MAD IN NC

Good evening and good Friday morning to y'all out there
Summer is here, temp, humidity and T-Storms. Hope Cristobal didn't wash eveybody away. Think we are seeing a wave of it now in NC

Let's post up some rib ticklers, and again try to stay away from Politics and pure cheesecake and if ya want to go to PRC....

So as Robbie stated last week "IF IT AIN'T FUNNY, DON'T POST IT! "
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so - here is the weekly WOEII contributions copied from over derr ------>

warrenmj

MAD IN NC

Long Speech

A man giving a long-winded speech finally says, "I'm sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home."

A voice from the crowd says, "There's a calendar behind you."




Worth sending again......

This is a strictly ..... mathematical viewpoint... and it goes like this:

What Makes 100% ?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far *** kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there. Its the Bullshit and *** Kissing that will put you over the top.

Now you know why Politicians are where they are!

Have you ever seen a better explanation than this formula..............

......................how true it is.....










SO which one of these apply's to YOU ?????

My urologist's office called the other day and explained that my scheduled appointment would now be done over the phone due to the coronavirus. One hour before the scheduled teleconference, I was instructed (via email) to administer my own urine test. This was to avoid those lab tests and costly co-pays that your doctor's tell you to get at Quest Diagnostics, and because they're shutdown too.

Directions:

Simply go outside and pee on the front lawn.

If ants gather: DIABETES.

If you pee on your feet: PROSTATE.

If it smells like a barbecue: CHOLESTEROL.

If your wrist hurts when you shake it: OSTEOARTHRITIS.

If you return to your house with your ***** outside your pants: ALZHEIMER'S.

HAVE A NICE DAY!










MENSA QUESTION

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed.

On your right side is a sharp drop off.

And on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you.

Directly in front of you is another galloping horse but your horse is unable to overtake it.

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

See answer below:



























Get your drunk *** off the merry-go-round.

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It was very crowded and noisy in this Restaurant and this blond girl asks the waiter where the restroom was.

He says: "I can't hear you!"

So she gets close to his ear and asks again: "Can you please tell me where the ladies room is?"

And he replies: "On the other side!"

So she turns around and gets close to his other ear, and asks: "Can you please tell me where the ladies room is, please!"






Again or Still

Wife: I’m mad.

Husband: Again or still?

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Honesty Policy

Boss (to the new employee): We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?

New employee: Yes, sir.

Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat.

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Little Johnny And The Bills

Father: Look at all these bills! Taxes, rent, telephone, clothes, food. The cost of living is going up everywhere. I’d be happy if just one thing went down.

Little Johnny: Dad, here’s my report card.
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Gardening Skills

Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?

I planted myself on the sofa at the start of April and I’ve grown bigger ever since.

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A blonde was walking her dogs when a man walking in the opposite direction says, "Oh my, you have such beautiful dogs. What are their names?"

The blonde replies, "Well, the taller one is Timex and the shorter one is Rolex."

The man responds, "Huh, that's interesting. Why did you name them such names?"

The blonde sighs and shakes her head, "Everyone keeps asking me the same thing... duhh, what else would you name your watch dogs?"






Boy: The principal is so dumb!

Girl: Do you know who I am?

Boy: No...

Girl: I am the principal's daughter!

Boy: Do you know who I am?

Girl: No...

Boy: Good! *Walks away*

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A blonde drops off her dress to the dry cleaners

The lady says, "Come Again!"

The blonde says, "No, it's toothpaste this time."

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Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!

Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck!

Condom: Hahaha... (Condom walks off laughing)

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I went down the street to a 24-hour grocery store. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey! The sign says you're open 24 hours." He Said, "Yes, but not in a row!"
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MAD IN NC

Direct from Australia..............


New at Kohl's

MAD IN NC

MAD IN NC

MAD IN NC

MAD IN NC

MAD IN NC

I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning, and the young lady behind me honked at me very upset, because I was taking too long to pay.

Wow. “Take the high road,” I thought to myself. So I paid for her food. As I moved up, she leaned out the window looking all crazy at me, because the cashier told her I paid for her food. She felt embarrassed.

