***FRIDAY FUNNIES***....all weekend long!
08-16-2013, 07:19 AM
#1
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***FRIDAY FUNNIES***....all weekend long!
Missed it last week, even Kerrmudgeons need a holiday!
Mental Health Day!
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your action displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?'
My trip to the Dollar store
I needed cat food for my cat, so I stopped in a local dollar store. I took the cans to the register, but the cashier refused to sell it to me. "I'm sorry but we have customers eating cat food so we need prove that it isn't for you." So I went home, got my cat, went back to the store, and they sold me the cat food.
A few days later I realized I needed dog food, so I stopped in the same store. Again they refused. "I'm sorry but we have customers eating dog food so we need prove that it isn't for you." Damn. Drive home, get the dog, back to the store where they sell me the dog food.
The next time I went, I took in a box with a hole in the top. I asked the cashier to reach in. "Is this a trick? Will something bite me?" she asked. I told her it was safe. She reached in, and quickly pulled out her fingers with something brown on them. She smelled them and said "This smells like ****!"
I told her "It is. I need toilet paper."
THE ORIGIN OF PROFILING...
The day it all started was March 6, 1836.
On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and rose
from his bunk on the main floor of the Alamo , and
walked up to the observation post along the west wall
of the fort.
William B. Travis was already there, looking out over
the top of the wall.
James Bowie was sick in bed, but he was looking out
the window.
These three great men gazed at the hordes of
Mexicans moving towards the Alamo .
With a puzzled look on his face, Crockett turned to
Travis and said, "Jim, are we, by any chance, having
any landscaping done today?"
Goose Hunting with Ole.....
Ole was hunting geese up in the Minnesota woods. He leaned the old 16 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak. As luck would have it, his foolish dog knocked the gun over, it went off and Ole took most of an ounce of #4 in the groin.
Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to.... and there was his doctor, Sven.
"Vell Ole, I got some good news and some bad news. Da good news is dat you are going to be OK. Da damage vas
local to your groin, dere was very little internal damage, and I vas able to remove all of da buckshot."
"What's the bad news?", asks Ole.
"The bad news is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena ."
"Well, I guess that isn't too bad,"
says Ole. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
"Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in da Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you vhere to put your fingers, so you don't pizz in your eye."
Mental Health Day!
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your action displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?'
My trip to the Dollar store
I needed cat food for my cat, so I stopped in a local dollar store. I took the cans to the register, but the cashier refused to sell it to me. "I'm sorry but we have customers eating cat food so we need prove that it isn't for you." So I went home, got my cat, went back to the store, and they sold me the cat food.
A few days later I realized I needed dog food, so I stopped in the same store. Again they refused. "I'm sorry but we have customers eating dog food so we need prove that it isn't for you." Damn. Drive home, get the dog, back to the store where they sell me the dog food.
The next time I went, I took in a box with a hole in the top. I asked the cashier to reach in. "Is this a trick? Will something bite me?" she asked. I told her it was safe. She reached in, and quickly pulled out her fingers with something brown on them. She smelled them and said "This smells like ****!"
I told her "It is. I need toilet paper."
THE ORIGIN OF PROFILING...
The day it all started was March 6, 1836.
On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and rose
from his bunk on the main floor of the Alamo , and
walked up to the observation post along the west wall
of the fort.
William B. Travis was already there, looking out over
the top of the wall.
James Bowie was sick in bed, but he was looking out
the window.
These three great men gazed at the hordes of
Mexicans moving towards the Alamo .
With a puzzled look on his face, Crockett turned to
Travis and said, "Jim, are we, by any chance, having
any landscaping done today?"
Goose Hunting with Ole.....
Ole was hunting geese up in the Minnesota woods. He leaned the old 16 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak. As luck would have it, his foolish dog knocked the gun over, it went off and Ole took most of an ounce of #4 in the groin.
Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to.... and there was his doctor, Sven.
