MAD IN NC

Fathers day weekend is upon us... Today is the birthday of the US Army and Flag day in the US.

Enjoy all the time with the family, I will

so.... here we go.

First off as always a few GIF's from Bill and then I turn the thread over to ya'll for your contributions as it is "your" thread

MAD IN NC

Am I getting to that age?

I found this timely, because today I was in a store that sells sunglasses, and only sunglasses. A young lady walked over to me and asked, "What brings you in today? I looked at her and said, "I'm interested in buying a refrigerator." She didn't quite know how to respond.


I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.


When people see a cat's litter box they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"


Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write, "An ambulance.”


The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.


The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.


Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.


The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.


Did you ever notice that when you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs?"


Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.


Some people try to turn back their "odometers." Not me. I want people to know why I look this way. I've traveled a long way and a lot of the roads were not paved.


You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.


Ah! Being young is beautiful but being old is comfortable.


Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.


May you always have:
Love to share,
Cash to spare,
And friends who care.







For us old people
ARE WE THE ONES WITH DEMENTIA?

ARE WE THE ONES WHO ARE AGEING?

REALLY???

NO!!



ONE
Recently, I went to McDonald's and I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.

I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.

'You don't?' I replied.

'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.

'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'

'That's right.'

So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

(Unbelievable but sadly true...)

(Must have been the same one I asked for sweetener and she said they didn't have any, only Splenda and sugar.)

(And they think they are worth $15.00 per hour)



TWO
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those dividers that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the divider, looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.

Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'

I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy thattoday.'

She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.

She had no clue to what had just happened.

(But the lady behind me had a big smirk on her face as I left)



THREE
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her DVD drive and pulling it out very quickly.

When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept

asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM thingy.

(Keep shuddering!!)



FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.

'Do you need some help?' I asked.

She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door un-locker. Now I can't get into my car.. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'

Hmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.

'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.

As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'

PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!



FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

A Brunette, by the way!!



SIX
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants.

The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......'

Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency right now!'

Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid!!!!

Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too. Don't laugh....it is all true...



Perks of reaching 60 or being over 70 and heading towards 80!
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

4. People call at 8 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat supper at 5 PM .

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

11. You can't remember who sent you this list.

12. And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.












Shooting Advice
Cops carry guns to protect themselves, not to protect you.

Never let someone or thing that threatens you get inside arm’s length and never say "I’ve got a gun".

If you feel you need to use deadly force for heaven’s sake let the "first sound they hear be the safety clicking off",
and they shouldn't have time to hear anything after that if you are doing your job.

'The average response time of a 911 call is over 23 minute.
The response time of a .44 magnum is 1400 feet per second.'

Clint Smith, Director of Thunder Ranch, is a drill instructor (Thunder Ranch is a firearms training facility in Arizona).
Here are a few of his observations on tactics, firearms, self-defense and life as we know it in the civilized world.

"The most important rule in a gunfight is: Always win, and cheat if necessary."

"Don't forget, incoming fire has the right of way."

"Make your attacker advance through a wall of bullets. You may get killed with your own gun, but he'll have to beat you to death with it, cause it's going to be empty."

"If you're not shooting' you should be loading'. If you're not loading' you should be moving', if you're not moving' someone's going to cut your head off and put it on a stick."

"When you reload in low light encounters, don't put your flashlight in your back pocket.
If you light yourself up you'll look like an angel or the tooth fairy and you're going to be one of 'em pretty soon."

"Do something. It may be wrong, but do something."

"Shoot what's available, as long as it's available, until something else becomes available."

"If you carry a gun, people will call you paranoid. That's ridiculous. If you have a gun, what in the hell do you have to be paranoid for?"

"Don't shoot fast, unless you also shoot good."

"You can say 'stop' or 'alto' or use any other word you think will work,
but I've found that a large bore muzzle pointed at someone's head is pretty much the universal language."

"You have the rest of your life to solve your problems. How long you live depends on how well you do it."

"You cannot save the planet, but you may be able to save yourself and your family."

