Kerrmudgeon

Good evening and good morning to you all to the south of me!
Time to get the fun fest started, a little early, but I'm a little knackered and feel like hittin the hay early. Mike may or may not be back depending of the powers that be.....it's still to be seen.
This is your fun thread so get off yer butts and find something funny to post. We all need a laugh or two! .....
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The normal borrowed movin pitchers from next door to start....thanks Bill.





















The latest poll taken by the office of the Governor of Texas asked whether people who live in Texas think illegal immigration is a serious problem:
30% of respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious problem."
70% of respondents answered: "No es una problema serio. "



Little Johnny: That knife-throwing act was terrible. I want my money back.
Carnival Owner: What was the matter with it?
Little Johnny: Call that a knife thrower? He got ten chances and he didn’t even hit that girl once!



An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."



The Collins family owned a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. For generations, their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between Canada and the United States. Mrs. Collins, who had just celebrated her ninetieth birthday, lived on the farm with her son and two grandchildren.
One day, her son rushed into her room with a letter in his hand. "Mom, I have some news," he said. "The government has come to an agreement with the people in Washington. They've decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?"
"What do I think?" his mother replied. "Jump at it! Call them immediately and tell them we accept. I don't think I could stand another one of those Canadian winters!"



I love alcohol, man. Some people call alcohol a drug, too. Some people say that, Alcohols a drug. Not me, I call it a vitamin. Cause whatever your deficiency is, alcohol will treat it.



George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair.

The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm. George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses?" The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.

George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses?" The man continued to peruse the ceiling. George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses?"

The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "YES, I AM!"

George W. asked him why he was so uppity and had taken so long to answer him.

The man replied, "The last time I spoke to a Bush I ended up stuck in a desert for forty years!




















and one just because.....



.......

toddalin

God, why does she have to wear a bra??? So what if it is only 20 degrees.

warrenmj

Kerrmudgeon

That's Celsius Todd! ......about 70F, not that I even noticed!

How's this for really DUMB.........please remain in the ride until the cars have stopped.....

Kerrmudgeon

If any BLOND reinforces the idea of dumb blond this twit, cute that she is, takes the cake.......

Ron-C2

Roger Walling

Roger Walling

Roger Walling

A Canadian, Osama bin Ladin and Uncle Sam:

Three guys, a Canadian, Osama bin Ladin and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie.
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.
Osama bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.
Uncle Sam (a former civil engineer) asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out---virtually impenetrable."
Uncle Sam says, "Fill it with water."

Bottles are worth a dime:

A Russian, a American and a Canadian are out riding horses. The Russian pulls out an expensive bottle of vodka, takes a shot, then another, and suddenly throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the bottle in mid air. The American looks at him and says, (What are you doing?! That was a perfectly good bottle of Vodka!) The Russian says, (In Russia, there's plenty of Vodka and bottles are cheap.)
A while later, not wanting to be outdone, the American pulls out a bottle of Whiskey, takes a few sips, throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots it. The guy from Canada can't believe this and says, (What did you do that for? That was an expensive bottle of Whiskey!)
The American says (In America there's plenty of Whiskey and bottles are cheap.)
So a while later the guy from Canada pulls out a bottle of beer. He opens it, takes a sip, takes another sip, and then chugs the rest. He then puts the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulls out his gun, turns around and shoots the American.
The Russian, shocked, says, (Why did you do that?)
The Canadian says, (Well, in Canada, we have plenty of Americans, but bottles are worth a dime.)

c1j1c2

Funny Dad observations:
Dad's are physically incapable of believeing they're not funny. There, I said it.


[Explaining my lego star wars build]
Me: Is this boring you?
Daughter: Yes
Me: This is how I feel when you tell me about a video about Minecraft


I have a sleeping disorder. It's called: "This is the only time I'm not lonely."


Toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me: *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else



*Car shopping*
Sales Person: What do you think of this one?
Me: *Dumps all my kids' toys and some dry cereal in the backseat* It's perfect



My kids are watching videos of other people playing video games
What a time to be alive.


In parenting, there are few non life-threatening situations more anxiety-inducing than watching a tiney human crack an egg.


The cheapest theme park for four year olds is to take them through a car wash.



I sprayed deodorant on my 16yo son while he's sleeping. You're welcome everyone.


Son: Where's mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
Me: I can do it
Son: My teacher said it has to be an adult.


Priest: What's inside you eventually comes out.
6 year-old: *whispering in my ear* He's talking about poop.


I hate when I lose things at work like pens, paper...my sanity.



And there goes another week without me becoming unexpectedly rich.



Duck Duck Goose: The only game you can hit someone on the head and run away.



If overthining burned calories, I would be in such great shape!



A cosmetic surgeon was sitting in his consulting room chatting to a friend when a beautiful woman walked in, kissed the surgeon and said: “Thank you so much for everything you have done for me. I felt ugly before, but now you have turned me into a princess.”