"Vell Ole, I got some good news and some bad news. Da good news is dat you are going to be OK. Da damage vas
local to your groin, dere was very little internal damage, and I vas able to remove all of da buckshot."
"What's the bad news?", asks Ole.
"The bad news is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena ."
"Well, I guess that isn't too bad,"
says Ole. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
"Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in da Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you vhere to put your fingers, so you don't pizz in your eye."
Last edited by Kerrmudgeon; 08-16-2013 at 07:25 AM.
08-16-2013, 07:26 AM
#2
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Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates...
... when two guys wearing dark hoodies and sagging pants arrive.
He looked out through the Gates and said, "Wait here. I’ll be right back."
St. Peter goes over to God's chambers and tells him who is waiting for entrance.
God says to St. Peter: "How many times do I have to tell you? You can't be judgmental here. This is heaven. All are loved. All are brothers. Go back and let them in!"
St. Peter goes back to the Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh. He returns to God's chambers and says, “Well, they're gone."
“The guys wearing hoodies?" asked God.
"No....
... The Pearly Gates."
A Zebra dies...
and arrives at the Pearly Gates. As he enters, he asks St. Peter, 'I have a question that's haunted me all of my days on earth. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?'
St. Peter said, 'That's a question only God can answer.'
So the zebra went off in search of God.
When he found Him, the zebra asked, 'God, please - I must know. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?'
God simply replied 'You are what you are.'
The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him, 'Well, did God straighten out your query for you?'
The zebra looked puzzled. 'No sir, God simply said 'You are what you are.''
St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, 'Well then, there you are. You are white with black stripes.'
The zebra asked St. Peter, 'How do you know that for certain?'
'Because,' said St. Peter, 'If you were black with white stripes, God would have said, 'You is what you is.'
On the Refrigerator One Morning :
My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset----I shall be home before midnight.
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 57 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 57 years old. As you know, I am a math
teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small
difference - 18 goes into 57 a lot more times than 57 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
... when two guys wearing dark hoodies and sagging pants arrive.
He looked out through the Gates and said, "Wait here. I’ll be right back."
St. Peter goes over to God's chambers and tells him who is waiting for entrance.
God says to St. Peter: "How many times do I have to tell you? You can't be judgmental here. This is heaven. All are loved. All are brothers. Go back and let them in!"
St. Peter goes back to the Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh. He returns to God's chambers and says, “Well, they're gone."
“The guys wearing hoodies?" asked God.
"No....
... The Pearly Gates."
A Zebra dies...
and arrives at the Pearly Gates. As he enters, he asks St. Peter, 'I have a question that's haunted me all of my days on earth. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?'
St. Peter said, 'That's a question only God can answer.'
So the zebra went off in search of God.
When he found Him, the zebra asked, 'God, please - I must know. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?'
God simply replied 'You are what you are.'
The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him, 'Well, did God straighten out your query for you?'
The zebra looked puzzled. 'No sir, God simply said 'You are what you are.''
St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, 'Well then, there you are. You are white with black stripes.'
The zebra asked St. Peter, 'How do you know that for certain?'
'Because,' said St. Peter, 'If you were black with white stripes, God would have said, 'You is what you is.'
On the Refrigerator One Morning :
My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset----I shall be home before midnight.
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 57 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 57 years old. As you know, I am a math
teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small
difference - 18 goes into 57 a lot more times than 57 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
Last edited by Kerrmudgeon; 08-16-2013 at 07:29 AM.
08-16-2013, 07:31 AM
#3
Le Mans Master
Falcon Nesting in a Tree, Awsome photo....
Nature is truly breath-taking!!
A FALCON NESTING IN A TREE
https://i.imgur.com/YW6Fufm.jpg
Nature is truly breath-taking!!
A FALCON NESTING IN A TREE
https://i.imgur.com/YW6Fufm.jpg
08-16-2013, 07:32 AM
#4
Race Director
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WELFARE CHEQUES...