"Thunder Ranch will be here as long as you'll have us or until someone makes us go away, and either way, it will be exciting."


More Excellent Gun Wisdom:
The purpose of fighting is to win. There is no possible victory in defense. The sword is more important than the shield, and skill is more important than either.

The final weapon is the brain. All else is supplemental.

1. Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you.

2. If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck.

3. I carry a gun cause a cop is too heavy.

4. When seconds count, the cops are just minutes away.

5. A reporter did a human-interest piece on the Texas Rangers. The reporter recognized the Colt Model 1911 the Ranger was carrying and asked him 'Why do you carry a 45?' The Ranger responded, 'Because they don't make a 46.'

6. An armed man will kill an unarmed man with monotonous regularity.

7. The old sheriff was attending an awards dinner when a lady commented on his wearing his sidearm. 'Sheriff, I see you have your pistol. Are you expecting trouble?'
'No ma'am. If I were expecting trouble, I would have brought my rifle.'

8. Beware of the woman who only has one gun, because she probably knows how to use it very well.


'The true soldier fights not because he hates what is in front of him, but because he loves what is behind him.' "G. K. Chesterton"

A people that values its privileges above its principles will soon lose both.

"Those who hammer their guns into plows will plow for those who do not." - "Thomas Jefferson".

If you believe in the 2nd Amendment, please forward.








Studies have demonstrated that rednecks have the lowest stress rate because they do not understand the seriousness of most medical terminology.

Medical Term Redneck Definition
Artery The study of paintings
Bacteria Back door to cafeteria
Barium What doctors do when patients die
Benign What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section A neighborhood in Rome
Cat scan Searching for Kitty
Cauterize Made eye contact with her
Colic A sheep dog
Coma A punctuation mark
Dilate To live long
Enema Not a friend
Fester Quicker than someone else
Fibula A small lie
Impotent Distinguished, well known
Labor Pain Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff A Doctor's cane
Morbid A higher offer
Nitrates Rates of Pay for Working at Night,
Normally more money than Days
Node I knew it
Outpatient A person who has fainted
Pelvis Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative A letter carrier
Recovery Room Place to do upholstery
Rectum Nearly killed him
Secretion Hiding something
Seizure Roman Emperor
Tablet A small table
Terminal Illness Getting sick at the airport
Tumor One plus one more
Urine Opposite of you're out

MAD IN NC

Kerrmudgeon

A couple from Sammy K......





A 79-year-old man is having a drink in a bar.....

.....Suddenly a gorgeous girl enters and sits down a few seats away.
The girl is so attractive that he just can't take his eyes off her.
After a short while, the girl notices him staring, and approaches him.

Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes
and says to him in a sultry tone: "I'll do anything you'd like.
Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn't matter how extreme
or unusual it is, I'm game. I want $100, and there's another condition".

Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is.
"You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman.
He whips out his wallet and puts $100 dollars in her hand ---
He then looks her square in the eyes, and says slowly and clearly:

"Paint my house."
(Our needs change as we get older........also, living on retirement income, we tend to look for bargains)




1. A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301 . There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left.. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? .........

"What . . . .. .. You're coming empty handed?"

______________________________ _________________

2.
Wise Italian Grandfather

Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the
family.

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I
wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ..38 revolver so
you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex
watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna
have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of
bambinos. "

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with
another man.
"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up' "?
______________________________ ______________________


3. Irish Blonde...

An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland , arrived
at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty
thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
with
that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue
yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down
and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers,
picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I
don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb,
..... but all men...are men!
______________________________ ______________________________

Global Facts About Sex

At any given moment:

FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 old person is reading emails.

You hang in there, sunshine!


...:lolg



1. When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big ****.

2. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big ****, but there was no passion. I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.

3. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency. She was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. I decided I needed a girl with stability.

4. When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

5. When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. I decided to find someone with some real ambition.

6. When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious lady with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
7. I'm older and wiser now & looking for a woman with big ****.

....‘full circle - go figure’ ....

Kerrmudgeon

.....and from my pal Suzan.....aka Curvette.


