Kerrmudgeon

Have a great Veterans Day Weekend

And it's Memorial day on Monday for us to the north.


Freya was driving her Chevrolet home in New Mexico when she saw an elderly Apache woman walking along the side of the road. She stopped the car and asked the woman if she would like a lift?

With a silent nod, the woman climbed into the car. Freya tried in vain to make conversation with the Apache woman.

The old Apache looked closely at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a red gift bag on the seat next to Freya.

'What's in the bag?' asked the old woman.

'It's a bottle of whiskey that I got for my husband.'

The Apache woman was silent for another minute or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, 'Good trade.'

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Best Driving Excuses

I was thinking of listing my favourite driving excuses, but I heard a case of website where a chap boasted about getting away with something, only for the Police to read his site and arrest him. So I'll have to keep certain ideas in the pending tray. Well I cannot leave you in suspense. Here is my favourite driving excuse, names have been withheld to protect the guilty.

A lady drove the wrong way up a one way street and then parked on double yellow lines. When she came out of the shop, there was a policeman, notebook in hand.' Do you realize what you have just done madam?' the policeman said, as reeled of enough offences to have her banned from driving.

'But you cannot book me officer', she said. The officer replied more intrigued than doubting his authority, 'and why not? 'Because', the lady said, 'my husband will beat me - AGAIN.'

I have to say quickly, that I know for a fact, that this lady's husband is the most mild mannered and loving man you could meet (and its not me). What I am searching for is the magic driving excuse but reversing the genders. I cannot in all sincerity say to a police officer, 'You cannot book because my wife will beat me', or even 'because my wife will nag me - again'. It just does not carry these same Veritas when the genders are reversed.

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Oops!.....

A True Car Story - Allegedly

A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no - he only lives a mile away.

About five blocks from the party the police pull him over for weaving all over the road, ask him to get out of the car and take the breathalyser test. Just as he is about to blow into the bag, the police radio informs the policemen of a robbery taking place in a house a short distance away.

The police tell the partygoer to remain where he is, they will be right back; and they run down the street to the robbery.

The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has 'flu and has been in bed all day.They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage and opens the door where they find the police car, lights still flashing.

A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. X lives there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with 'flu and has been there all day. However, the police have his driver's license. They ask to see his car, and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage and opens the door where they find the police car, lights still flashing.

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Young v Old Drivers - No Contest

Elsie, an elderly lady, stopped to drive into a parking space when a young man in his brand new red BMW drove around her and parked in the space that she had been waiting for. Elsie was so angered that she approached the young fellow and enquired, through gritted teeth, 'I was about to park there.'

The man looked at her with disdain and replied, 'That's what you can do when you're young and bright.'

This annoyed Elsie even more, so she got back in her car, backed it up and then she stamped on the accelerator and rammed straight into his BMW. Car Jokes

The young man ran back to his car and shouted in a stunned voice, 'What did you do that for?'

Elsie smiled at him and said, 'That's what you can do when you're old and rich.'

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Kerrmudgeon

Check out Greg Hahn on Utube for more of him....this guy's NUTZ!

Kerrmudgeon

Say WHAT?....

A dwarf gets on an elevator and pushes the button to go up, just before the door closes, a hand comes through and opens the door.

In steps a very large black man. The dwarf stares and says "You're the biggest man I have ever seen".

The man nods his head, and replies "I'm 6-9, weigh 259 lbs., and I have 16 inches, I'm Turner Brown."
The dwarf faints!

After regaining his consciousness, the dwarf asks the man to repeat himself. So he does, "I said I'm 6 - 9, 259 lbs., with 16 inches, my name is Turner Brown."

The dwarf looked relieved and started laughing.
"For a minute there, I thought you said 'Turn Around'."

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Sign language...

A guy is driving out in the middle of nowhere, very lost. Finally he spots 2 houses so he goes up to the first house and looks in the door way.

He sees an old lady yanking on her ***** and an old man jerking off.

