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A guy goes to Vegas...and wins big in one of the casinos. To help him celebrate, the casino gives him a night in the penthouse suite. He goes up to the suite, opens the double doors, and enters a three-room suite. The room is nothing but windows, with a fantastic view of the City. The guy drops his bag of money in a chair and stands looking out the windows at the City.
He realizes he is all alone and needs someone to share his good fortune with. He calls down to the desk and tells the clerk to send up one of the best call girls in the City.
About 30 minutes later, there's a knock at the door He opens the door and there is the most gorgeous girl he's ever seen: Ling blonde hair, short red dress, and spiked heels. She walks inside. The guy walks over to the bar and mixes two drinks; he gives one to the girl and drinks one himself. "Now, down to business," he says. "How much is a hand job?".
"Honey," the hooker says, ""A hand job is $500."
"That's outrageous!", the guy says.
"Come over he," she says walking to one of the windows. "You see that strip mall over there?", she says, pointing to it. "I own the two stores on the end. I was able to buy them from money I made giving hand jobs. I must be pretty damned good!"
"All right, screw it!", the guy says, "Money is no object."
A half hour later the guy is sitting on the couch reveling in ecstasy. He goes over to he bar, makes two drinks, one for her and one for himself. He hands er a drink and says, "The was the best hand job I've ever had! How much for a blow job?".
"Honey, a blow job is $5,000."
"That's outrageous!", he says.
"Come over here," she says. "You see that hotel and casino on the corner? I bought that with the money I made from giving blow jobs."
"All right, screw it, "he says. "Money is no object!". An hour later he's laid back on the bed, eyes rolled back in his head, and a little drool coming from the corner of his mouth. He gets up, barely able to walk and makes two more drinks, one for her and one for him.
"That was the best blow job in the World!", he said. "I've got to know: How much for some *****?".
The hooker looks at him and says, "Honey, if I had a ***** I'd own the whole damned City!".
Great mental exercise for the over-50 crowd.
Which of the following names are you familiar with?
1. Monica Lewinsky
2. Spiro Agnew
3. Benito Mussolini
4. Adolf Hitler
5. Jorge Bergoglio
6. Alfonse Capone
7. Vladimir Putin
8. Linda Lovelace
9. Saddam Hussein
10. Tiger Woods
You had trouble with #5 didn't you?
You know all the liars, criminals, adulterers, murderers, thieves, ***** and cheaters, but you don't know the Pope??
Lovely, just lovely... sometimes I worry about you
Why Don't Athletes Don't Have Regular Jobs???
1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
"I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."
2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:
"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treat us like mens. He let us wear earrings."
5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann:
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh : "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.." (Now that is beautiful)
7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:
"You guys line up alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."
8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison:
"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton .."
10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota:
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."
11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt. (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January?)
12. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player:
"I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.''
13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford:
"I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious."
15. Darren Woodson, Dallas Cowboy Ring of Honor recipient
“WTF”
Ah, but they all ride to the bank in a Mercedes...! And, they vote too!
A blonde was speeding in a 25 mile per hour residental zone when a local police cruiser pulled her over. The female police officer who walked up to the car also happened to be a blonde. She asked for the blonde's driver's license. The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?"
Irritated, the blonde cop said, "Don't be a smartass!, it's got your picture on it!" The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom.
She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license", then handed it to the blonde policewoman.
The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this."
May Sound like a Joke to Some
Husband comes home drunk and breaks some crockery, vomits and falls down on the floor... Wife pulls him up and cleans everything.
Next day wen he gets up he expects her to be really angry wid him.... He prays that they should not have a fight.. He finds a note near the table...
"Honey..your favorite breakfast is ready on the table, i had to leave early to buy grocery... i will come running back to you, my love. I love you. ...
He gets surprised and asks his son.., 'what happened last night..?
Son told...,"
when mom pulled you to bed and tried removing your boots and shirt.. you were dead drunk and you said......
" Hey Lady ! Leave Me Alone... I M Married !!!
Stone and birds...
There was a native American once named 'One Stone' because he was born with one ********. He hated his name. He proclaimed if anyone ever called him that again, he would take their life.
One day a young woman named 'Bluebird' forgot and called him '1 stone'. He made love to her until she died from exhaustion.
Years passed an no one called him that again. Until one day 'Yellowbird' returned to the village and let it slip. He made love to her for 5 days and she would not die.
He was perplexed.
When he went to his chief to inquire, the chief replied "Don't be silly. Everyone knows you can't kill two birds with one stone"
It's best to whisper!
A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.
He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?
The girl replied, in a loud voice, "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man's table and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking; I bet you felt embarrassed, right?"
The man responded in a loud voice: "$800 FOR ONE NIGHT? ..... I`M NOT PAYING YOU THAT MUCH!"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The man whispered to her: "I study law, and I know how to screw people".