Third grade teacher asks her class to name any medications that they know.
Stacy: Advil!!
Teacher: Good, what is that for?
Stacy: for headaches
Johnny: i got one! Viagra!!!
Teacher: (baffled) what?! Where did you hear that?! What do you think it’s used for?
Johnny: for diarrhea.
Teacher: how did you get to that conclusion?!
Johnny: well, my mom always gives it to my dad and says “take this maybe your **** will get harder”



COURT!!! ....
In a court trial, a lawyer called his first witness who happens to be an elderly grandmother, to the box, and began to cross examine her.
Lawyer : "Mama Vero " do you know me.
Mama Vero: yes, i do know you lawyer Ofori. I've known you since you were a young boy, and to be frank, you have been a disapointment to your parents and to the
society. You are a liar, you cheat people
including your wife.You manipulate people
and talk about them behind their backs.
You think you are a big man when you don't even have brain and manners. Yes' i know u!..
The lawyer was stunned, not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked
again;
Lawyer Ofori: "Mama Vero" do you know the defence lawyer?
She replied;
Mama Vero: yes i do, i've known lawyer Alex since he was a young boy too, he has been your very good friend because the two of you have the same character.
He has also been a
very lazy man and he has a drinking problem.
Infact, he is a criminal, he can't even build a
normal relationship with anyone, his law
pratice is one of the worst in the country.
Not to mention, he cheated on his wife with more than 3 different women, one of them was your wife.
Yes, i know him.
The defence lawyer almost fainted.
Just then, the judge
called both lawyers to his table and in a very
quiet voice, said
''if any of you idiots ASK her if she knows me, l will make sure you lose
your license.
Case closed!



I must have an amazing butt....every time I walk away from someone I hear them say What an ***"

Kerrmudgeon

You Can't Fool a Senior.....

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.

"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.

Kerrmudgeon

GEM '62

I took down my Rebel flag (which you can't buy on EBAY any more) and peeled the NRA sticker off my front window. I disconnected my home alarm system and quit the candy-*** Neighborhood Watch. I bought two Pakistani flags and put one at each corner of the front yard. Then I purchased the black flag of ISIS (which you CAN Buy on EBAY) and ran it up the flag pole.

Now the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching my house 24/7. I've NEVER felt safer and I'm saving $69.95 a month that ADT used to charge me.

Plus, I bought burkas for me to wear when I shop or travel. Everyone moves out of the way, and security can't pat me down. If they say I'm a male wearing a burka, I just say I'm feeling like a woman today.

...Safe at last!

BANG11

HUSBAND LOST INTEREST IN SEX


A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a woman, one Anne Maynard, has sued St Luke's hospital, saying that after her husband was treated there recently, he had lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied, "Mr Maynard was actually admitted in Ophthalmology - all we did was correct his eyesight..."


I CHANGED MY CAR HORN

to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.



SMART A&& MECHANIC

He called to tell me my car was done and I said I'd be over to get it as soon as my wife got done in the bathroom making herself beautiful.
After a short pause, he says, "So, will that be today?"

c1j1c2

Florencia who plays cards once a month with a desperate group of friends was concerned that she always woke her husband when she came home around 1 AM.

One night, after the card game she decided to try not to arouse him. Florencia undressed in the living room and, handbag over arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom – only to find her husband sitting up in bed reading.

“Damn it woman!” he screamed. “Did you lose everything !?”





There was once an important actor, who has in a trouble. He could no longer remember his lines. Finally, after many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says,”This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You will walk onto the stage carry a red rose, you will hold the rose with just one finger and your thumb to your nose, sniff the rose deeply and then you will say the line… ‘Ahh, the fragrance of my mistress.'” The actor is get excited.All day long before the stage he’s practicing his line, over and over again. Finally it was the showtime..

The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion, he delivered the line; “Ahh, the fragrance of my mistress”.

The theatre erupted, the audience screamed with laughter… and the director was in madness! “You bloody idiot!” he cried, “You have ruined me!”