He is so freaked out that he goes to the next house and says "What's up with your neighbors?" and the owner of the house says "Oh that's the Robinson's, they're both deaf. She's telling him to go milk the cow and he's telling her to go f**k herself!"

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Every penny counts...

As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time they have sex the husband puts his pocket change into a china piggy bank on the bedside table. One night while being unusually athletic, he accidentally

knocked the piggy bank onto the floor where it smashes.

To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there are handfuls of five and ten dollar bills. He asks his wife "What's up with all the notes?", to his wife which replies, "Well, not everyone is as cheap as you are."

......

steampunk c1

Two Irishmen flew to NZ on a hunting trip. They chartered a small plane to take them into the bush for a week hunting deer.
They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 deer.
The two lads objected strongly. “Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours.”
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains even on full power the little plane couldn’t handle the load and went down.
Somehow, surrounded by the deer bodies, only Paddy and Mick survived the crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, “Any idea where we are?”
Mick replied, “I think we’re pretty close to where we crashed last year.”

steampunk c1

In Strailya...


An Australian, a Kiwi and South African are in a bar one night having a beer.

All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass in the air pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces.. "In Seth Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice," he says.

The Kiwi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. "Wull mate, in Noo Zulland we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out the same glass either," he says.

The Australian, cool as a Koala, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and the Kiwi. He turns to the astonished barman and says," In Strailya mate, we have so many bloody South Africans and Kiwis that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."

steampunk c1

Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?"

Tom says: "I would switch one train to another track."

"What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector.

"Then I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there", answers Tom.

"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector.

"Then," Tom continued, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box."

"What if the phone was busy?"

"In that case," Tom argued, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station".

"What if that had been vandalized?"

"Oh well," said Tom, "in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo".

This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, "Why would you do that?"




"Because he's never seen a train crash."

steampunk c1

Garry had been asking the hottest girl in town for a date. One day she finally agreed to go out with him. Gaz took Jenny to a nice restaurant and bought her a fancy dinner with expensive wine.

On the way home, he pulled over to a nice lookout. They started kissing and he was getting pretty excited. He reached under her skirt, but Jenny stopped him, saying that she's a virgin and wanted to stay that way.

"Well, okay," Garry said. "How about a *******?" But Jenny screamed, "Yuck, I'm not putting that thing in my mouth"

"Well then, how about a hand job?" garry asked. Jenny told him, "I've never done that. What do I have to do?"

"Well remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?" Garry explained. Jenny nodded. "Well, it's just like that."

Then Garry pulled out his old fella and she grabbed hold of it and started shaking. A few seconds later, Garry’s head flopped back on the headrest, his eyes closed, snot started to run out of his nose, wax blew out of his ear and he screamed out in pain.

"What's wrong?" Jenny asked.

"Take your thumb off the end!"

steampunk c1

little old lady in her 80s slowly enters a sex shop. She shakily hobbles to the counter, grabs it for support and asks the sales clerk, "Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddildoss?" The clerk replies, "Yes, we do have ******." The old woman then asks, "Ddoo yyouu hhave aaa ppinkk one, 10 inchesss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss ththiiickkk?" The clerk reponds yes, "Yes we do." The old lady looks at him and says "Cccannn yyoouuu tttelll mmeee howww tttoo tturrrnn ttthe farkkkingg ttthingg offff?"

steampunk c1

A female dwarf goes to a doctor complaining of an itch in the groin area. The doctor looks her up and down, picks her up and stands her on his desk. He lifts up her skirt and puts his head under. A little perplexed, she hears snip, snip, snip. The doctor emerges from under her skirt and asks, "How's that?"
"Better, but it's still a bit itchy."
Undaunted, the doc dives back under her skirt. Snip, snip, snip. "Well how's that?" he asks again. "That's wonderful! What did you do?" the dwarf asks. I trimmed the top of your ugh boots."

steampunk c1

For his birthday, little Joe asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw little Joe leaving the house with a suitcase. He asked him where he was going.
Little Joe replied, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mum you were pulling out. Then she told you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike.