My wife has told me she wants a divorce because there's another man. I hate to lose her…
…but I just love him more…
Two Englishmen crash in the desert... They begin to trek through the sands trying to find help. After a day and night of walking the two men are dying from thirst and so incredibly hungry when they spot 3 camels crest the nearest dune and head towards them.
One man turns to the other and says, "Thank goodness, we're saved!" and begins to wave.
The second man says "Wait, if they are Muslim they may kill us!"
The first man replies "Don't be daft, why would they do that?"
"Because we're English! Look, just call me Mohammed while we're around them!"
"Fine, but I'm not lying!"
When the riders reach them they call out in greeting and asked the men their names, the first man says "I'm David, thank you so much for finding us! I thought we would die!"
The second man says "My name is Mohammed, thank you for finding us!"
The leader of the 3 riders looks at the first man and says, "Come, we have food and shelter for you." and he is led away by one of the men, he then turns and faces the second man, "Salaam Mohammed, Ramadan mubarak!"
It's an old man's birthday
He's wandering around the nursing home in his birthday hat, blowing his noisemaker, laughing, and loving life.
He sees one of the other residents and walks into his room.
"Hey, Carl! Guess how old I am today!"
Grumpy old Carl doesn't even look up. "No. Go away."
"C'mon, ya old grump, it's my birthday! Guess how old I am today!"
Carl still hasn't looked up. "I don't know, 100."
"Nope, I'm 95! Wheeeee!" And he shuffles off.
He continues down the hall to the next room and sees another resident.
"Hey, Martha! Guess how old I am today!"
Martha squints through her thick glasses and says, "Okay, come closer."
The old man steps up to Martha and Martha reaches her hand down his pajama pants. She fondles his old ***** for about 30 seconds, pulls her hand back out and says, "You're 95."
The old man says, "How in the hell did you know that?"
"I heard you tell Carl."
Leader and Technicians.
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost.
He reduced the height and saw a woman down on earth.
He went further down and shouted at the woman: "Sorry, can you help me? I had an appointment with a friend an hour ago, but I do not know where I am!"
The woman replied: "You are in a hot air balloon about 30 feet above sea level at 55o 41 '47" north latitude and 10o 12' 47 "west longitude."
"You must be a technician," said the man. "I am," replied the woman, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "everything you've said is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with the information. And the fact is that I still do not know where I am. Only thing I achieved from your aid, is that I'm even more late."
The woman on earth answered; "You must be a leader."
"I am," replied the man, "but how could you know?"
"It's easy. You do not know where you are or where you are going. You have climbed up with the aid of hot air. You have entered an agreement that you are unable to hold and you expect that people below you must solve your problem. The fact is that you are in the same situation as you were before you caught me, but now it's suddenly my fault!"
How can Donald Trump stop embarrassing leaks?
Depends.
Maria gets married and has 17 children.
Soon after the last child is born, her husband dies.
A few weeks later she remarried, and over the following years has another 22 children with her second husband.
After the last child is born her second husband also dies.
Within a month Maria is engaged to be married for the third time.
Unfortunately, she becomes very ill and dies. At her funeral, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin, he looks up to heaven and says:
"At last they are finally together".
A man standing next to the priest asks, "Excuse me Father, but do you mean Maria and her first husband, or Maria and her second husband?"
The priest replies "I mean her legs''.
Once, there was a man who was so upset by his past deeds that he decided to visit a church and confess all of his sins. When he arrived at the church, he walked to the confession area and spoke to the pastor.
"Father, I am sinful."
"Yes, son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will forgive you."
"Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, it's been 3 years and nothing serious ever happened between us. Yesterday, I visited her house, nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I slept with her."
"That's bad my boy, fortunately you realize your mistake."
"Father, last week I went to my girlfriend's office to look for her, but nobody was around except for one of her colleagues, so I slept with her too."
"That's not very good of you."
"Father, last month, I went to her uncle's house to look for her, nobody was around except for her auntie, and I slept with her too."
"Father? ... Father?"
Suddenly this guy realized that there was no response from the Father, he walked over and discovered that the Pastor was not there. So he began searching for him.
"Father? Where are you?"
He searched high and low, and finally he found him hiding under the table behind the piano.
"Father, why are you hiding here?"
"Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except me."
A man walks into a bar...
...and has a few drinks. Upon leaving the man sees a large jar of money sitting at the end of the bar. Curious, he asks the bartender, "What is that large jar of money for?" The bartender replys, "It's a local bet that I have running."
He then explains that if someone can make the bartender's mule laugh they will win the jar of money but, it costs $10 to try.
The man says, "I can make your mule laugh, so I'll take that bet." With that he tosses $10 into the jar and the bartender tells him to wait out front for him.
