Kerrmudgeon

Not much in the old in box this morning gents, but I'll start it off with a couple....
________________________________________ __

Free Sex

A gas station in Halifax was trying to increase it's sales. So the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex With Fill-Up."

Soon a Canadian pulls in, fills his tank, and then asks for his free sex.

The gas attendent tells him pick to a number from 1 to 10 if he guesses correctly, he will get his free sex.

The Canadian says, "7"

The gas attendent says, "You were close, sir, but the number was 6. Sorry, no sex this time."

A week later, the same Canadian, along with his buddy, pulls in for a fill up. Again he asks for his free sex and again the gas attendent gives him the same story and asks him to guess the correct number.

The Canadian says, "5"

The gas attendent says, "Sorry,it was 4. You were so close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the Canadian says to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."

The buddy replies,"No, it ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week."

_______________________________

Assimilation troubles....

Eight-year-old Mohammad entered his classroom on the first day of school.

"What's your name?" asked the teacher.

"Mohammad," he replied.

"You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "so from now on you will be known as Frank."

Mohammad returned home after school.

"How was your day, Mohammad?" his mother asked.

"My name is no longer Mohammad. I'm in Ireland now and my name is Frank."

"What?" she said. "Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!" And his mother beat him.

Then she called his father, who beat him again.

The next day when Mohammad returned to school the teacher saw all of his bruises.

"What happened to you, Frank?" she asked.

"Well shortly after becoming Irish I was attacked by two freaking Arabs."

_______________________________


Be careful what you say....

Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

________________________________

Kerrmudgeon

Taking direction poorly.....

I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction.
In my script it clearly said: "Enter Juliette from the rear."

__________________________________


The Old Wyoming Rancher

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty year old rancher, in town.

Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was
marrying a 'mail order bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was
true. Tom assured him that it was.

The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.

Tom proudly said,
'She'll be twenty-one in November.

Now the banker, being the wise
man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young
woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year- old man. Wanting
his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully
suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him
out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Tom thought this was a
good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the
banker ran into Tom in town again. 'How's the new wife?', asked the
banker. Tom proudly said, 'Good - she's pregnant.' The banker,
happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And how's
the hired hand?
Without
hesitating, Tom said, 'She's pregnant too.

_________________________________

MAD IN NC

Words of Glasgow wisdom .....

The Glasgow invention of square-toed shoes was to enable the Glasgow man to get closer to the bar.

If a diminutive Frenchman goes on about seagulls, trawlers and sardines, he’s called a philosopher. In Scotland, you’d just be called a short-**** talking crap.

Kerrmudgeon

Life after death...

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform
the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there
was no after life at all.
After a long life together, Frank was the first to die. True to his
word, he made the first contact: "Kris, Kris, can you hear me?"
"Is that you, Frank?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then
it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and
then have sex a couple of more times.
Then I have lunch (and Kris, you'd be proud -- lots of greens).
Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest
of the afternoon.
After supper, it's back to the golf course again.
Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep
and then the next day it starts all over again".
"Oh, Frank! Are you in Heaven?"
"No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere in Arizona."

_____________________________

steampunk c1

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."
No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again, all was quiet.
Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, and the congregation roared.

Life is short, smile while you still have teeth.

steampunk c1

Distinction between Guts and *****

To those of you who are nit-pickers about the meaning of words: there is a medical distinction between Guts and *****.
We've all heard about people having Guts or *****, but do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - is arriving home late, after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask, “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”

***** - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, with lipstick on your collar, and slapping your wife on the butt and having the ***** to say, “You're next, Chubby.”

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome.

Both result in death.

steampunk c1

Oh how things have changed!
*EATING IN THE FIFTIES

Curry was a surname.

A takeaway was a mathematical problem.

A pizza was something to do with a leaning tower.

All potato chips were plain; the only choice we had was whether
to put the salt on or not.

Rice was only eaten as a milk pudding.

A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining.

Brown bread was something only poor people ate.

Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking.

Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves and never green.

Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded
as being white gold. Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.

Fish didn't have fingers in those days.
Eating raw fish was called poverty, not sushi.

None of us had ever heard of yoghurt.

Healthy food consisted of anything edible.

People who didn't peel potatoes were regarded as lazy.

Indian restaurants were only found in India.

Cooking outside was called camping.

Seaweed was not a recognised food.

"Kebab" was not even a word, never mind a food.

Prunes were medicinal.

Surprisingly, muesli was readily available, it was called cattle feed.