GEM '62

I Just Realized Something:
My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.
He has his food prepared for him.
His meals are provided at no cost to him.
He visits the Dr. once a year for his checkup and again during the year, if any medical needs arise.
For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him.
He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep.
If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.
He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.
He receives these accommodations absolutely free.
He is living like a king and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.
All of his costs are picked up by others who earn a living.
I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a ton of bricks ~
MY dog is a CONGRESSMAN!!!

GEM '62

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".

Railroadman

Constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious, dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $10,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside.

Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Costco Warehouse. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the premises.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared.

.. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . .

(You're going to hate me for this...)

'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ Costco

ricks327

Woman Shot in her own Driveway

Linda Burnett, 26, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and, while there, went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.

Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the windows rolled up and her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her
head.

When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head.

When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered.

Linda is a blonde, a Democrat, and an Obama supporter, but that could all be a coincidence.

The defective biscuit canister was analyzed and the expiration date was from 2008, so it was determined to be Bush's fault.

ricks327

An oldie but needs to be repeated for us "old folks".

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.

It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink".

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky *****, huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

ricks327

1955 copper

The Male Cycle finally explained.....

(1) When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big ****.

(2) When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big ****, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.

(3) In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I deided I needed a girl with stability.

(4) When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

(5) When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

(6) When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big ****.

Railroadman

Honorable Secretary of Agriculture
Washington D.C.

Dear Sir:

My friend, J. O. Peterson, over at Hennepin, Oklahoma, received a check for $1,000.00 from the government for not raising hogs. So I want to go into the "not raising hogs" business next year.

What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I would just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.

As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.

My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was $442.00 in 1968, until this year when he got your check for $1,000.00 for not raising hogs.

If I get $1,000.00 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2,000.00 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000.00 the first year. Then I can afford an airplane.

Now another thing. These hogs I will not be raising will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4,000 hogs I am not going to raise?

I want to get started as soon as possible as this seems to be a good time of the year not to raise hogs and grain.

Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me any information on that too.

In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps.

Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.


Patriotically yours,


Jean Partridge

P.S. Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more free cheese?

Railroadman

A drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his instrument. After some thought, he decides on the accordion.

So he goes to the music store and says to the owner, "I'd like to look at the accordions, please."

The owner gestures to a shelf in the corner and says "All our accordions are over there."

After browsing, the drummer says, "I think I'd like the big red one in the corner."

The store owner looks at him and says, "You're a drummer, aren't you?"

The drummer, crestfallen, says, "How did you know?"

The store owner says, "That `big red accordion' is the radiator."

Railroadman

A forest ranger is making rounds in a remote part of the wooded reserve when he comes across an unkempt man, sitting at a makeshift campfire. To the ranger's horror, the man is eating a fish and a bald eagle.

The ranger arrests the man and puts him jail. He is brought before a judge the next morning.

The Judge asked the man, "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?"

"Yes I do," replied the man, "but please let me explain what happened."

"You may proceed."

"I got lost in the woods, and hadn't had anything real to eat for two weeks," the man explained. "I was so hungry, I was eating plants to stay alive."

"Then one day, I arrive at a lake. I see a Bald Eagle swooping down to the water and flying away with a fish in its talons. I thought, 'if I startled the Eagle, maybe I could steal the fish.'"

"Low and behold, the eagle lighted upon a nearby tree stump to eat the fish. So, I picked up a rock and threw it. I meant to hit the stump and startle the bird. I hoped he would drop the fish and fly away."

"Unfortunately, in my weakened condition, my aim was off. The rock hit the eagle squarely on his poor little head, and killed it. I agonized over what had happened, but I figured that since it was dead I might as well eat it."

The judge says he will take a recess to analyze the defendant's statement. 15 minutes pass, and the judge returns.

"Due to the extreme circumstances, and because you did not intend to kill the eagle, the court will dismiss the charges." The Judge then leans over the bench and whispers, "If you don't mind my asking, what does a bald eagle taste like?"

"Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best way I can describe it is that its much more tender than a California Condor, but the meat is bland compared to a Spotted Owl."