Kerrmudgeon

It sure doesn't feel like spring approaching.....20F below zero with the wind this morning! :
Not much in the funny cupboard this morning, but I'll start it off for you guys.....
________________________________________

Don't mess with old folks......

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, officer."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my backyard is next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knothole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off... kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'Why not make the best of it? So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knothole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers and every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I grab hold of it and say, 'OK, buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes.'
"That seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays!"

_____________________________


EIGHT THOUGHTS TO PONDER:

Number 8
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 7
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 6
Men have two emotions : Hungry and Horny . They can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

Number 5
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

Number 4
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in
The hospitals, dying of nothing.

Number 3
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And The Number 1 Thought
Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your *** tomorrow.

______________________________



Alaska, the last frontier....

The day after his wife disappeared In a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife", said one of the troopers.

Tell me! Did you find her?", Wilkens exclaimed.

The troopers looked at each other.

One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay ."

"Oh my God!", exclaimed Wilkens.

Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five-pound king crabs and 6 good-sized Dungeness crabs clinging to her, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"

The trooper replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."

_____________________________

Kerrmudgeon

What's in a name....

When the National Congress of American Indians requested that NFL teams stop using derogatory terms for Native Americans, the Washington Redskins announced they would rename themselves after other local figures.
Effective immediately the team will be called the Washington Foreskins, in honor of all the dicks on Capitol Hill.

________________________________


Blondes....

When the host asked an attractive blonde party guest if she would like another drink, she bowed her head slightly and said, "No, thanks you. My husband limits me to one." "Why is that?" the host asked.
She responded, "Because after one drink I can feel it, and after two drinks, anyone can."

__________________________________

Marriage.....

A young couple on the brink of divorce decided to visit a marriage counselor.
"What's the problem?" the counselor asked.
The wife responded, "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."
"Do you?" the counselor asked the husband.
"Not really," replied the husband. "She's the one who suffers, not me!"

_________________________________

Breasts are proof positive that men can concentrate on more than one thing at a time....

Kerrmudgeon

If you recall Jeff Gordon's original "test ride" video, a few journalists cried foul, and said it was a setup for publicity. In this new vid, Jeff takes one of the nay sayers for a spin in his "taxi"......

Railroadman

A man received the following text from his neighbor:

"I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again."

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

"Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife"."

Railroadman

An enthusiastic lady reporter was interviewing people in local old folks home for stories of the old days. She was talking to an old retired Colonel, a very interesting man.

"It was in the days of the old raj. I was leading my troops through the jungle when suddenly an enormous tiger jumped on me from a tree, roaring
AAAAAAAARRRGHHHHHH.

I crapped my pants!"

"I'm not surprised, with your life in danger from a tiger."

"No, not back in India. Just now when I shouted AAAAAARRGGHHH..."

Curvette1

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
>
> He unwrapped the plain hamburger and
> carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
>
> He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
>
> He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them
> .... As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
>
> Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'
>
> As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything
>
> People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turnssipping the drink.
>
> Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.
> This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything..'
>
> Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'
>
> She answered
>
>
> 'THE TEETH.'

Curvette1

I walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.

The woman behind the counter I was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees.

She then asked if she could help me.

I said that it was something that I would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

The lady pharmacist assured me that she was completely professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she would treat me with a high level of professionalism.

I reluctantly agreed and began by saying, “This is tough for me to discuss, but I get an erection every day that lasts more than four hours, but I don't use Viagra, this just happens naturally. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it?”

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister".

When she returned, she said, "We discussed this at length and here is the absolute best we can do:

...1/3 ownership in the store,
...a company pickup truck,
...a king size bed and
...$3,000 a month in living expenses."

Grumpy78

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!
Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:
a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, ' Don 't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, ********* nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
• My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
• The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
• My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
• My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
• I had no control over the drooling.
• Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
• I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

Curvette1

Bringing Home A Drunk

A guy was in a bar about as drunk as it's possible to get.

A group of guys notice his condition and decide to be good Samaritans and take him home.