A young man walked into the local welfare office to pick up his cheque. He
marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing
welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of
the system, getting something for nothing."
The social worker behind the counter said..."Your timing is excellent. We
just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur
and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in
his 2012 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."
"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected
to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather
awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment
to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a
rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullsh1ttin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well...You started it."
Blond putting oil in her car.......
It's sick, I know....
My, how dreams change....
A young man walked into the local welfare office to pick up his cheque. He
marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing
welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of
the system, getting something for nothing."
The social worker behind the counter said..."Your timing is excellent. We
just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur
and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in
his 2012 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."
"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected
to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather
awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment
to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a
rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullsh1ttin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well...You started it."
Blond putting oil in her car.......
It's sick, I know....
My, how dreams change....
Last edited by Kerrmudgeon; 08-16-2013 at 07:41 AM.
08-16-2013, 07:38 AM
#5
Burning Brakes
Australian Love Poem
Of course I love ya darlin
You're a bloody top-notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word
So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin' there to grab
So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there
No Sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best
I'm tellin' ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think it’s very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs
I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get
No matter what u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the cricket’s on
And fetch another beer
Of course I love ya darlin
You're a bloody top-notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word
So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin' there to grab
So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there
No Sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best
I'm tellin' ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think it’s very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs
I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get
No matter what u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the cricket’s on
And fetch another beer
08-16-2013, 07:39 AM
#6
Burning Brakes
The Black Bra (as told by a woman)
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door
Wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.. Here's how it all went.
My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.
The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said, (You'll love this)
"What's for dinner, Zorro?"
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door
Wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.. Here's how it all went.
My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.
The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said, (You'll love this)
"What's for dinner, Zorro?"
08-16-2013, 07:40 AM
#7
Burning Brakes
Woman Sues, Lack Of Sex Drive
A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a woman, Anne Maynard, has sued St Luke’s hospital, saying that after her husband was treated there recently, he had lost all interest in sex.
A hospital spokesman replied, "Mr. Maynard was actually admitted in Ophthalmology - all we did was correct his eyesight."
A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a woman, Anne Maynard, has sued St Luke’s hospital, saying that after her husband was treated there recently, he had lost all interest in sex.
A hospital spokesman replied, "Mr. Maynard was actually admitted in Ophthalmology - all we did was correct his eyesight."
08-16-2013, 07:41 AM
#8
Burning Brakes
Subject: FW: THE MAGICIAN & THE CAPTAINS PARROT
A magician worked on a cruise ship.
The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem:
The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, It’s not the same hat!" or,
"Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's' parrot.
Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.
The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... With the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said....
"OK, I give up. Where's the f-----n' ship?"
A magician worked on a cruise ship.
The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem:
The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, It’s not the same hat!" or,
"Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's' parrot.
Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.
The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... With the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said....
"OK, I give up. Where's the f-----n' ship?"
08-16-2013, 07:45 AM
#9
Race Director
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Where white men went wrong.....
08-16-2013, 07:46 AM
#10
Burning Brakes
A farmer in Yorkshire sees a man drinking from his stream, so he shouts ,
“Ey up cocker, tha dunt wanna be drinkin watta frum theer, its full o hoss **** an cow ***** an it could kill thee”
The man says: "Excuse me Sir, I am a muslim from Pakistan , can you be speaking clearer and slower please”
The farmer replies: " if....you.... Use.... Two ....Hands....... You....Wont..... Spill ....Any
“Ey up cocker, tha dunt wanna be drinkin watta frum theer, its full o hoss **** an cow ***** an it could kill thee”
The man says: "Excuse me Sir, I am a muslim from Pakistan , can you be speaking clearer and slower please”
The farmer replies: " if....you.... Use.... Two ....Hands....... You....Wont..... Spill ....Any
08-16-2013, 07:48 AM
#11
Race Director
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A few funnies...
