Kerrmudgeon

Frozen Windows...

Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning: "Windows frozen, won't open.

"Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it.

"Wife texts back five minutes later: "Computer totally screwed up now."

__________________________




The Winter Boots

(Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this)

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her pupils put on his boots?

He asked for help and she could see why.

Even with her pulling, and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.

By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said,

'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.'

She looked, and sure enough, they were.

Unfortunately, it wasn't any easier pulling the boots off, than it was putting them on.

She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet.

He then announced,

'These aren't my boots.'

She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream,

'Why didn't you say so?'

like she wanted to.

Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.

No sooner had they got the boots off when he said,

'They're my brother's boots. But my Mom made me wear 'em today.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.

But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots BACK onto his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked,

'Now, where are your mittens?'

He said,

'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'

She'll be eligible for parole in three years.....

__________________________


Elk sex

Two Norwegians are drinking in a bar. One says, "Did you know that elks have sex 10 to 15 times a day?"
"Aw crap..," says his friend, "and I just joined the Knights of Columbus!

____________________________


I love retirement for all the reasons below....

Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for a senior who still works and refuses to retire?
Answer: Nuts

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there. Or move back in there . . .

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break spiked !

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he worked with worked?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday & Sunday, I rest.

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied..
'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented..
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

The nice thing about being senile is
you can hide your own Easter eggs

I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed.
'Why Wal-Mart?'
'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also,..... my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

These days about half the stuff
in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'


THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.


Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!

Always Remember This:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing

_______________________________


GOTTA PEE.....

Two
women friends had gone for a girls' night
out.
Both
were very faithful and loving wives,
however
They
had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi
Breezers.

Incredibly
drunk and walking home they needed to
Pee,
so they stopped in the cemetery.

One
of them had nothing to wipe with so she
thought
She
would take off her panties and use them.

Her
friend however was wearing a rather
expensive
Pair
of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She
was lucky enough to squat down next to a
grave
That
had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she
Proceeded
to wipe with that.

After
the girls did their business, they proceeded
to
Go
home.

The
next day, the husband of one of the women was
concerned that his normally sweet and innocent
wife was still in bed hung over,
So he phoned
the other husband and said:
"These
girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to
suspect the worst. My wife came home with no
panties!!"

"That's
nothing," said the other husband,
"Mine
came back with a card stuck to her butt that
said.....

'From
all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll
never forget
you.'"

_______________________________

thanks Bill Schmit!

Kerrmudgeon

Some of you may have seen this, but it's a great true lawyer story.....

This took place in Charlotte, North Carolina. A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued--and WON! (Stay with me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous.

The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable "fire" and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the "fires."

NOW FOR THE BEST PART: After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

___________________________


This will give you a laugh for sure......

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v...type=2&theater

___________________________


STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die? * his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? * at the bottom of the page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which State? * liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce? * marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure? * exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast? * Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple? * The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become? * It will simply become wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ? * No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand? * You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ? * Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it? * No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? *Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

_________________________


What is Celibacy?

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”

He then addressed the men:

“Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?”

Frank leaned over, touched Ann’s arm gently, and whispered, “Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?”

And thus began Frank's life of celibacy.

_________________________

GEM '62

The Light turned yellow
The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer
Ordered her to exit her car with her hands up..

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car."

GEM '62

Job listing - Gynecologist's Assistant.

A retired man went into the Job Center in Downtown Denver, and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.

The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. The annual salary
is $65,000, and you'll have to go to Billings, Montana."
"Good grief . . . Is that where the job is?"

"No sir... that's where the end of the line is right now".

GEM '62

SENIOR DRIVER

My neighbor was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up
in his front lawn.
He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.
He said with excitement, "you appear quite elderly to be driving."
"Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly. "I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don't even need a driver's license
anymore.
"The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license.
I told him yes and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste
basket, saying,
'You won't need this anymore,' so I thanked him and left!"

ricks327

The Marriage Counselor

A married couple goes to a marriage counselor to work out some problems.

The counselor sits them down and says, "Let's start by talking about what you both have in common."

The husband says, "Well for starters, neither one of us will suck a d*ck."

Kerrmudgeon

Rye Bread...

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat Jewish rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies. You'll feel like 40 again!"

So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any Jewish rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want five loaves."