First they stand him up to get to his wallet so they can find out where he lives, but he keeps falling down. He fell down eight more times on the way to the car, each time with a real thud.

After they get to his house, he falls down another four times getting him to the door. His wife comes to the door, and one guy says, "We brought your husband home."

The wife asks, "Where's his wheelchair?

MAD IN NC

How many doctor’s does it take to change a lightbulb? http://www.youtube.com/embed/gSw4CLV14sQ?rel=0


Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was REALLY angry.
She told him, "Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Ed has been missing since Friday.

Please pray for him.








Old Chinese Proverbs
Virginity like bubble, one *****, all gone.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratch *** should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong: man with four ***** cannot walk.

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget








A FEW GOOD SALESMEN

SALES: "you want answers???"


FINANCE: "I want the truth!!"

SALES: "You can't handle the truth"....but I'll answer the
 question....Son, we live in a world that requires revenue.... who's going to find it?
 You...in Finance? We have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom.
You scoff at Sales and you curse at our incentives. You have that luxury... You have the luxury of not knowing what we know,
that while current results are tragic, we're driving new sales and that our efforts, while resented and misunderstood by you, drives REVENUE!

You don't want to know the truth because deep down in places you don't
 talk about at staff meetings....you want us on that sale; you NEED us on that sale!

We use words like comps, upgrades, discounts; we use these words as the backbone of the time spent negotiating something....you use them as a punch line! I have neither the time nor inclination to explain ourselves to people who rise and sleep under the very blanket of income I provide and then
question the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said "thank you" and went on your way... Otherwise I suggest you pick up the phone and solicit some customers. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you're entitled to!


FINANCE: "Did you or did you not expense the lap dances?????"


SALES: "You're damn right I expensed the lap dances!!"







Seven Degree’s of Blonde…
FIRST DEGREE 
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang 
at 2 in the morning.The very blonde wife picked up the phone, 
listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles 
from here!' and hungup.
The husband said, 'Who was that?' 

The wife answered,'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.' 



SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the 
sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror 
and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'

The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!'

So, the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!' 



THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and 
buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really 
angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is 
overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. 

The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!' 



FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. 
She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, ... I know 'em all.' 

A friend says, 'OK,what's the capital of Wisconsin?'
The blonde replies,'Oh, that's easy .. it's W.' 



FIFTH DEGREE 
Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? 
A: 'Is it mine?' 


SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US 
Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what 
Roe vs. Wade was about. 

Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision 
George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware.'



SEVENTH DEGREE 
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house 
ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and 
reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, 
and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde 
ranout on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then 
sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come 
home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'

Kerrmudgeon

Q and A on aging......

Q: Where can single men over the age of 50 find younger women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore, under Fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done, you will have a place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible... Is that true? Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: "And Mary rode Joseph's *** all the way to Egypt ..."

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your over-50 year-old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out..

Q: Why should 50-plus year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 50-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 50-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 50-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these!"

SMILE, You've still got your sense of humor!

ricks327

3 Holy Men and A Bear





A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.


Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.


'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.


Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.

In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.

So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.





The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start.

GEM '62

A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well; however, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs n his crotch . Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily --- if at all. Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence, "Get well soon from the nurse in the Ford Explorer you pulled over last week."

Kind of brings tears to your eyes doesn't it?

Railroadman

You know those 3 preachers Ricks 327 tells about above? Well, those fellows had been going camping every summer for several years. And a funny thing always happened.

They'd be out in the lake, and the Baptist preacher stood up in the rowboat and say "Behold, brothers, the power of my FAITH!" And with that he walked across the water to the shore.

Not to be outdone, the Catholic priest would then stand up and proclaim "I, too have FAITH!" and with that, HE would walk across the water to the land.

Invariably the Jewish rabbi would follow suit. He would stand up, proclaim "I call upon my FAITH!" - and step off the boat with a mighty splash!

One year after this happened yet again, the priest standing on shore turned to the minister and said "If we didn't need someone to bring the boat back in, I'd be glad to show him where those rocks are!"

out2kayak

Fishing anyone?