I'd just come out of the shop with a roast beef sandwich, a bag of fries, and an ear of corn. A homeless man sitting by the door said, 'I haven't eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'
A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunchtime. She said, "Sorry about the wait." I said, "Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually."
Years ago we were told that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But
since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works even better.
Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.
I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when I could
look at an unattended bag at a train station or airport and think to myself, "I'm going to take that."
I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were NOT the correct answers.
I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.
Safe to Kiss circa 1916....
I'd just come out of the shop with a roast beef sandwich, a bag of fries, and an ear of corn. A homeless man sitting by the door said, 'I haven't eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'
A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunchtime. She said, "Sorry about the wait." I said, "Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually."
Years ago we were told that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But
since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works even better.
Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.
I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when I could
look at an unattended bag at a train station or airport and think to myself, "I'm going to take that."
I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were NOT the correct answers.
I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.
Safe to Kiss circa 1916....
Last edited by Kerrmudgeon; 08-16-2013 at 07:51 AM.
08-16-2013, 07:49 AM
#12
Burning Brakes
An Aussie bloke walks into a bar with a pet crocodile by his side.
He puts the crocodile up on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons.
'I'll make you a deal.
I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside.
Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute.
'Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this spectacle,
each of you will buy me a drink.'
The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers,
and placed his appendage and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.
The croc closed his mouth and the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the Crocodile hard on the top of its head.
The croc opened his mouth
And the man removed his genitals unscathed.
The crowd cheered, and his free drinks were delivered.
He then made another offer.
'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'
A hush fell over the crowd.
After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
A Blonde woman timidly spoke up.......... 'I'll try it -
Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!'
He puts the crocodile up on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons.
'I'll make you a deal.
I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside.
Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute.
'Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this spectacle,
each of you will buy me a drink.'
The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers,
and placed his appendage and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.
The croc closed his mouth and the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the Crocodile hard on the top of its head.
The croc opened his mouth
And the man removed his genitals unscathed.
The crowd cheered, and his free drinks were delivered.
He then made another offer.
'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'
A hush fell over the crowd.
After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
A Blonde woman timidly spoke up.......... 'I'll try it -
Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!'
08-16-2013, 07:50 AM
#13
Burning Brakes
The Italians! One for the Road
Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them "It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro."
"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.
"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.
"Quattro is just ze name of ze fokken automobile" the German says unbelievingly. "Look at ze dam papers: ze car is designed to karry 5 persons"
"You canta pulla thata one on me!" replies the Italian customs officer. "Quattro meansa four. You have five-a people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking tha law."
The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over. I vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence!"
"Sorry" responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come. He'sa busy witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno.
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Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them "It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro."
"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.
"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.
"Quattro is just ze name of ze fokken automobile" the German says unbelievingly. "Look at ze dam papers: ze car is designed to karry 5 persons"
"You canta pulla thata one on me!" replies the Italian customs officer. "Quattro meansa four. You have five-a people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking tha law."
The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over. I vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence!"
"Sorry" responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come. He'sa busy witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno.
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08-16-2013, 07:52 AM
#14
Burning Brakes
A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, 'Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven ?'
The guy replies, 'I'm Jack, retired airline pilot from Houston ..'
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, 'Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.' The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next, it 's the priest 's turn. He stands erect and booms out, 'I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary 's for the last 43 years. '
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, 'Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.'
' Just a minute,' says the good father. 'That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?'
'Up here - we go by results,' says Saint Peter. 'When you preached - people slept. When he flew, people prayed.'
Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, 'Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven ?'
The guy replies, 'I'm Jack, retired airline pilot from Houston ..'
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, 'Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.' The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next, it 's the priest 's turn. He stands erect and booms out, 'I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary 's for the last 43 years. '
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, 'Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.'
' Just a minute,' says the good father. 'That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?'
'Up here - we go by results,' says Saint Peter. 'When you preached - people slept. When he flew, people prayed.'
