Kerrmudgeon

The blonde and the horse

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.

The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.


Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves. As her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune... Frank, the Walmart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

________________________________



Bless the Newfies !

The newfies have solved their own fuel problems.
They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.

Me buddy's missus left him last Thursday.
She said she was going out for a pint of milk and never came back!
I asked him how he was coping and he said, “Not bad, I've been using that powdered stuff."
The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of me wife.
They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked, I answered, "Lard Jasus yes by'e, dats her."
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
I said, "I know by'e, but she's good to the kids & a tolerable cook."

Two Newfoundlanders find a mirror in the road.
The first one picks it up and says, "Lard Jasus I knows this face but I can't put a name to it."
The second picks it up and says, "You stupid bastard, it's me!"

A Newfie's in jail.
The guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging meself," he replies.
"It should be round your neck," says the guard.
"I tried that," the Newfie says, "but I couldn't friggin' breathe."

jester ___________________________________



Julie Could Not Stop

Julie was driving a people carrier full of ten screaming kids through the high street looking for a space. Too frazzled to effectively pay attention, she coasted right through a stop sign.

A man in a passing car leaned out of his window and yelled, "Hey, lady, have you forgotten how to stop?"

Julie out of her window and yelled back, "What makes you think these kids are all mine?"
__________________________


Elderly smarts....

Patrol Officer Meets His Match NYPD - Patrol Car for speeding

A patrol officer pulled over Enid for speeding. Enid was a 65 year old lady from out of state.

The officer asked to see her licence. 'Don't have one' Enid said. 'Can I please see the Vehicle registration' the officer asked firmly but politely. 'Nope' snapped Enid.

In that case I will have to take you into the Police station and charge you there. When they arrived they arresting officer said, to the duty sergeant. This lady has no licence and no vehicle registration.

'Sure I do' said Enid sweetly. 'This officer has got in for me, the next thing is he will be saying that I was speeding'.

_________________________________


Eye Test Doctor

A short Polish immigrant went to the DVLA to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.

The optician showed him a card with the letters. On the bottom row were these letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

'Can you read this?' the optician asked.

'Read it?' the Polish guy replied - 'I know the fellow.'

___________________________

Time to Stop

A traffic cop pulled alongside a speeding car on the motorway. Glancing into the car, he was astounded to see that the young lady, who was driving, was knitting.

Realising that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the policeman wound down his window, turned on his loudspeaker and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'

'NO, 'the young lady yelled back, 'IT's A SCARF!'

___________________________


No Driving Licence

Betty was sitting on a lawn sunning and reading, when she was startled by a Buick Enclave crashing through a hedge and coming to rest on her lawn. She helped the elderly driver out and sat him on a lawn chair. "My goodness," she exclaimed, "you are quite old to be driving!" "Yes", he replied, "I am old enough that I don't need a license."

"What....NO LICENSE?" "Nope! The last time I went to my doctor he examined me, and asked if I had a driving license. I told I did have one and handed it to him. He took scissors out of a drawer, cut the license into pieces, threw them in the wastebasket and said, 'You won't be need this anymore.' So, I thanked him and left."

______________________________

Teenagers!

A teenage boy called Joel had just passed his driving test and asked Dad when they could discuss his use of the car.

Dad said 'Ill make a deal with you Joel, You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Joel, you've brought your grades up and I've seen that you have been studying your Bible. But I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."

"You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my Bible studies that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."

"Joel, did you also notice all those people walked everywhere they went?"

____________________________




The Kitchen

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband when he burst into the kitchen.

'Careful, 'he cried, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my goodness! you're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my word! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? they're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

The wife stared at him in amazement, 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

The husband calmly replied, 'I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

_________________________________

Learning Fast

Paul saw an advertisement for a Driving School that claimed it could teach anyone to drive a car in ten minutes. He 'phoned the school and asked, 'How can you possibly teach anyone to drive in only ten minutes?' The Driving School receptionist replied, 'Of course, it's a crash course.'

___________________

More later hopefully, stay tuned!

steampunk c1

some rude words LITTLE HARRY ON MATHS (Part 1)


A teacher asks her class,

'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence, and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?

She calls on little Harry.

He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'

Then little Harry says, 'I have a question for YOU Miss Rogers'.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream.
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking on the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little Harry replies, 'The correct answer is 'The one with the wedding-ring on, 'but I like your thinking.'


LITTLE HARRY ON ENGLISH

Little Harry goes to school and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words in our class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

Harry says 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, Harry, that's a real mouthful.'

Little Harry says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blow-job.'


LITTLE HARRY ON GRAMMAR

Little Harry was sitting in the class one day.
All of a sudden he needed to go to the bathroom..
He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to go take a ****!!'

The teacher replied, 'Now Harry, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation The correct word you want to is, 'I need to Urinate'. Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly and I will allow you to go.'
Little Harry thinks for a bit, and then says, 'YOUR'E AN EIGHT, but if you had bigger ****, you'd be a TEN'

steampunk c1

One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy shop, reaches into his pocket
and takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon.
He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist.