She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this, but me."

plaidside

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

Men Are Just Happier People --
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack...
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
If someone forgets to invite you,
He or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives
On December 24 in 25 minutes.

MAD IN NC

*SOUNDS OF A CORVETTE *

Sam has just roared down the street, revving the engine. As he parks and
gets out of the 63 SW Corvette there are two gents from Tanzania standing there.
He overhears one of them saying to the other, "I'm telling you it's V-OOM:
V-O-O-M," says the first.


"No. It's woombaa: W-O-O-M-B-A-A," says the second.

"No, no, no. VOOM, V-O-O-M," says the first again.

At this, Sam feels compelled to say, "I think you'll find, gentlemen, it's
VAROOM, V-A-R-O-O-M,"


The two Tanzanians look blankly at Sam, until one of them says, "Sir, I
doubt if you've ever even SEEN a water buffalo, let alone heard one fart in
a mud-pool,"

MAD IN NC

The Conference Call… we all been there!


http://www.wimp.com/conferencecall/

Railroadman

After celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary with a romantic dinner at a restaurant, the wife thanked her husband for a wonderful evening.

"It's not over yet," he said, and once back at the house, he presented her with a little black velvet box. She opened it in eager anticipation, but found nothing more than two pills inside.

"What are these pills?" she asked, puzzled.

"Aspirin."

"But I don't have a headache."

"Gotcha!" he cried triumphantly.

ricks327

The Sneeze



A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane..
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.
As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and
said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded, "Pepper."

warrenmj

A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately when Bob arrives at the stadium, he discovers the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium. He's closer to the Goodyear blimp than the field.

About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says no.

Now very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?"

The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to be here with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together since we got married in 1967." "Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or close friend?"


"No," the man replies, "They're all at the funeral."

steampunk c1

A man has been suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he's referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies.
"I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and...."
He is interrupted by the doctor, "And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear".
"Yes! Exactly! How did you know?"
"Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes".
Two weeks go by and the man is back, "Well, how do you feel?"
"Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a headache since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough. And, by the way you have a nice house."

steampunk c1

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love.
All of the sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina.
The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!"
The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation.
The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if you would permit me, sir."
The husband, being very concerned, agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina.
The doctor said, "Okay, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my ***** and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee I'll withdraw my ***** and the bee should follow my ***** out of your wife's vagina."
The husband nodded and gave his approval.
The young lady said, "Yes, yes, whatever, just get on with it!"
So the doctor covered the tip of his ***** with honey and inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper."
So the doctor went deeper and deeper.
After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began to moan and groan aloud.
The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself. He then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.
At this point the husband suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, "Now wait a minute! What the hell do you think you're doing?"
The doctor, still concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the bastard!"

steampunk c1

After a few years of married life, this man finds that he is unable to perform anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him, "This is all in your mind," and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." Finally, the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.
The witch doctor says, "I can cure this", and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say "123" and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy then asks the witch doctor, "What happens when it's over?" The witch doctor says, "All you or your partner has to say is "1234" and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for a year". So, the guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. While lying in bed with her he says, "123", and suddenly he gets an erection. His wife turns over and says, "What did you say 123 for?"

steampunk c1

A doctor at an insane asylum, decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.
As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up nuts!" The inmates complied by standing up.
After the anthem he yelled, "Down Nuts!" They all sat.
After a home run he yelled, "Cheer nuts!" They all broke into applause and cheers.
Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned there was a riot in progress.
Finding his assistant, he asked what happened. The assistant replied, "Well...everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, "PEANUTS!"

steampunk c1

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, “Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?” “None,” replied Johnny, “cause the rest would fly away.” “Well, the answer is four,” said the teacher, “but I like the way you’re thinking.”

Little Johnny says, “I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?”

“Well,” said the teacher nervously, “I guess the one sucking the cone.”

“No,” said Little Johnny, “the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you’re thinking.”

steampunk c1

In a city park stood two beautiful statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many, many years. Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, “Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire.” And with that command, the statues came to life.

The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping.

After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, “You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?”

The male statue looked at the female and asked, “Do you want to do it again?”

Smiling, the female statue said, “Sure. But this time you hold down the pigeon and I’ll crap on its head!”

steampunk c1

Off to Vegas
A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.

'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man.

'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!

'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.

'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.

The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!'