Kerrmudgeon

Move along lurkers....nothing to see here until late tonight when I do my usual funny hardy har thang. I just wanted to open it early so any of you taking off for the weekend could post up anything you've been saving, for an early start. Later kids! .......
________________________________________ ________________________________________ _____________

Please say a few prayers for our C1 buddy Bill Schmitt of Minneapolis, who's in the battle of his life with the big C.
Can't see him driving but that's him on the cover of the magazine a few years ago.

GEM '62

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. “So, how is everything going?”, inquired God.

lbzraptor

I was asking a friend the other day why he and his girlfriend didn't get married. He responded " why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free". His girlfriend over heard us and said " why buy the pig just to get a little sausage". I decided to leave and let them work it out. lol

GEM '62

The message you have entered is too short. Please lengthen your message to at least 3 characters. When I get this the message wont send, why do I get this message when I post? I added this to the post so it would send

GEM '62

GEM '62

lksdflksddlllslkssld

GEM '62

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is

assigned to helping the other monks in copying
the old canons and laws of the church, by hand.


He notices, however, that all of the monks are

copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to question

this, pointing out that if someone made even a small

error in the first copy, it would never be picked up!

In fact, that error would be continued in all of

the subsequent copies.


The head monk, says, "We have been copying

from the copies for centuries, but you make a

good point, my son."




He goes down into the dark caves

underneath the monastery where the original

manuscripts are held as archives,

in a locked vault that hasn't

been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the Old Abbot.



So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.

He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

"We missed the
R
! We missed the
R
!
We missed the bloody
R
!"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old Abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies,

"The word was ...


CELEBRATE!"

out2kayak

Parboiled: Playing a round of golf on a very hot and humid day

Does anyone want to buy a broken barometer? No pressure

Is there life after death? Trespass here and find out

What do cannibals eat to freshen their breath?
Men toes.

I did really well on my Roman history test. I got a C

How did the hipster drown?
He went ice skating before it was cool.

101 lemmings walk into a bar… (bar joke)

For Christmas, I’ve got my wife a telepathic abacus. It’s the thought that counts

Welcome to our ‘ool’. Notice there’s no ‘P’ in it. Let’s keep it that way

Would you like to see a model home?
Sure! When does she get off work?

I’m having trouble organizing a Hide and Seek league. Good players are hard to find

Does anyone want to buy a broken barometer? No pressure

How do you spot a glacier?
You have to have good ice sight.

Did you hear about the man who invented Polos?
They say he made a mint

Why did the AC compressor sweat?
Because it had to run all day.

Why did the PowerPoint presentation cross the road?
To get to the other slide.

Why are sardines so stupid?
They lock themselves in a can and leave the key outside.

Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work.

Just had lunch at a Christian restaurant called ‘The Lord Giveth.’ They also do takeaways

Friendships must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, and shenanigans

I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four

Time flies when you throw away calendars

If I owned a diner I’d have a sandwich called ‘The Usual’ so everyone would feel special

If it’s in stock, we have it (store sign)

I’ve started cross fit. I cross my fingers and hope my pants fit

Time flies when you’re throwing watches

Boss: You should have been here at 8:30!
Employee: Why, what happened at 8:30?

Coffee and friends make the perfect blend

Today’s good mood is sponsored by coffee

If you don’t like tacos, I’m nacho type

Coffee! If you’re not shaking, you need another cup

No matter how beautiful you think the song is, the moment you use it as an alarm, it’s over

Who was the greatest actor in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.

What’s the easiest shot in golf?
Your fourth putt.

A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in

Prayer is the world’s greatest wireless connection

What kind of money do fishermen make?
Net profits.

Why did the horseman put a saddle on a large loaf of bread?
It was a crusty steed.

Currently stuck at an auction bidding for a house with a lengthy corridor. In it for the long hall

Instagram is just Twitter for people who go outside

Sellers of dried grapes are always raisin awareness

No one ever wins when you order Thai food

Sometimes I feel like giving up. Then I remember I have many others to prove wrong

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Crippled.

Socialistacrat (socialist + Sandinista + bureaucrat)

Where do squirrels go in a hurricane?
All over the place.

Why doesn’t this restaurant have any specials?
Because nothing about this food is special.

One career path I wouldn't recommend: becoming a rebuilt engine.
You'll be bored.

The Corvette's new eight speed manual must be a Mr. Bean film,
because that's a lot of rowin'.

What do you call a cross-dresser who carries two handbags?
A dual-clutch tranny.

If an excited dog's tail were a Cadillac CTS-V, what body style would it be?...
a' waggin.