When the gorgeous lady left the room, the friend asked: “Wow, who was that? You’ve certainly done a good job on her.”

The surgeon replied: “Oh, that was my mother.” And they continued their conversation.

A few minutes later, another beautiful lady walked into the room. Even more stunning than the first, she, too, kissed the surgeon and said: “Thank you so much. You have made me look twenty years younger. The facelift and liposuction have done wonders for me.”

As she left, the friend exclaimed: “Wow, she looks like a supermodel! Who was she?”

“Oh,” replied the surgeon nonchalantly, “that was my wife.” And they carried on with their conversation.

A few minutes later, a third beautiful woman walked in, this one even more gorgeous than the other two. She had a perfect body with breasts to die for. She walked over to the surgeon, slapped him hard around the face and yelled: “You b.stard! Look what you have done to my body! You’ve ruined my life!”

As the woman stormed out, the friend looked at the surgeon in bewilderment.

The surgeon shook his head sadly and said: “Let’s not talk about it. That was my father.”




Two days before Christmas, Jim was flying from London’s Heathrow Airport to Washington, DC, to visit his wife, who worked in the United States. He arrived at Heathrow to find the entire terminal decked in green and red, complete with tacky elves, Santas, reindeer, snowmen and Christmas trees wherever he looked. Meanwhile, between announcements of flight delays and cancellations, the loudspeakers blared out tinny renditions of Christmas carols.

As he checked-in his luggage, having queued for the best part of an hour, Jim noticed a sprig of cheap plastic mistletoe hanging over the conveyor belt. By now he had endured enough of the Heathrow experience and needed someone on whom to vent his frustration, so he said to the woman at the check-in desk: “I’m sorry, madam, but even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe.”

“Sir,” she replied. “Look more closely at where the mistletoe is located.”

“Okay,” he said, “I can see that it’s above the conveyor belt, which is where you’d have to step forward for a kiss.”

“But that’s not why it’s there,” she said. “It’s there so that you can kiss your luggage goodbye.”




A woman was going to Italy on a ten-day business trip. Before leaving, she asked her husband if there was a present he wanted her to bring back.

“How about an Italian girl?” he laughed.

The suggestion was met with stony silence.

Ten days later, she returned home and he asked her whether she’d had a good trip.

“Yes, it was surprisingly enjoyable,” she replied.

“And where’s my present?” he smiled.

“What present?”

“The one I asked for – an Italian girl.”

“Oh, that! I did what I could; now we have to wait nine months to see if it’s a girl.”



I've combined a laxative and alphabet soup. I call it 'Letter Rip'



'Backpfeifengesicht' is the German word for 'a face that's badly in need of a punch'.



It's okay to fall apart sometimes. Tacos fall apart and we still love them.



You ever lay in bed and really thing if it's worth it to get up and go pee?



I almost died today when I slipped in the shower and tried to grab for water.





“I just got a call from a charity asking me if I wanted to donate some of my old clothes to the starving people throughout the world.

I told them to **** off. Anyone who fits into my clothes isn’t starving.”





After a moment of silence… “A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying “‘Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket – I’m awfully cold.”

“I have a better idea,” she replied “Just for tonight,…… let’s pretend that we’re married.”

“Wow!…That’s a great idea!”, he exclaimed.

“Good,” she replied…. “Get your own ******* blanket.”

After a moment of silence,… he farted.”








“A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, “Some ******* wants to buy a half a head of lettuce.”

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, “and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half.” The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later the manager found the boy and said “I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?”

“Canada, sir,” the boy replied.

“Well, why did you leave Canada?” the manager asked.

The boy said, “Sir, there’s nothing but ****** and hockey players up there.”

“Really!” said the manager. “My wife is from Canada!”

The boy replied, “No ****??? Who did she play for?” “





“An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day. “I’ve got you a job,” says his agent. “That’s great,” says the actor, what is it?” “Well,” says his agent, “it’s a one-liner” “That’s okay,” replies the actor, “I’ve been out of work for so long I’ll take anything. What’s the line?” “Hark, I hear the cannons roar” says the agent. “I love it” says the actor “When’s the audition?” “Wednesday” says the agent.

Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts: “Hark, I hear the cannons roar”. “Brilliant,” says the director, “you’ve got the job. Be here 9 o’clock Saturday evening.”

The actor is so happy he got the job that he goes on a major bender. He wakes up at 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theatre continually repeating his line; “Hark, I hear the cannons roar, hark, I hear the cannons roar, hark, I hear the cannons roar.”

He arrives at the stage entrance, out of breath and is stopped by the guard. “Who the hell are you?” asks the guard. “I’m “hark, I hear the cannons roar.” “If you’re “hark I hear the cannons roar”, you’re late. Get up to makeup right now!”