When I got to the second window to get my food, I showed them both receipt's and took her food too. I paid for it, it was mine!

Now she has to wait even longer.

She’s gonna learn today, "you just don't mess with us old people."












A.A.A.D.D.- KNOW THE SYMPTOMS!

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.

Age-Activated Attention-Deficit Disorder.



This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway,

I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,

I notice mail on the porch table that

I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,

Put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,

And notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back

On the table and take out the garbage first...

But then I think,

Since I'm going to be near the mailbox

When I take out the garbage anyway,

I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,

And see that there is only one check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study,

So I go inside the house to my desk where

I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking .

I'm going to look for my checks,

But first I need to push the Pepsi aside

So that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm,

And I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,

A vase of flowers on the counter

Catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and

Discover my reading glasses that

I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk,

But first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter ,

Fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.

Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,

I'll be looking for the remote,

But I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,

So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,

But first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,

But quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,

Get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to

Remember what I was planning to do.


At the end of the day:

The car isn't washed,

The bills aren't paid,

There is a warm can of

Pepsi sitting on the counter,

The flowers don't have enough water,

There is still only 1 check in my check book,

I can't find the remote,

I can't find my glasses,

And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.



Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,

I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day,

And I'm really tired.



I realize this is a serious problem,

And I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....

Do me a favor Forward this message to everyone you know,

Because I don't remember who I've sent it to.



Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

P.S. I don't remember who sent it to me, so if it was you, I'm sorry.













50th anniversary

Every Wednesday night at St. Rocco’s Catholic Church is a marriage seminar for husbands.

One night Father Gill asked Fabio to share his secrets for staying happily married for almost 50 years.

Fabio explained that he’d tried to treat his wife nice, buy her a few things, and best of all, he took her to Rome for their 25th anniversary.

Father Gill asked, “So what are you going to do for your 50th?”

Fabio proudly answered, “I’m gonna go pick her up!”

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MAD IN NC

Can you imagine sitting there and see a Rabbit coming out of the surf... I'd be afraid if the thing that chased it across the water would be following it

Kerrmudgeon

Do you Zoom?......I'll bet this guy won't be after this.....

Kerrmudgeon

A few from Curvette.....

Kerrmudgeon

Thanks Curvette!

Kerrmudgeon

An old man was a witness in a burglary case.

The defense lawyer asked Sam, "Did you see my client commit this burglary?"

"Yes," said Sam, "I saw him plainly take the goods."

The lawyer asks Sam again, "Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?"

"Yes, says Sam. "I saw him do it."

Then the lawyer asks Sam, "Sam, listen, you are an 80-year-old, and your eyesight is probably bad. Just how far can you see at night?"

Sam says, "I can see the moon. How far is that?"




A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a policeman.
Several months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new role.
"Well," he replied, "the pay is good and the hours aren't bad, but what I like best is that the customer is always wrong."




The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and
continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."




A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.

Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge, enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall. The woman is kind of surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love. After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, 'Well, how was it?'

The man says, 'You can have any prize from the bottom shelf.'

Ron-C2

. . .











.

Capt Bill

So much for Friday funnies...?

Roger Walling

roadster65.

You were specifically asked not to post cheesecake that is not funny.
This is a page for humor, not for ...

Kerrmudgeon

And one from fellow Sammy K.


.
Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant.

My six-year-old grandson asked if he could say grace.

As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the
food, and I would even thank you more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for
dessert. And liberty and justice for all! Amen!"

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman
remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know
how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"

Hearing this, my grandson burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong?
Is God mad at me?"

As I assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was certainly not
mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.

He winked at my grandson and said, "I happen to know that God thought that
was a great prayer."

"Really?" my grandson asked.

"Cross my heart," the man replied.

Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark
had started this whole thing),

"Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for
the soul sometimes."

Naturally, I bought my grandchildren ice cream at the end of the meal. My
grandson stared at his ice cream for a moment, and then did something I will
remember the rest of my life.

He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in
front of the woman.