-- Joe

jmschmit

Thanks Rob for your kind words and prayers and thanks to everyone for thinking of me.

out2kayak

out2kayak

out2kayak

A Texas rancher was visiting a farmer in Israel. The proud Israeli showed him around. "Here is where I grow tomatoes, cucumbers, and squash. Over there I built a play set for my kids, next to the doghouse," the farmer said.

The land was tiny, and the Texan was surprised by its small size. "Is this all your land?" he asked.

"Yes," the Israeli said proudly. "This is all mine!"

"You mean this is it? This is all of it?" the Texan said incredulously.

"Yes, yes, this is really all mine!"

"Well, son," said the Texan, "back home I'd get in my car before the sun'd come up and I'd drive and drive and drive, and when the sun set, why, I'd only be halfway across my land!"

"Oh, yes," replied the Israeli farmer wistfully, "I used to have a car like that."

out2kayak

I was driving with my friend. We come to a red light and he speeds up and whips right through it.

I start freaking out "Hey man, your going to get us killed!" He replies " Relax my brother drives like this."

We come to another red light and he blazes right through. "Your going to get arrested or get us killed!" "Relax this is how my brother drives."

We come to a green light he stops dead looking both ways. "Dude, it's green you can go."

"Nah man, my brother might be coming the other way."

out2kayak

Kerrmudgeon

Now back to your regular programming......a few gifs from next door.....



















and a few from me.....

out2kayak

-- Joe

Kerrmudgeon

An old man went to the college that he went to when he was a youth. He knocked on room number 3 of the hostel and said:
"May I come in. I lived in this very room thirty years ago when I studied in this college".
A young man opened the door and let him in.
The old man examined the room, fondly remembering everything.
He said, "The same old room, the same old wooden table, the ventilator and the same old window that opens to the garden. And the same old bed."
When examining it he found a young girl under the bed.
The young man got alarmed and said, "Don't mistake me. She is my sister. She dropped her ear ring and is searching for it."
The old man said, "And the same old story..."



A lady helps her husband install a new computer.
Once it is completed, she tells him to select a password, selecting a word that he'll always remember.
As the computer asks him to enter it, he looks at his wife and with a macho gesture and a wink in his eye, he types: ..... mypenis.
As he hits 'enter', to validate the selection, his wife collapses with laughter and rolls on the floor in hysteria!!
The computer had replied: TOO SHORT- ACCESS DENIED!



Signs of Irony...

Maternity Clothes Shop:
We Are Open On Labor Day

Non-smoking area:
If We See You Smoking, We Will Assume You Are On Fire And Take Appropriate Action

On Maternity Room Door:
Push,Push,Push

Optometrist's Office:
If You Don't See What You're Looking For,You've Come To The Right Place

Scientist's Door:
Gone Fission

Taxidermist Window:
We Really Know Our Stuff

Podiatrist's Window:
Time Wounds All Heels

Butcher's Window:
Let Me Meat Your Needs

Car Dealership:
The Best Way To Get Back On Your Feet - Miss a Car Payment

Muffler Shop:
No Appointment Necessary. We'll Hear You Coming

Hotel:
Help! We Need Inn - Experienced People

Veterinarian's Waiting Room:
Be Back In 5 Minutes. Sit! Stay!

Music Teacher's Door:
Out Chopin

At the Electric Company:
We Would Be Delighted If You Send In Your Bill. However, If You Don't, You Will Be.

Garbage Truck:
We've Got What It Takes To Take What You've Got

Computer Store:
Out For a Quick Byte

Restaurant Window:
Don't Stand There and Be Hungry, Come In And Get Fed Up

Bowling Alley:
Please Be Quiet. We Need To Hear A Pin Drop.

Music Library:
Bach In A Minuet



Jessi Klein: Backhanded Compliment....

Guys have said to me, You know, Jessi, part of what makes you so pretty is you have no idea how pretty you are. And then theyre just like, Enjoy. And Im like, That is not nice. That is like, at best, thats like a backhanded compliment. And at worst, thats just like a forehanded insult because I know that what that sentence really means is, Part of what makes you so pretty is that your self-esteem is so low, its easier for me to **** you.



A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma.

Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother -- he's an idiot!"

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise," the doctor says.

The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!"

Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"

The doctor replies, DeNephew.

out2kayak

An old Amish man goes into a Ford Dealer. He tells the salesman he has been using a horse and cart to hall things around his farm, but he has decided to upgrade, and he has heard a pickup will do the job better.

The salesman recommends a truck, saying "this will make your work go 10 times faster." The man buys it.

A few days later, he brings the truck back. "You idiot!" he yells. "My work took twice as long with this newfangled hunk of junk!"

"Excuse me?" replies the salesman.

"The thing weighs a million times more than my old cart and my horse can't pull it out of the front yard!"

Kerrmudgeon

Kerrmudgeon