Kerrmudgeon

Hey everybody Long weekend up north and it looks like a wet one. Have a great weekend, and post up some yukyuks for us if you've got some. Laughter is the best medicine!
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Some visuals to start....



























IF......

* If you attempt to rob a bank you won't have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years, whether or not you are successful.

* Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

* What if my dog only brings back my ball because he thinks I like throwing it?

* If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?

* Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?

* Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?

* Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes 75-100 years to fully work.

* Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty

* The word "swims" upside-down is still "swims".

* Intentionally losing a game of rock, paper, scissors is just as hard as trying to win.

* 100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.

* Your future self is watching you right now through memories.

* The doctors that told Stephen Hawking he had two years to live in 1953 are probably dead.

* If you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When", you get the answer to each of them.

* Many animals probably need glasses, but nobody knows it.

* If you rip a hole in a net, there are actually fewer holes in it than there were before.

* If 2/2/22 falls on a Tuesday, we'll just call it "2's Day".















An old classic....still funny!

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO…

It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000.

He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?”

“Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!” states the doctor proudly.

The moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”

“No problem,” replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.

Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right, but I’ll stick with my moped!”

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do.

He floors it, and within 20 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror – what it could be…and suddenly…

WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH!

Something whips by him going much faster!

“What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?” the doctor asks himself.

He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph.

Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the moped!

Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph.

WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!

He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph.

Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again!

The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.

The doctor stops and jumps out and , unbelievably, the old man is still alive.

He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh my gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?”

The old man whispers, “Unhook my suspenders from your damn side mirror"



A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son turned from the window to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother said, "Well, maybe that's something you could ask the stewardess."
So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. You can ask your mother to explain it to you."

Kerrmudgeon

Marriage, what a concept.....

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."



A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there. He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking an off tomorrow so as to be home, just incase this guy shows up again." The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door. The husband whisperes to the wife, "Honey, im going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to a see where he's going with this." She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks, "Do you have a Vagina?" "Yes I do." says the lady. The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"



The 10th grade teacher asks Jessica: "What part of the human body increases to 10 times it's normal size when excited?" Jessica responds: "That's disgusting! I don't have to answer that question!" So the teacher asks little Johnny, who responds: "That's easy...the pupil of the eye." "That's correct, Johnny. Very good!" And turning to Jessica, she says: "I've three things to say to you, young lady... first, you didn't do your homework; second, you have a dirty mind; and third, you're in for a big disappointment!"



One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants. The man says “Oh just a beer”. The bartender asked the man “Whats wrong,why are you so down today?”. The man said “My wife and i got into a fight,and she said she would’nt talk to me for a month”. The bartender said “So whats wrong with that”? The man siad “Well the month is up tonight”.



A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." �The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Kerrmudgeon

What are you going to do......

Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single. One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?" Thomas replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them." His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother." A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?" With a frown on his face, Thomas answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much." The friend said, "Then what's the problem?" Thomas replied, "My father doesn't like her."

Kerrmudgeon

Some other Curmdugeons......

H. L. Mencken/Quotes
Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard.

Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

No one ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.

Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.

Dorothy Parker.....not all curmudgeons are men....


ON OTHER PEOPLE:

1. “Their pooled emotions wouldn’t fill a teaspoon.”

2. “You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.”
ON BEAUTY:

3. “Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.”

4. “Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses.”

ON WRITING:

5. “If you have any young friends who aspire to become writers, the second greatest favor you can do them is to present them with copies of The Elements of Style. The first greatest, of course, is to shoot them now, while they’re happy.”

6. "I'd like to have money. And I'd like to be a good writer. These two can come together, and I hope they will, but if that's too adorable, I'd rather have money."

7. “I hate writing, I love having written.”

8. “The two most beautiful words in the English language are 'cheque enclosed.'"

(Actually, this quote attributed to Parker is a paraphrase. In 1932, the New York Herald Tribune asked her for a list of the most beautiful words. Dorothy said, “To me, the most beautiful word in the English language is cellar-door. Isn’t it wonderful? The ones I like, though, are 'cheque' and 'enclosed.'")

9. “There's a hell of a distance between wise-cracking and wit. Wit has truth in it; wise-cracking is simply calisthenics with words.”

ON DRINKING:

10. “One more drink and I’ll be under the host.”

11. “I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.”

12. When asked if she was going to join Alcoholics Anonymous: “Certainly not. They want me to stop now.”

ON MONEY:

13. “Money cannot buy health, but I'd settle for a diamond-studded wheelchair.”

14. “I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.”

15. When she was offended by the amount of money a producer offered her to write a script: “You can’t take it with you, and even if you did, it would probably melt.”