Water came out of the tap. If someone had suggested bottling it and
charging more than petrol for it they would have become a laughing stock!!


*The one thing that we never ever had on our table in the fifties ...... elbows!*

steampunk c1

> > Subject: Fw: Treatment For Sunburn
>
> > Boy, this doctor sure had wonderful recourses in his
> > treatment bag to come up with this brilliant idea !!! Good for him !!!!
> >
> >
> > New Treatment For Sunburn
> > A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn,
> > specifically to his upper legs.
> > He went to hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with
> > second-degree burns..
> > With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in,
> > the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline,
> > electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
> > The nurse was rather astounded and she asked "What good will Viagra do for
> > him, Doctor?"
> > The doctor replied, "Absolutely nothing for his condition, but it'll keep
> > the sheets off his legs!!!!!!
>

steampunk c1

Now on sale at IKEA - LESBIAN beds, no nuts or screwing involved, it's
all tongue and groove ...

A Muslim has been shot in the head with a starting pistol; police say
it's definitely race related ...

Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have
announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8 …

I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but

explaining they were not a dating agency ...

Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one but after looking
through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French
maid's outfit, and a police woman's uniform, he finally decided if she
can't hold down a job, she's not for him.



Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy. He nears the top of the
ladder and starts shaking and going dizzy. He calls down to Murphy and
says "I tink I will ave to go home, I've come all over giddy and feel
sick."
Murphy asks "Ave yer got vertigo?"
Paddy replies "No, I only live round the corner."



After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find
that the Titanic’s swimming pool was still full.

steampunk c1

Police Officer Test


How to tell the difference between an English Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a Scottish Police Officer

QUESTION:

You're on duty by yourself (don't ask why, you just are, and your Sergeant hates you) walking on a deserted street late at night. Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you. You are carrying your truncheon and are an expert in using it. However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you. What do you do ?

ANSWER:

English Police Officer:

The Officer must consider the man's human rights.

1) Does the man look poor or oppressed ?

2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law ?

3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger ?

4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack ?

5) Am I dressed provocatively ?

6) Could I run away ?

7) Could I possibly swing my truncheon and knock the knife out of his hand ?

8) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings ?

9) Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway and what kind of message does this send to society ?

10) Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me ?

11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me ?

12) If I raise my truncheon and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself ?

13) If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home ?


Canadian Police Officer:

BANG !

American Police Officer:

BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !

'Click'...Reload...

BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !


Scottish Police Officer:


"Haw, Jimmie.. Drop the knife, noo, unless you want this stuck up yer ****!"

Railroadman

A man is sitting weeping in the cemetery at a gravesite, crying over and over, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?".

"Was it your brother?" asked a passer by.

"No."

Your father?

"No, I never met him," came the response.

"Then who was he?"

"He was my wife's first husband..."

steampunk c1

There were 2 old-maid sisters... both virgins. It's Friday night and Gladys looks at Betty and says, "I'm not going to die a virgin... I'm going out and I'm not coming home 'til I've been laid!!" Betty says,

"Well, make sure you're home by 10, so I won't worry." 10 o'clock rolls around and there's no sign of Gladys... 11 o'clock... 12 o'clock... Finally about 15 after 1 the front door flies open. In runs Gladys... straight to the bathroom.

Betty goes and knocks on the door, "Are you okay, Gladys?" No answer, so she opens the door and there sits Gladys with her panties around her ankles, legs spread, and her head stuck between her legs looking at herself. "What is it, Gladys? What's wrong?" asks Betty. "Betty, it was 10 inches long when it went in... and 5 when it came out. When I find the other half you're gonna have the time of your life!!"





While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco , a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.

Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.

"You've gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree & pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the heck happened to you?"

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.

When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake..."

steampunk c1

The wit of the Scots . . ..

A Greek and a Scotsman were sitting in a Starbucks cafe discussing who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well we Greeks built the Parthenon" and arched his eyebrows.

The Scotsman replies, "Well . . . it was the Scots that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."

The Scotsman, nodding in agreement says, "Scots were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars."

And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.

With a flourish of finality he says,

"The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!"

The Scotsman replies, “Aye, that is true, but it was we Scots who introduced it to women” ………………

steampunk c1

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.


g



The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'



The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son,I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'












While the boy and his father were watching with amazement,a fat old lady in a motorized cart moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.













They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.






The doors opened and a young blonde stepped out.















The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....

'Go get your Mother'

Kerrmudgeon

My new house.....