So he runs up to makeup. “Who the hell are you” asks the makeup girl. “I’m “hark I hear the cannons roar.”” “If you’re hark I hear the cannons roar”, you’re late. Sit down here.” And she applies the makeup. “Now quick, get down to the stage, you’re about to go on.”

He dashes down to the stage. “Who the hell are you?” asks the stage manager. “I’m “hark, I hear the cannons roar.”” “You’re “hark, I hear the cannons roar?” Get out there, the curtain’s about to go up.”

He tears onto the stage. The curtains rise, the house is full. Suddenly there is an almighty bang behind him, and the actor shouts “WHAT THE **** WAS THAT?” “







“An old man is sitting on his porch when he sees a young boy walking down the street dragging something behind him. He calls out to the boy, “Hey son, what you got there?” to which the boy replies, “It’s duct tape, I’m gonna go catch me some ducks.” The old man laughs and he calls out, “You fool, you can’t catch ducks with duct tape!” The little boy laughs and continues on his way, returning a few short hours later, and behind him, he is dragging 8 ducks, all wrapped up in the duct tape. The old man can’t believe his eyes.

The next day, the old man is sitting on his porch again and along comes the little boy dragging something behind him. When the old man asks what he’s got this time, the boy replies, “It’s a spool of chicken wire, I’m going to catch some chickens in it.” Well the old man begins to laugh quite hard, telling the boy, “You fool, you can’t catch chickens with chicken wire.” The boy laughs himself, and says back, “That’s what you said about the duct tape,” and he continues on his way, with the old man laughing like crazy.

A few hours later the old man is surprised to see the boy coming back, and even more shocked to see that behind him he is dragging 10 chickens, all tangled up in the chicken wire, he can’t believe his eyes again.

The next day, the old man is sitting there wondering what the little boy will be up to next, and sure enough he sees him coming down the street with something in his hand. He calls out to the boy, “Hey son, what you go there today?” The boy responds, “It’s a ***** willow.” The man then replies, “Hang on son, I’ll get my hat!” “







“An old lady in front of me at the ATM asked me to help her check her balance.

So I pushed her over.”




“Guy walks into a bar and says, “Quick, give me three Martinis!” The bartender gives him the the drinks and the guy quickly gulps them down. He says, “Give me three more!” The bartender pours the martinis and says, “What’s the occasion?” The guy slams the next three drinks and says, “My first *******.” The bartender says, “Well, in that case, I’ll treat you to the next round. Want another martini?”

Guy says, “No thanks; if six martinis won’t get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will.”





“Two nuns are riding their bikes down the back streets of Rome. One says breathlessly, “I’ve never come this way before!” to which the other replies, “It’s the cobblestones.” “






“What did the egg say to the boiling water?

It’s gonna take me a minute to get hard, I just got laid by this chick.”




“The people of Dubai don’t get to watch The Flintstones but the people of Abu Dhabi Do.”




“A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says: “You can’t drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately.”

The guy says OK, and drives away.

The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins, and they’re all wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands: “I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?”

The guy replies: “I did … today I’m taking them to the beach!” “



The path to inner peace starts with four words: That's not my problem.




I have so much excitement in my life! I use to call it stress, but I feel much better now that I call it excitement!




All I need is love and like $500,000.

MTPZ06

She is dumb, but still...


And more Yanet Garcia, because why the hell not...

vetintheblood

toddalin

Still 68 F, and cold enough to do the trick.

63 340HP

warrenmj

GUSTO14

Kerrmudgeon

All you need is a sick mind and a healthy body.

Every time I find the meaning of life, they change it.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone somewhere may be happy.

Of all the things I've lost I miss my mind the most!

Are you stoned or just stupid?

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha!

Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway

If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?



Q: How do you scare a man?
A: Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.

Q: Men will brag that there are women waiting by the phone at this very moment for their call. Who are these women?
A: Women working at 900 numbers.

Q: Where is the best place in a book store to find a man who is handsome, a good lover and a stimulating partner?
A: In the pages of a romance novel.

Q: What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift?
A: Exchange him.

Q: Why is the book "Women Who Love Too Much" a disappointment for many men?
A: No phone numbers.

Q: Why do men like smart women?
A: Opposites attract.



An old man went to his doctor complaining of aches and pains all over his body. After a thorough examination, the doctor gave him a clean bill of health.
“You’re in excellent shape for a 75-year-old man,” he said. “But I’m afraid I can’t make you any younger.”
“Who asked you to make me younger?” the man replied. “You just make sure I keep getting older!”



The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.

So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.

Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"



A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop.

"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."

"Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it." The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.

A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"

66 big block

With all that Botox cant tell if its her *** or her face talking

Kerrmudgeon

This is a real classic that never gets old.

Dean Martin and Foster Brooks. BTW.....Foster Brooks never drank alcohol!

Kerrmudgeon

......