ON LOVE:

16. “I require three things in a man: he must be handsome, ruthless, and stupid.”

17. “Now I know the things I know, and I do the things I do; and if you do not like me so, to hell, my love, with you!”

18. “Better be left by twenty dears / Than lie in a love-less bed; / Better a loaf that’s wet with tears, / Than cold, unsalted bread.”

19. “Four be the things I'd have been better without: love, curiosity, freckles and doubt.”

20. “It serves me right for putting all my eggs in one bastard.”

21. “By the time you swear you’re his,
Shivering and sighing,
And he vows his passion is
Infinite, undying -
Lady, make a note of this:
One of you is lying."

ON CHILDREN:

22. “The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”

ON DEATH:

23. “Razors pain you,
Rivers are damp,
Acids stain you,
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful,
Nooses give,
Gas smells awful.
You might as well live.”

24. “That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment.”

25. “Excuse my dust.” Parker suggested that this be used as an epitaph on her final resting place—and it was.

Sir Winston Churchill.....

Men occasionally stumble on the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.

In those days he was wiser than he is now - he used frequently to take my advice.

Many forms of Government have been tried, and will be tried in this world of sin and woe. No one pretends that democracy is perfect or all-wise. Indeed, it has been said that democracy is the worst form of Government except all those others that have been tried from time to time.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

I am easily satisfied with the very best.

A politician needs the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month, and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to explain why it didn't happen.

I am certainly not one of those who need to be prodded. In fact, if anything, I am the prod.

I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.

Ronald Reagan.....

“My fellow Americans. I’m pleased to announce that I’ve signed legislation outlawing the Soviet Union. We begin bombing in five minutes.” – joking during a mike check before his Saturday radio broadcast

“I hope you’re all Republicans.” – Speaking to surgeons as he entered the operating room following a 1981 assassination attempt

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency, even if I’m in a cabinet meeting.” – Said many times during his presidency, 1981-1989

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Said during his presidency, 1981-1989

“Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours. And recovery is when Jimmy Carter loses his.”

“Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.” – Remarks at a business conference, Los Angeles, March 2, 1977

“Thomas Jefferson once said, “We should never judge a president by his age, only by his works.’ And ever since he told me that, I stopped worrying.”

“I want you to know that also I will not make age an issue of this campaign. I am not going to exploit, for political purposes, my opponent’s youth and inexperience.” – during a 1984 presidential debate with Walter Mondale

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – The New York Times, September 22, 1980

“What makes him think a middle-aged actor, who’s played with a chimp, could have a future in politics?” – on Clint Eastwood’s bid to become mayor of Carmel

Kerrmudgeon

plaidside

Sharing Perspectives...


A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

The priest turned to the rabbi and asked,
"Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion
I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest,
"Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith"

The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the
temptations of the flesh?"
The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion
I was weak and broke my Faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, and sat
thinking, for about five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said, "Sure beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

ricks327

Example of the word "coincidence."

A chicken farmer went to the local bar ....He sat next to a woman and
ordered champagne.

The woman said: "How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne".

"What a coincidence" said the farmer, who added: " It is a special day
for me .... I'm celebrating"

"It is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!" said the woman.

"What a coincidence" said the farmer.

While they toasted, the man asked: "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I are trying to have a child for years, and today, my
gynecologist told me that I was pregnant".

"What a coincidence!" said the man. "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay fertilized eggs. "

"This is awesome" said the woman. "What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?"

"I used a different rooster" the farmer said.

The woman smiled and said: "What a coincidence"

ricks327

Shoot or don't shoot

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.

While en-route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness,
because the man suspects his wife is having an affair,
and he wants to catch her in the act.

For $100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom.
The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there
is his wife, naked as a jay bird, with a man, totally nude also.

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouts, “Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.”
HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
HE paid for your new 25 ft. Ranger Fishing Boat.
HE paid for your Football season tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for your Golf Trip to St Andrews and your new 4 x 4.
HE paid for our country club membership and he even pays the monthly dues.
And because of HIM, I can put an extra $2,000 in our checking account
each month.

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.
He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do'?

The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket, before he catches a cold.

ricks327

The Last Will


Doug Smith is on his deathbed
and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter
and 2 sons, are with him.

He asks for 2 witnesses to
be present and a camcorder be in
place to record his last
wishes, and when all is ready he
begins to speak:

"My son, Bernie, I want you
to take the Mayfair houses.

"My daughter Sybil, you
take the apartments over in the east end."

"My son, Jamie, I want you
to take the offices over in the City Centre.

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the
residential buildings on the banks of the river."

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as
they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug
slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband
must have been such a hard-working man to have
accumulated all this property".