With a big smile he told her,

"Here, this is for you. Shove it up your *** you grouchy old bitch! "

Have a GREAT Day!
Always be yourself because the people who matter don't mind,
and the ones who mind, don't matter

Kerrmudgeon

A store manager Bob stopped by a small manufacturing plant he spotted during his last trip through a part of the countryside in the hopes of gaining another client in the area.

However, little did Bob know that the plant manager was going to be a tough customer to please.

With a broad smile and a reassuring tone, Bob handed the plant manager a beautiful box of cigars as a gift, but the man barely gave it a sideways glance before he said,

"No cigars for me, thank you. I smoked one once, and it was horrible."

Bob is nothing if not prepared, so he offered to take the plant manager out for a few beers, but again the suggestion missed the mark.

"No alcohol for me, thank you. I drank it once, and it was horrible."

Not ready to give up just yet, Bob got a bright idea as he looked out the window and saw people playing golf.

"That's quite alright," he told the plant manager.

"How about you come and play a round of golf at my club as my personal guest?"

However, for the third time, Bob's luck struck out, as the plant manager replied,

"No golf for me, thank you. I played the sport once, and it was horrible.

" The plant manager had barely finished his sentence when a young man joined them at the table.

"Let me introduce my son, Jason,"

the plant manager said. Surprised, Bob gave the young man a quick once over before he replied,

"Let me guess, he is an only child?"



A father took his six year old daughter to work on "Take your kid to Work Day"

As they were walking around the office the girl started crying and getting very upset.

As the staff gathered around, she sobbed loudly and said "Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you worked with".



Young Maiden: "Yes, I've been asked many times to get married."
Friend: "Really, who's asked you?"
Young Maiden: "My mother and father."



Teacher: Whats the meaning of Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder?
Student: Bambalakkadi Jimba.
Teacher: I don't understand anything you said.
Student: Same here.



The first-time dad was taking a turn at feeding the baby some strained peas. Naturally, there were traces of the food all over the baby.

His wife comes in, looks at the infant, then at her husband, who is just staring off into space and says, "What in the world are you doing?"

He replied, "I'm just waiting for the first coat to dry, so I can put on another."



Closer Than You Think!
An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning).
After the test, the manager says, "You will be employed at minimum wage, $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your first day. Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the MS manager replies, "Well, then, that means that you virtually don't exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed.
Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having only $10 in his wallet, he decides to buy a 25 lb flat of tomatoes at the supermarket. Within less than 2 hours, he sells all the tomatoes individually at 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night. And thus it dawns on him that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes. Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he multiplies his profits quickly.
After a short time he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that he can buy a pick-up truck to support his expanding business. By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pick-up trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.
Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically. When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would be now, if you had been connected to the Internet from the very start!"
After a moment of thought, the tomato millionaire replied, "Why, of course! I would be a floor cleaner at Microsoft!"
Moral of this story:
1. The Internet, e-mail and e-commerce do not need to rule your life.
2. If you don't have e-mail, but work hard, you can still become a millionaire.
3. Since you got this story via e-mail, you're probably closer to becoming a janitor than you are to becoming a millionaire.
4. If you do have a computer and e-mail, you have already been taken to the cleaners by Microsoft.



Having been playing outside with his friends, a small boy came into the house and asked: “Grandma, what is it called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?”
His grandma was surprised to hear such a forthright question from a six-year-old but decided to answer as honestly as she could. “Well,” she said hesitantly, “it’s called sexual intercourse.”
“Oh, okay,” said the boy and he ran outside to carry on playing with his friends.
A few minutes later, he came back in and said angrily: “Grandma, it isn’t called sexual intercourse. It’s called bunk beds. And Jimmy’s mom would like a word with you!”



A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee. On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone, "Get me a coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"
"No," replied the trainee.
"It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"
The trainee shouts back, "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!"
"No," replied the CEO indignantly.
"Good!" replied the trainee, and puts down the phone.



Mr. Smythe had been giving his second-grade students a short lesson on science. He had explained about magnets and showed them how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. And now it was question time....

"Class," he said, "my name begins with the letter 'M,' and I pick up things....What am I?"

A little boy on the front row said, "You're a mother."

Kerrmudgeon

Masks, masks, and more masks......!