The actor, quite bewildered, asked, “What happened, did I forget my line?” he asked.

“No!” the director screamed…. “You forgot the bloody red rose!”




An advocate was on holiday in a small farming town. While walking through the silent streets on Saturday morning, he came upon a large crowd gathered by the side of the road.

Going by instinct, the advocate figured that there was some sort of car accident. He was eager to get to the injured parties but couldn’t get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started yelling loudly, “Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim.”

The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a cow.




Cotter who had spent his whole life in the mountain visited a childhood friend. He’d never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn’t know what it was. Predictably, Cotter hit and is thrown, ***-over-tea-kettle, to the side of the tracks, with some secondary internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.

After weeks in the hospital recovering, Cotter is at his friend’s house attending a barbecue party. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the teakettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby cabinet and proceeds to batter and bash the teakettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the chaos, rushes into the kitchen, sees what’s happened and asks the mountain man, “Why’d you ruin my high quality tea kettle?”

The mountain man Cotter replies, “Man, you have got to kill these monsters when they’re small.”




Jeff took his wife Gina to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.

They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

“This bull mated fifty five times last year.” Gina playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, “He mated fifty five times last year.”

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, “This bull mated a hundred thirty times last year. ” Gina gave Jeff a healthy jab and said, “That’s more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from that bull.”

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in huge letters, “This bull mated three hundred sixty five times last year.” Gina, so excited that her elbow nearly broke Jeff’s rib, said, “That’s once a day.You could really learn something from this one.”

Jeff looked at her and said, “Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.”




Warren goes into a pub and seats himself on a stool. The barman looks at him and says, “What’ll it be mate?”

Warren says, “Set me up with eight tequila shots and make them doubles.” The barman does this and watches the guy slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all eight are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the barman asks why he’s doing all this drinking.

“You’d drink them this fast too if you had what I have.”

The barman hurriedly asks, “What do you have mate?”

Warren quickly replies, “I have one dollar.”





One day while Adam walking on Earth, The God came to Adam to transmit some news. “I’ve got some good news and some bad news, Adam.” The God said.

Adam looked at The God and said, “Well, please give me the good news first.”

The God smiles and explains, “I’ve got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to explore new things, fix problems, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a p***s. It will give you great physical pleasure and allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate the Earth. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children.”

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, “These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great news?

“The God looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, “You will never be able to use these two great organs at the same time.”




Little Sandra is sitting on her grandfather’s lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles. Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled. Finally Sandra asks, “Grandpa, did the Lord make you?”

“He sure did sweetheart, very long time ago,” replies her grandfather.

“Well, did the Lord make me?” asks Sandra.

“Yes, He did, and that wasn’t too long ago,” answers her grandfather.

“Boy,” says Sandra, “He’s sure doing a lot better job these days isn’t He?”





Hi, Sean, this is Alex from next door.

I have a confession to make. I have been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face, but I am at least telling you in a text as I cannot live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you’re not at home. In fact, quiet likely more than you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but I know that’s no excuse. The temptation was just awesome. I can no longer live with the guilt and hope that you will accept my sincerest apology and forgive me. It won’t happen again. Please suggest a fee for usage and I’ll pay you.

Greetings, Alex.

Neighbour Sean’s Response

Sean, feeling so angered and betrayed, then grabbed his pump rifle and shot his neighbour Alex dead. He returned home, poured himself a stiff drink, and sat down on the couch. Sean took out his phone where he saw a second message from Alex.

SECOND MESSAGE*

Hi, Sean, this is Alex from next door, again.

Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect that you figured it out and noticed that darned Auto-Correct changed “wi-fi” to “wife.” That’s today’s technology for you, hey?

davidf59

The pint

davidf59

Bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman, “Which book has helped you most in your life?”

The woman replied, “My husband’s check book!!”

******

A prospective husband in a book store “Do you have a book called ‘Husband – the Master of the House?’"

Sales girl: “Sir, fiction and comics are on the 1st floor!”

******

Someone asked an old man: “Even after 70 years, you still call your wife – darling, honey, luv. What’s the secret?"