The wife replies,

“The ******* had a paper route."

GUSTO14

Starbucks Drive thru ~ Texas Style

warrenmj

The solution to our N Korea problem

Curvette1

Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best deer hunting friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always hunted and fished together and were long time members of a hunting camp.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, "Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, "Nope, ain't Stanley ."

The mortician thought this was rather strange, So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Stanley."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Gomer said, "Well, Stanley had two ***-holes."

"What! He had two ***-holes?" asked the mortician.

"Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say, There's Stanley with them two ***-holes."

Curvette1

Did I read that sign right?

​"​TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW ​"​

In a Laundromat: ​ ​"AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT ​"​

In a London department store: ​ ​"BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS... ​"​

In an office: ​ "​WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN ​"​

In an office: ​ "​AFTER TEA BREAK, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD ​"​

Outside a second-hand shop: ​ ​"WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN? ​"​

Notice in health food shop window: ​ "CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS... ​"​

Spotted in a safari park: ​ "ELEPHANTS, ​ ​PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR ​"​ ​(I sure hope so.) ​

Seen during a conference: ​ "​FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR. ​"​

Notice in a farmer's field: ​ ​"THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES ​"​

Message on a leaflet: ​ "​IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS ​"​

​​On a repair shop door: ​ "​W ​​E CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK.) ​" ​Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?

​Various News Paper Headlines:.....
​
​"​Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife ​ ​And Daughter ​"​
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.

​"​Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says ​"​ ​ ​Really? Ya' think?

​"​Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers ​"​ ​ ​Now that's taking things a bit far!

​"​Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over ​"​ ​ ​What a guy!

​"​Miners Refuse to Work after Death ​"​ ​ ​No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so!

​"​Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant ​"​ ​ ​See if that works better than a fair trial!

​"​War Dims Hope for Peace ​" ​I can see where it might have that effect!

​"​If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile ​" ​Ya' think?!

​"​Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures " ​Who would have thought!

​"​Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide ​" ​They may be onto something!

​"​Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges ​"​ ​ ​You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?

​"​Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge ​" ​He probably IS the battery charge!

​"​New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group ​" Weren't they fat enough?!

​"​Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft ​"​ ​ ​That's what he gets for eating those beans!

​"​Kids Make Nutritious Snacks ​"​ ​ ​Do they taste like chicken?

​"​Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half ​" ​Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

​"​Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors ​"​ ​ ​Boy, are they tall!

And the winner is.. ​​

​"​Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead ​" ​Did I read that right?

Curvette1

Gun permit


I got my concealed carry permit yesterday. In the afternoon, I went over to
the local Bass Pro Shop to get a small 9 mm handgun for home and personal
protection.

When I was ready to pay for the pistol and ammo, the cashier said, "Strip
down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos
running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out she
was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader!!!

As an intelligent senior citizen, I do not get flustered often. But this
time, it took me a while to get my pants back on.

I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their
instructions to seniors a little more clear.

I still don't think I looked that bad.

Curvette1

Tom was walking down the street when he sees a funeral procession. At the head was the casket, behind was a man walking a very large dog and behind him were 300 people. Tom walks over to the guy with the dog and asks, “Who’s funeral is this?”
The man answers, “My mother-in-law’s.”
Tom wishes his condolences and asks, “She must of been a very important person, but what’s with the dog?”
“This is the dog that killed her.”
So Tom asks, “Can I borrow the dog for an hour?”
He responds, “Get in line!”

Curvette1

Air Tower Instructions---

A little lite reading

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f....ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f....ing stupid!"

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."


A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."



A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted:
"American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."


A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):"Because you lost the bloody war!"


Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... We've already notified our caterers."



One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said:
"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger:
"I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."



The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird
206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant
impatience)"Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."



While taxiing at London 's Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft.Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727..
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:
"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:
"Wasn't I married to you once?"

Kerrmudgeon

One day an engineer dies . . . and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements. After a while, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators.
The engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how's it going down there?"
Satan says, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God is horrified. "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gone down there! You know all engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here!”
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on staff. I'm keeping him."God says,
"Send him back up here or I'll sue..."
"Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where in Heaven are you going to find a lawyer?"

GEM '62

https://mail.google.com/mail/u/0/?ui...c57d&zw&atsh=1

GEM '62

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset
about this, and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maria: "Well, Senora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."
"The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."
Wife: "Oh yeah?"
Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than ?"
Maria: "Jor hozban did."
Wife, increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"
Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."
The wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.
Wife: "And did my husband say that as well?Maria: "No Senora... the gardener did."
Wife: "So, how much do you think would be fair?"

Kerrmudgeon

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