Some of my friends have asked what I'm going to be doing in retirement...
Well, I applied for a building permit for a new house in the UK.
It was going to be 100 ft. tall and 400 ft. wide, with 12 gun turrets at various heights, and windows all over the place and a loud outside entertainment sound system that was loud enough to entertain the whole neighbourhood.
It would have parking for 200 cars, and I was going to paint it snot green with pink trim.
The City Council told me; “Forget it...IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN!”
So, I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a 'Mosque'.
Work starts on Monday.

davidf59

I was in the elevator when a very attractive and busty woman got in.
I was casually staring at her ***** when she said, "Would you please press 1"

So I did...and I don't remember much afterwards.

May be out of the hospital in a few days.


**************************************** ****
This guy decided to finally 'tie the knot' with his longtime girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf
shoes. His wife stood by watching him and, after a
long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey,
I've been thinking, now that we are married I think
it's time you quit golfing. Maybe you should sell your golf clubs."

Jim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

”There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.”

"Ex-wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

"I wasn't !!"


*********************************
One day during a game on the golf course I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer who lives in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine thanks," I replied. "My name's Jack," I said and introduced myself.

"Jack, forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later," she suggested.

"That's mighty nice of you," I answered "but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted. She was very pretty and very persuasive.

"Well okay," I finally agreed and added "but my wife won't like it."

After a restorative brandy, she insisted that I remove my clothes so she could give me a massage. Afterwards, I thanked my hostess for the exhilarating session I had with her.

"I feel a lot better now but I know my wife is going to be really upset."

1. "Don't be silly!" Elizabeth replied with a smile, "She won't know a thing. Where is she, anyway?"

"Under the cart!" I said...

erb64

A Scot is trapped with an Englishman and a Frenchman, little food and no water, and he only has a revolver with two cartridges, what does he do?

Shoot the Englishman twice.

Kerrmudgeon

...not a joke, but certainly words of wisdom as we travel the train of life. Thanks Bill Schmitt.
_____________________________________

Life is like a journey on a train...with its stations...with changes of routes...and with accidents!

At birth we boarded the train and met our parents, and we believe they will always travel on our side.

However, at some station our parents will step down from the train, leaving us on this journey alone.

As time goes by, other people will board the train; and they will be significant i.e. our siblings, friends, children, and even the love of our life.

Many will step down and leave a permanent vacuum. Others will go so unnoticed that we don't realize that they vacated their seats!

This train ride will be full of joy, sorrow, fantasy, expectations, hellos, goodbyes, and farewells.

Success consists of having a good relationship with all passengers...requiring that we give the best of ourselves.

The mystery to everyone is: We do not know at which station we ourselves will step down. So, we must live in the best way - love, forgive, and offer the best of who we are.

It is important to do this because when the time comes for us to step down and leave our seat empty -- we should leave behind beautiful memories for those who will continue to travel on the train of life.

I wish you a joyful journey. Reap success and give lots of love.

Thank God for the journey!

Thank you for being one of the passengers on my train!

ricks327

Three cowboys were seated around the campfire out on the lonesome sagebrush prairie, with the pride for which these men were famous, it was a night of bravado, a night of tall tales.

Tom, the hand from Wyoming says, 'I must be the strongest, meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral. It had gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands and castrated that sucker with my teeth.'

Ben, from Colorado, couldn't stand to be bested.. That's nothing, 'I was walking down the trail yesterday and a 15 foot diamondback rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that bastard with my bare hands, bit off its head, and sucked the poison down in one gulp and didn't even get a belly ache.'


Old Dingus Bob, the cowboy from West Texas, remained silent, slowly stirring the campfire coals with his pecker.

Kerrmudgeon

A broadcaster speaking in Ontario, says:

"I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another
mosque being built in Toronto. I think it should be the goal of every
Canadian to be tolerant regardless of their religious beliefs. Thus the
mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.

That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to
the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque. We
could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, "The Turban Cowboy,"
and the other a topless bar called "You Mecca Me Hot."

Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent
to that an open-pit barbecue pork restaurant, called "Iraq of Ribs."

Across the street there could be a lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret,"
with sexy mannequins in the window modelling the goods.

Next door to the lingerie shop there would be room for an adult sex toy shop,
"Koranal Knowledge," its name in flashing neon lights, and on the other side
a liquor store called "Morehammered."

All of this would encourage Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they
demand of us, so their mosque issue would not be a problem for others.”