Old man: “I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her."

******

Pharmacist to customer: “Sir, please understand, to buy an anti-depression pill you need a proper prescription ...Simply showing marriage certificate and wife’s picture is not enough !

*****

A man was granted two wishes by God. He asked for the best drink & the best woman ever. Next moment he got mineral water & Mother Teresa.

*****

There are 3 kinds of men in this world. Some remain single and make wonders happen. Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen.

The rest get married and wonder what happened!

******
Wives are magicians. They can change anything into an argument.

******

Why do women live a Better, Longer & Peaceful Life, compared to men?

A very INTELLIGENT student replied: "Because Women don't have a wife!”
(Note: But now days many of them do have a wife.)

******

COOL MESSAGE BY A WIFE: Dear Mother-in-law, Don't teach me how to handle my children. I am living with one of your's and he needs a lot of improvement!?

******

When a married man says, I WILL THINK ABOUT IT - what he really means is that he doesn't know his wife's opinion yet.

******

A lady says to her doctor: "My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?"

The doctor replies: "Give him an opportunity to speak when he's awake! "

93RubyRedCoupe

93RubyRedCoupe

GEM '62

Arriving In Heaven All arrivals in heaven have to go through an examination to determine if admission will be granted.


One room has a clerk who inputs records of what each applicant did on their last day of life.The first day’s applicant explains that his last day was not good.


"I came home early and found my wife naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and the shower was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover.



I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his fingertips.



I was angry and bashed his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by an awning. Seeing him still alive, I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him.



At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died.”



The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the waiting room.



The second applicant said that his last day you was his worst. "I was on an apartment building roof working on AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment, but some idiot came rushing out and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell, but landed on an awning and survived. But, as I looked up, I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I was hit and killed by the chest.”


The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the waiting room. He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. The clerk apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the two fellows that arrived here just before you.”



"I don't know" replies the man. "Picture this, I'm buck naked hiding in this cedar chest . . .

GEM '62

Retired Husband

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. Harris:

* Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.

* We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.

* Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

* 1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

* 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

* 3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

* 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away'.
This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time; and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

* 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

* 6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

* 7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

* 8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone? EMTs were called.

* 9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

* 10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

* 11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.

* 12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.

* 13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

* 14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed; 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

* 15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

* And last, but not least:

* 16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'
One of the clerks passed out.

Kerrmudgeon

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are wandering through the desert, hungry and hallucinating, when they come upon a rotting, dead camel.
"Well," said the Englishman, "I support the Liverpool football club, so I'll eat the liver."
"I support the Hearts club," said the Scotsman, "so I'll eat the heart."
"I support Arsenal," said the Irishman, "but I seem to have lost my appetite."



Business One-liners.......

The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.

The workbench is always untidier than last time.

The worse your line is tangled, the better is the fishing around you.

There are no rules around here. We're trying to accomplish something. - Thomas Edison, remarking about his laboratory

There are no winners in life...only survivors.

There are only two forces that unite men, fear and self-interest...Napoleon

There are three ways to get things done: do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your kids to do it.

There are two kinds of people who don't say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.

There are two rules for success in life: Rule 1 - Don't tell people everything you know.

There is nothing so small that it can't be blown out of proportion.



Adam was hanging around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely.
So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be awoman.
He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, andwhen you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.
She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you.
And will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had adisagreement.
She will praise you!
She will bear your children.
And never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
"She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and puzzy whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"


.......:leaving

Kerrmudgeon

a few funny pics.....D:

60n1st

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The
bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your ********* to press on
your spine, and the pressure creates one

hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove
the *********."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live
for.

He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital
he
was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like
he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the
street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make
a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need - a new
suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new
suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44
long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the
business 60 years!" the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit. It fit
perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked,
"How about a new shirt?, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2 neck."

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit
perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman
asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and
said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said,
"Let's see...size > 36."

Joe laughed "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years
old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A 34 underwear
would press your ********* up against the base of your spine and give
you one hell of a headache."

MAD IN NC