"Could you taste this for me, please." ?

The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the
liquid around and swallows it.

"Does that taste sweet to you," ? says Paddy.

"No, Not at all," says the chemist.




"Oh that's a relief," says Paddy.

"The doctor told me to come here and
get my urine tested for sugar."

steampunk c1

Black Panties

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago.
Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get
back into the dating world.
Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied,
"Mom I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit.
They took to one another and after dating for six weeks,
he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain ....

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.
There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties
He in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"

She replied:
"My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore,
But down there I am still mourning."

He knew he was not getting lucky that night.

The following night was the same --
She stood there wearing the black lacy panties,
And he was in his birthday suit --
But now he was wearing a black condom....

She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"

He replied,
"I want to offer my deepest condolences"

steampunk c1

A Muslim wife complains to her husband that all the romance had gone out of their marriage.

"Remember when you used to carry me up to bed?" she asked..

Yeah," he replied, "But be fair, you were only eleven at the time!!!!

steampunk c1

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night..
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching ****.."
Dad says,"What? At your age I didn't even know what **** was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says,"Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.

Robot for sale!

steampunk c1

ect: FW: Hanging by my Booba








> > Hanging By My Boob!
> >
> > While conducting some business at the Courthouse, I
> > overheard a lady, who had been arrested for assaulting a
> > Mammogram Technician, say, "Your Honor, I'm guilty but -
> > there were extenuating circumstances."
> >
> >
> > The female Judge said, sarcastically, "I'd certainly
like to > > hear those 'extenuating' circumstances." I did
too, > > so-o-o-o, I listened as the lady told her story.
> >
> >
> >
> > Your Honor, I had a mammogram appointment, which I
actually > > kept. I was met by this perky little clipboard
carrier > > smiling from ear to ear. She tilted her head to
one > > side and crooned, "Hi! I'm Belinda! All I need
> > you to do is step into this room right here, strip to
the > > waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?"
> >
> > I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket
> > science." Belinda then skipped away to prepare the
> > chamber of horrors.
> >
> >
> > With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me
(literally) > > to the left and said, "Hmmm. Can you stand
on your > > tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get
> > everything?" Fine, I answered.
> >
> >
> >
> > I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use
the > > remaining circulation in my legs and neck to finish
me > > off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied
> > gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two 4
> > inch pieces of square glass) when I heard and felt a
zap! > >
> >
> > Complete darkness, the power was off!
> >
> >
> > Belinda said, "Uh-oh, maintenance is working. Bet they
> > hit a snag." Then she headed for the door. "Excuse
> > me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?"
> > I shouted.
> >
> >
> > Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy...the
> > door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall
> > lights. I'll be right back."
> >
> >
> > Before I could shout NO-O-O-O, she disappeared. And
> > that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, 'Maintenance Men
> > Extraordinaire' found me - half-naked with part of me
> > dangling from the Jaws of Life, and the other part
smashed > > between glass!
> >
> >
> > After exchanging a polite, "Hi, how's it going?" type
> > greeting, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter
> > disbelief, if I knew the power was off. Trying to
> > disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as
> > possible, "Uh, yes, I did. But thanks anyway."
> >
> >
> > "OK, you take care now." Bubba replied and waved
good-bye as > > though I'd been standing in the line at the
grocery store. > >
> >
> > TWO hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish
> > grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she
> > said, "Oh I am so-o-o-o sorry! The power came back on
and I > > totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to
> > lunch. Are we upset?"
> >
> >
> > And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up
> > between the clamps...."
> >
> >
> > The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said
> > "Case Dismissed".
> >
> >
> > When you stop laughing, click on FORWARD and let the
rest of > > our "sisters" laugh too.
> >

steampunk c1

JUST IMAGINE..

If you had bought $1,000 of Qantas shares one year ago, you would have $49 today!

If you bought $1,000 AIG shares one year ago, you would have $33 today!

If you bought $1,000 worth of Lehman Brothers shares one year ago, you would have $0.00 today!

BUT... if you purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then returned the aluminium cans for recycling….

YOU WOULD HAVE RECEIVED $214!!!

BASED ON THE ABOVE, THE BEST CURRENT INVESTMENT PLAN IS TO DRINK HEAVILY AND RECYCLE!

AND,DID YOU KNOW..


A recent study found that the average Aussie walks 900 MILES A YEAR!!!

Another study found that Aussies drink, on average, 22 GALLONS OF ALCOHOL A YEAR!!!

THAT MEANS THAT, ON AVERAGE, AUSSIES GET... 41 MILES TO THE GALLON.

steampunk c1

FW: Granny's Advice.






Our grandmothers had genuine knowledge of staying naturally healthy.

My granny lectured me about her practical knowledge:

““For better digestion, I drink beer, for loss of appetite I drink white wine, with low blood pressure red wine, with high blood pressure cognac, and whenever I have a cold, I drink rum.””

"And when do you drink water?"

