ".gif" but they always get saved as still photos.

wdwinder

right click then try 'copy image link' then you will have to paste it somewhere to save it

AmericanPie

Thanks. That allows me to send the working link, but not an image to go with it. But when the recipient clicks on the link, they can view the gif and that's what I was after.

Ron-C2

Right-clicking and saving as a gif file works for me.
In File Manager, the gif file looks like a static picture but if I double-click on the file, it opens up in MS Photos and has animated motion to it.

.

Kerrmudgeon

A later entry from our buddy Curvette sent to me this Sunday night....



Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange.

When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired,

'Why the spoon?''

'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes.

After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil.

It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.

If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare.

'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.'

I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies.

So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice.

'Not everyone is so observant.

That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.

By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

Kerrmudgeon

I must apologize to you guys/gals for not attending to my Funnies thread this weekend like I usually do. My old man turned 98 today and as usual I'm the host/chef/bottle washer for the family gathering.Great food, and lots of fun.

And we had a toast to our dear departed mother on this her day as well. Congrats to all the mothers in our midst.....without you, we would me nothing.















.

Hermn59

No apologies necessary. How blessed you are to still have your dad around. Family first.

Kerrmudgeon

a few more it it's a wrap!