After a few minutes the bartender brings the mule around and the man walks up and whispers something in the mules ear. At this point the mule starts laughing hysterically. The bartender is quite surprised, but hands over the large jar of money. The man thanks the bartender, pays for his drinks and leaves.
A few years later the man passes by the bar again. Remembering the bar he stops for a drink. Again there is a large jar of money on the bar. So the man asks, "So what's the bet this time?" The bartender tells him that if he can make the mule cry, he can have the jar of money or pay $10 for failure.
"I'll take that bet!" says the man and he drops his $10 into the jar. "Do you mind if I have just a minute out back with your mule? I promise not to hurt him and will bring him around front in just a few minutes."
The bartender thinks about it for a moment, but agrees and steps out front to wait on the man. A few minutes later, the man brings the old mule around to the front of the bar and it is crying like a widow at a funeral.
The bartender is just about to pay up when he asks, "Last time I didn't ask what you said to make the mule laugh, but this is twice you've beat me and I must know what you said or did to my mule."
The man tells him that the first time he told the old mule his ***** was bigger, this time he showed him.
A Dog and a Leopard
A man decided to go on a safari. He took his faithful dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long the dog discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.
The dog thinks, “Oh boy, I’m in deep stuff now.” Then he notices some bones lying nearby on the ground and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, “That was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?”
Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, and slinks away into the trees. “Whew”, says the leopard. “That was close. That dog nearly had me.”
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.
So off he goes. But the dog sees him heading off after the leopard and figures that something is amiss. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans about the dog’s ruse and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Hop on my back, monkey, and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine. “Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, “Oh boy, it looks like I’ve really had it now.”
But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to the leopard and the monkey and pretends that he hasn’t seen them. And just when they get close enough to hear him, the dog says… “Where is that monkey? .. I sent him off an hour ago to get me another leopard and he’s still not back.”
Two blondes decide their house needs new siding
So they go out and buy the materials and return home to do the job. They decide it would be best for the first blonde to work on the front and the second on the back.
After about an hour the first blonde goes to the back to see how it's coming and watches as the other blonde picks up a nail and drive in, then pick up another nail and throws it on the ground and continues this repeatedly.
The first blonde yells "Why are you throwing good nails on the ground?"
The second blonde replies "They are defective! The pointy ends are pointing the wrong way."
"You idiot!" Shouts the first blonde. "Those are for the other side of the house. "
A Man Named Joke
Once upon a time in ancient times, there was a man named Joke. He lived a long and prosperous life, happily married to his wife and having three children.
In the culture that they lived in, most believed that when a person died, a new star was born in the sky for them. However, Joke did not believe this, and he firmly believed the soul was stored in comets, since they were sent from the heavens down to Earth.
Most would laugh at him, saying, "You are ridiculous to believe that someone's soul would be stored in comets after they pass! You surely can't be serious!"
But Joke kept his belief, and his family stood firmly behind him on it as well, believing it just as much as he did.
When he died, there was a service, and they buried him at night. At the end of his burial, everyone looked up to the stars.
They all whispered quietly, "A new star is born for Joke, who has passed on from us into the heavens."
Everyone said this except for his family.
They whispered in unison to one another, "The real Joke is always in the comets."
Johnny's Seven Cats
Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Six.”
Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven!”
Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!”
Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a freaking cat!”
A blonde goes to a bar and orders a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar.
It hits the blonde woman’s breasts and splashes all over them.
The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her breasts.
Each time the blonde calls for another beer this happens.
So, after the third beer, a guy decides to help the bartender out.
The next time the bartender hit her breasts, the man jumps up and starts to lick. She decks him!
He is lying on the floor moaning, “Jeez, lady… Why do you let the bartender do it and not me?”
“Helloooo!” says the blonde. “Bert has a licker license
She's single... She lives right across the street. I can see her place from my kitchen window. I watched as she got home from work this evening.
I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on the door.
I opened the door, she looked at me and said, "I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk, and get laid tonight. Are you doing anything?"
A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.
The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The KEY,"
where a small key is placed on the back of a woman's head and
can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a
brand new face lift.
Of course, the woman wanted "The Key."
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the key, and
the effects were wonderful -- the woman remained young
looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had
to turn the key and I've always loved the results. But now I've
developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible
bags under my eyes and the key won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags,
those are your breasts."
She said, "No point asking about the beard then..........."
Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing
it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring
day, decided he just had to play golf.
So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling
sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day.
As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father
Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty
miles away.
This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone
he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he
was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone
else was in church!
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord
while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed,
"You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"
The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."
Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight
towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and
fell into the hole.
IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!
St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and
asked, "Why did you let him do that?"
The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"
06-15-2017, 11:17 PM
(@Y@) FRIDAY FUNNIES JUNE 16th (@Y@)
