Kerrmudgeon

Not much in the "in box" this week, so I'll leave it up to you funny guys this week, and maybe add some if they come in. :
________________________________________ ________


The Budweiser rating system

These three guys are in a bar, having a few beers, and checking out the babes as they enter the establishment. One walks in, rather attractive, and they "discuss" her "rating," which is on a 1 to 10 scale.

One says, "I'd give her a 7. She's really quite pretty." Another agrees, and so does the third.

The bartender, while bringing a new round of drinks to their table, overhears their rating of the young lass. He checks her out himself and says, "Nah, I'd only give her a 3."

"A 3? How can you give her a 3?" says one of the three guys at the table. "She's a real pretty girl." The bartender, walking away, says, "Well, I use the Budweiser method for rating women."

The guys look at each other, figure the bartender has lousy taste in women, and go back to their ratings. Moments later, another young lady, prettier than the last, walks into the bar, and they confer between themselves and decide she deserves a 9.

However, the bartender, wiping off the table nearest to theirs, again overhears their rating of the gal. He checks her out himself and tells the fellows that he'd only give her a 5.

"A 5? How can you give her just a 5? She's absolutely gorgeous!"

The bartender casually replies that he uses the Budweiser method for rating women.

"The Budweiser method?" they puzzle, as the bartender returns to his post behind the bar. They are quite confused.

Three, maybe four minutes pass by, and then a stunning blonde, 5'11" goddess walks into the bar. Long luscious legs, sexy shape. Truly a work of flawless perfection. Without hesitation, the three "judges" at the table determine that this young sultress is, without any doubt, a 10.

However, carrying a case of beer pass them to restock the supply behind the bar, the bartender once more overhears their rating of the girl. He glances studiously at her, and says that the best, the very best that he could give her, would be a 7.

"A 7? How in the world could you give her just a mere 7? She's gorgeous!"

"Well," says the bartender again, "I use the Budweiser method for rating women."

"Budweiser!" says one of the guys, exasperated. "What in the Hell is this 'Budweiser method' for rating women?"

"Well, says the bartender, "the Budweiser method for rating women, is the number of Clydesdales it would take to pull me off her."

__________________________

Kerrmudgeon

From Bill Schmit.....


Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce.Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress,And I'm wearing it,she replied..Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ''Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.''

A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ''Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another Occasion where you could wear it."Her mother just smiled and replied, ''Of course I do, dear...I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night BEFORE the wedding.'' (NOW I ASK YOU - IS THERE A WOMAN OUT THERE, ANYWHERE, WHO WOULDN'T ENJOY THIS STORY?)

________________________


Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often. But push the wrong button and your *** is disconnected!


Women are Angels. And when someone breaks our wings...We simply continue to fly ... on a broomstick... We are flexible like that.


The innocence of a child is wonderful....

Prayer for Grandpa....

Dear God,
Please send clothes for all those poor ladies on grandpa's computer.
Amen.



Irish Job Interview

Murphy applied for a fork lift operator job at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin.
A Polish guy applied for the same job, and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager.
When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.
The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you both for coming to the interview, but after we've looked closely at the results, we've decided to give the Polish man the job."
Murphy, "And why in the **** would you be doing dat? We both got 19 questions roite. And this being Ireland, and me being Irish, surely I should get the job."
Manager, " We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong."
Murphy, "Tell me now, how could one incorrect answer be better than another?"
Manager, "Simple. On question number 7, the Pole wrote down, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I'."

_________________________

davidf59

I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth. Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.

The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows! He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him ............ but they kind of taste like peppermint.

red65Michigan

Why Athletes Can't Have Regular Jobs... but they do marry and reproduce.

The danger of having sports role models for
kids...

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role
model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to
me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."

2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked
about the upcoming season:
"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes
first."

3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say:
"I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,"
Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over
Joe's Mom, too."

4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his
coach, John Jenkins:
"He treat us like mens. He let us wear earrings."

5. Football commentator and former player Joe
Theismann:
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is
a guy like Norman Einstein."

6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh:
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it
takes.."
(Now that is beautiful)

7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:
"You guys line up alphabetically by height."
And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line
up in a circle."

8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to
prison:
"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He
went to prison for three years, not Princeton!"

9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing,
explaining why he keeps a colour photo of himself above
his locker:
"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still
find my clothes."

10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan
training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota:
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning,
regardless of what time it is."

11. Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player,
explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared
nervous at practice:
"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm
going to be an uncle or an aunt. (I wonder if his I.Q. ever
hit room temperature in January)

12. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former
player:
"I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or
apathy?'
He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.''

13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M,
recounting what he told a player who received four F's and
one D:
"Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on
one subject."

14. In the words of N.C. State great Charles Shackelford:
"I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious."

Ah, but they ride to the bank in a Mercedes...

azmusclecar

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute.. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner."
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

Curvette1

High School Biology Test

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.
The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.

2) It provides immunity against several diseases.

3) It is always the right temperature.

4) It is inexpensive.

5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.

6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.

He got an A.

Railroadman

Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can’t think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on

Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad

Railroadman

Three women were sitting around, bragging about their children.

The first one says, “You know, my son, he graduated first in his class from Stanford. He’s now a doctor, making $250,000 a year in Chicago.”

The second woman says, “You know my son, he graduated first in his class from Harvard. He’s now a lawyer, making half a million dollars a year and he lives in Los Angeles.”

The last woman says, “You know my son, he never did too well is school. He never went to any university, but he now makes one million dollars a year in New York working as a sports repairman.”