"I've never been that sick!"

steampunk c1

THINK THE CHILDREN OF TODAY HAVE IT TOO EASY?









Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out,
"Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"



Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."



Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."



So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back,
"Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"







"Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"



Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!



"Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."



So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back,
"Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"



Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"





Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling,
"Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"



To which Ma replies,"Hurts, don't it?!"






/

steampunk c1

ALWAYS ASK, NEVER ASSUME!!






His request approved, the Bulletin Newspaper
photographer quickly used his mobile phone to
call the Townsville airport to charter a flight.


He was told a twin-engine plane
would be waiting for him at the airport.


Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane
warming up outside a hanger.


He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut,
and shouted, 'Let's go'.


The pilot taxied out, swung the plane
into the wind and took off.


Once in the air, the photographer instructed
the pilot, 'Fly over Mount Stuart and make
low passes so I can take pictures
of the fires on the hillsides.'


'Why?' asked the pilot.


'Because I'm a photographer for the Bulletin'
he responded,' and I need to get
some close up shots.'


The pilot was strangely silent for a moment,
finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me,
is . . ..... You're NOT my flight instructor?'




"Life is short..
Drink the good wine first."

steampunk c1

Jennifer, a manager at the Gold Coast Council, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening.

After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four people who were equally qualified.

Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question.

Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'

The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head. There's no warning.'

'That's very good!' replied Jennifer. 'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man.

'Hmmm...let me see, A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened.

A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'

'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed.'

She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

'Well, out at my dad's property, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of.'

Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. 'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said

Turning to Wally, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.

Old Wally replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHOEA.

''WHAT!?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response.

'Oh sure', said Wally. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran to the bathroom but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already **** myself.'

Wally is now working at the Gold Coast Council

steampunk c1

A man received the following text from his neighbor:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.
I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around.

In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse.

I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my
sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen gain.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn auto correct. I meant "wifi", not "wife".

Railroadman

AP news: Early in the morning hours of March 28 2014, Floyd's Rexall Drug store at 2367 Main St. was broken into. Local authorities say two men were seen running from the crime scene. Upon further examination the owner of the store noticed that only the supply of Viagra was missing.

The Police are now on the lookout for two hardened criminals ...

Railroadman

An old man is talking long-distance to California when all of a sudden he gets cut off.

He hollers, "Operator, give me back the party!"

She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to place the call again."

He says, "Operator, ya know what" Take da telephone and shove it in your a$$."

Two days later he opens the door and there are two big, strapping guys standing there who tell him, "We've come to take the phone out."

He says, "Why?"

They say, "Because you insulted Operator 28 two days ago. But if you'd like to call up and apologize, we'll leave the phone here."

He says, "Wait a minute, vat's the rush, hang on a minute!"

He goes to the phone and dials.

"Hello? Get me operator 28. Hello? Operator 28? Remember me? Two days ago I insulted you? I told you to take the telephone and shove it in your a$$"

She says, "Yes?"

He says, "Well, get ready, they're bringing it to ya!"

Railroadman

Two young men are speculating on how long they might live, and one
says he thinks he has a long life ahead of him. "After all," he says, "my grandfather lived to be 96."

"Ninety-six? What finally got him?" the other man asks.

"Liquor and women."

"Well, that just goes to show you," snickers the friend, "both will get you in the end."

"Well actually, no, it's not what you think," says the first man. "Toward the end, Grandpa couldn't get either one, so he just laid down and died."

Railroadman

An Indian walks into a trading post and asks for toilet paper. The clerk asks if he would like no-name, Charmin, or White Cloud.

"White Cloud sounds like good Indian toilet paper," says the Indian. "How much is it?"

"$1.00 a roll," the clerk replies.

"That seems pretty expensive," responds the Indian. "What about the others?"

"Charmin is $2.00 a roll and no-name is 50 cents a roll."

The Indian doesn't have much money so he opts for the no-name.
Within a few hours he is back at the trading post.

"I have a name for the no-name toilet paper," he announces to the clerk. "We call it John Wayne."

"Why's that?" asks the confused clerk.

"Cause it's rough and tough and it don't take no crap from an Indian."

Curvette1

"How long have you been driving without a tail light?" asked the policeman after pulling over a motorist?
The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car and gave a long, painful groan and put his face in his hands.

He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit.

"Come on, now," he said, "you don't have to take it so hard. It isn't that serious."

"It isn't?" cried the motorist. "Then you know what happened to my boat and trailer?"

Curvette1

A distraught senior citizen
phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know,
"that the medication
you prescribed has to be taken
for the rest of my life?"
"'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence
before the senior lady replied,
"I'm wondering, then,
just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is marked
'NO REFILLS'."
***********************


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Curvette1

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was
manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars
of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was
to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New
York . This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise
ever delivered to Mexico . But as we know, the great ship did not make
it to New York . The ship hit an iceberg and sank. The people of
Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its
delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great,
that they declared a National Day of Mourning.
The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known,
of course, as -
Sinko De Mayo.
WHAT ??? You expected something educational ?
You need a shot of Tequila ..