Kerrmudgeon

Morning gents and ladies, I'm off for the weekend to visit the lake, so I'll start you off with a couple of chuckles.......


Perseverance......

One sunny day in January, 2017, an old man approaches the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue where he’d been sitting on a park bench. He speaks to the U.S. Marine standing guard and says, “I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.” The Marine looks at the man and says, “Sir, Mr. Obama is no longer President and no longer resides here. ”The old man says, “Okay,” and walks away.

The following day the same man approaches the White House and says to the same Marine, “I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.” The Marine again tells the man, “Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is no longer President and no longer resides here.” The man thanks him and again just walks away.

The third day the same man approaches the White House and speaks to the very same U.S. Marine, saying, “I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.” The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looks at the man and says, “Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I’ve told you already that Mr. Obama is no longer the President and no longer resides here. Don’t you understand?”
The old man looks at the Marine and says,“Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it.” The Marine snaps to attention, salutes, and says, “See you tomorrow, Sir!”

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Recycled but still funny....

The madam opened the brothel door in Salt Lake City and saw a rather
dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir?," she asked.

The man replied, "I want to see Valerie."

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would
prefer someone else," said the madam.

He replied, "No, I must see Valerie."

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave
it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row
as she was too expensive.

"There are no discounts. The price is still $5000."

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again.

Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night,
but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been
with me three nights in a row." "Where are you from?"

The man replied," Idaho."

"Really," she said. "I have family in Idaho."

"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her attorney."
"She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three (3) things in life are certain:

1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer!

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Bob's 64

Subject: Phone Call?



Husband’s call:

"Honey it's me. I don't want to alarm you but I was hit by a car as I was leaving the office.
Paula brought me to the hospital.
They have checked me over and done some tests and some x-rays.
The blow to my head was severe.
Fortunately it did not cause any serious internal injury.
However I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg,
and they think they may have to amputate my right foot."

Wife’s Response:

"Who is Paula?"

And if you find that hard to believe, you've never been married.

==================================
Facts about NYC.


http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/60-fa...new-place?bffb

out2kayak

out2kayak

A BLM (Bureau of Land Management) officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher.

He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch to ensure you are not encroaching on Federal land."

The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location, which boarder with National Forest.

The BLM officer verbally exploded, stating: "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government of the United States of America with me!"

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.

"See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish. On any land! No questions asked or answers given! Have I made myself clear? **Do you understand?!?! **"

The rancher then nodded politely, apologized and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull.

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.

"Your badge! Show him your badge!"

out2kayak

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more
than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the British, in the weeks that followed, a French archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the Le figaro: "Archéologues français, trouver des traces de fil de cuivre de 250 ans, ont conclu que leurs ancętres disposaient déjŕ d'un réseau de communication high-tech de pointe 50 années plus tôt que les Britanniques".

One week later, Al Gore reported in the Knoxville News Sentinel: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard that he found absolutely nothing. Mr. Gore therefore concluded that 250 years ago, the US had wireless communications."

magicv8

thanks for the French lesson. it surprises me that I can easily understand it in the context of the joke

out2kayak

Not sure if you already know of:

http://translate.google.com/

Pretty cool. Altavista (do you remember that web search engine, run by DEC?) had a service called babel (like the fish in Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy). It looks like after Yahoo purchased Overture Services, Inc (who owned Altavista at the time), the babel service died.

Anyhow, when I lived in the south of Belgium these services were a significant tool to aid me in my day to day life. Slowly I picked up a little French (which was spoken in the area I lived), but even still I used the service (though less frequently).



-- Joe

Railroadman

LADIES VS. REAL WOMEN

Ladies: If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant fix-me-up."

Real Woman: If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too
bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes,"


Ladies: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

Real Woman: Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who cares?


Ladies: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

Real Woman: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway.


Ladies: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

Real Woman: Buy boxed mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.


Ladies: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

Real Woman: Go to the bakery -- they'll even decorate it for you.


Ladies: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

Real Woman: Sara Lee frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg
whites over the crust, so I just don't do it.


Ladies: If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

Real Woman: Go ask the very cute neighbor guy to do it.


And finally the most important tip....


Ladies: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

Real Woman: Leftover wine??

Railroadman

Two of New England's finest undertakers, Old Mort Rogers and his brother Dick, are also experts at rigging sailing ships.

Most agree that Dick is a fine ship builder, but he's not the rigger Mort is.

Railroadman

When one of the two first-grade teachers at the posh suburb's new school left on her two-week honeymoon,the other volunteered to teach both classes in her absence.

A few weeks later, at a housewarming party given by the newlyweds, the guests were somewhat taken aback as the groom introduced them to his wife's teaching colleague:

"And this, ladies and gentlemen," announced the grateful husband, "is the lovely lady who substituted for my wife during our honeymoon."

Railroadman

Two diners at an inn are shocked to see on the menu a dish of "hickory-smoked possum jowls in pancake syrup." They summon a waiter to complain.

Their waiters looks at the menu. Then he flings it down and yells to the owner in the kitchen, "Hey, the dammed printers forgot to translate the menu into French again!"