The other two women ask, “What is a sports repairman?”

The woman then replies, “I'm not sure exactly, all I know is he fixes games. You know, hockey games, football games, baseball games …”

Railroadman

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a saloon and sat down to drink a Beer.

After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and replied, "I do. Why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said,"I just thought you should know that your horse is about dead outside!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion.

The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."

Tonto said, sure, Kemosabe and took off running circles around Silver.

Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the saloon to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands again and exclaims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"

The cowboy looks him in the eye and says,



"Nothing, but you left your injun runnin."

Railroadman

I was having a bad day on the golf course. Suddenly, a frog appeared and said, "Six iron." I grabbed my six iron and laid the ball on the green three feet from the hole.

As I got ready to putt, the frog said, "A little to the right." "Plunk," into the hole it went.

The frog followed me around the course continuing to advise me and I shot the best score of my entire life. When we got back to the clubhouse I said to the frog, "You have done me a great favor. What can I do for you in return?"

He said, "Las Vegas." So I put him in my pocket and hopped a plane to Las Vegas. When we arrived the frog said "Harold's Club," so I went there. The frog then said "Roulette." As I walked up to the table the frog instructed, "A hundred on black." Of course, black hit.

It went on like that for the rest of the evening until I had won more chips than I could carry. I cashed them in and rented an expensive hotel suite. As I was getting undressed for bed I said to the frog, " What can I do to thank you?"

The frog said, "Kiss me."

I kissed him, and he turned into this beautiful fifteen year old girl. And that's how she got into my room, Your Honor.

Railroadman

TOP 10 REASONS FOR A WOMAN TO GO TO WORK NAKED


1 - No one will ever steal your chair.

2 - Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

3 - Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

4 - People won't steal your pens after they see where you keep them.

5 - You get to see if it's like your dreams.

6 - It stops those creepy programmer guys from looking down your blouse.

7 - "I'd love to contribute but I left my wallet in my pants."

8 - It's an inventive way to finally meet that 'special' person in HR.

9 - You can take advantage of your computer's radiation to work on your tan.

10 - And now ... drum roll ... the Number One reason to go to work naked :

Your boss will never again say, "I wanna see your *** in here by 8:00!"

Railroadman

And one more:

A boy is helping clean out his Great-Grandfathers garage when he sees a large rusted and bent metal cover atop a water-stained glass case.

Just as he's about to throw out the cover, Great-Grandad stops him, and begins singing: "This is the Awning of my Ancient Aquarium"

Puns - Never explain, never apologize

sprta

A man was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Hillary Clinton. That evening, the man brought Hillary to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again.

He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Hillary and told her he hadn't had sex for months. Hillary batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

He said, 'Take the dog for a walk.'

out2kayak

Did I read that sign right?:

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a laundromat:

AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:

BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

On a job site:

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:

AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:

CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park: (I sure hope so)

ELEPHANTS, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:

FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:

IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Really? Ya think?

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Now that's taking things a bit far!

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

What a brave guy!

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

See if that works any better than a fair trial!

War Dims Hope for Peace

I can see where it might have that effect!

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Ya think?!

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Who would have thought!

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police suspect Homicide

They may be on to something!

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

He probably IS the battery charge!

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Weren't they fat enough?!

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

That's what he gets for eating those beans!

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Do they taste like chicken?

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Boy, are they tall!

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead



-- Joe

JayWay

A young lady walks into tiffany's. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.


As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a salesperson was not anywhere near.


As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her ... Good looking as well.


Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like tiffany's. He politely greets the lady with, 'good day, madam. How may we help you today???


Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet??

He answers, "madam, if you farted just looking at it ... You're going to **** when i tell you the price!

Kerrmudgeon

This just in from a married friend who.....shall remain nameless!


That is the happiest fairy tale I have ever heard. It is now my favorite fairy tale! I hope you tell it to all your grandchildren Talk abut a Fairy Tale !!! 100%


Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?"

The Princess immediately said, "No!"

And the Prince lived happily ever after..., and rode motorcycles and dated thin, long-legged, full-breasted women, and hunted and fished and raced cars, and went to bars and dated ladies half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan, and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony, and dated cheerleaders and kept his house and guns, and ate spam and potato chips and beans, and blew enormous farts, and never got cheated on while he was at work, and all his friends and family thought he was friggin cool as hell, and he had tons of money in the bank, and left the toilet seat up.

The End.

Kerrmudgeon

Two Irish Nuns.....

Two Irish nuns were sitting at traffic light in their car when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulls up alongside of them. "Hey, show us your ****, ye bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
The Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculata, "I don't think they know who we are - show them your cross."
So Sister Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Screw off ye little fookin *******, before I come over there and rip yer ***** off!"
Sister Immaculata looks back at the Mother Superior and asks, "Was that cross enough?"

JayWay

A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if
she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.

The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman
filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said:

"Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the
back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."

So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked:

"Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department ... very generously indeed.

The girl finished her bath and went to bed.

Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often
enough before."

"I know," he said, "but the dart team hadn't!"

Kerrmudgeon

Sheet musics for the "50 shades of Grey" novel....

out2kayak

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long robe. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror -- make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc. Get in the shower. Use wash cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone...Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Rinse off. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long robe and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake genitalia at her making the woo-woo sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your genitals and scratch your butt. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off. Fail to notice the water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time. Admire genital size in mirror again. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, and light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake genital at her and make the woo-woo sound again. Throw wet towel on bed.



-- Joe