08-16-2013, 07:52 AM
#15
Race Director
Thread Starter
Member Since: Mar 2009
Location: Canada's capital
Posts: 19,777
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2,157 Posts
2020 Corvette of the Year Finalist (appearance mods)
C1 of Year Finalist (appearance mods) 2019
What time is it Dear???
08-16-2013, 07:53 AM
#16
Burning Brakes
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, 'Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?' The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
'Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?'
The little boy nodded 'yes'.
'So,' the coach continued, 'I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head, ******** or *******. Do you understand all that? '
The little boy nodded 'yes' again.
He continued, 'And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play too, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach "a dumb *** or ********" is it?'
The little boy shook his head 'NO'.
'GOOD', said the coach .. . . 'Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother!'
'Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?'
The little boy nodded 'yes'.
'So,' the coach continued, 'I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head, ******** or *******. Do you understand all that? '
The little boy nodded 'yes' again.
He continued, 'And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play too, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach "a dumb *** or ********" is it?'
The little boy shook his head 'NO'.
'GOOD', said the coach .. . . 'Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother!'
08-16-2013, 07:54 AM
#17
Burning Brakes
A Scotsman's Chilli
A hungry bloke walks into a seedy cafe in Glasgow......
He sits at the counter and notices a Jock with his arms folded staring
blankly at a bowl of chilli.
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the
hungry bloke bravely asks,
"If you aren't going to eat that, mind if I do?"
The old Jock slowly turns his head toward the young bloke and
says,
"Nah, ye can gae ahead."
Eagerly, the young bloke reaches
over and slides the bowl over to his place
and starts spooning it in with delight.
He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in
the chilli.
The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chilli
back into the bowl.
The old Jock says:- "Aye, that's as far as I got too".
A hungry bloke walks into a seedy cafe in Glasgow......
He sits at the counter and notices a Jock with his arms folded staring
blankly at a bowl of chilli.
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the
hungry bloke bravely asks,
"If you aren't going to eat that, mind if I do?"
The old Jock slowly turns his head toward the young bloke and
says,
"Nah, ye can gae ahead."
Eagerly, the young bloke reaches
over and slides the bowl over to his place
and starts spooning it in with delight.
He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in
the chilli.
The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chilli
back into the bowl.
The old Jock says:- "Aye, that's as far as I got too".
08-16-2013, 07:57 AM
#18
Burning Brakes
IT’S HELL GETTING OLD...
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man
Walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.
One student said to his friend:
"I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome.
Those people walk just like that."
The other student says:
"No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome.
He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him
And one of the students said to him,
"We're medical students and couldn't help
But notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have.
Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said,
"I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."
The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong.."
The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"
The old man said,
"I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man
Walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.
One student said to his friend:
"I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome.
Those people walk just like that."
The other student says:
"No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome.
He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him
And one of the students said to him,
"We're medical students and couldn't help
But notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have.
Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said,
"I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."
The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong.."
The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"
The old man said,
"I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"
08-16-2013, 07:59 AM
#19
Burning Brakes
The cow, the ant and the old fart
The Cow, the Ant and the Old Fart
A cow, an ant and an old fart are debating on who is
the greatest of the three of them.
· The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!"
· The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own
weight and that's why I am the greatest!"
Why are you scrolling down?
It's your turn to say something.
The Cow, the Ant and the Old Fart
A cow, an ant and an old fart are debating on who is
the greatest of the three of them.
· The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!"
· The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own
weight and that's why I am the greatest!"
Why are you scrolling down?
It's your turn to say something.
08-16-2013, 08:03 AM
#20
Racer
Socially Unacceptable Humor
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest ***** she had ever laid her hands on. I said, "You're pulling my leg."
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I should change dentists?
A wife says to her husband, "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back." He says, "What do you expect? You're in a wheel chair."
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening."
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.
At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I lost by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently the correct answer was Africa! Who knew?
One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing commonly found in cells. It appears that Mexicans is not the correct answer either.
There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some of the new bomber jackets.
A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a mustache."
Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the **** channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular ****, you sick bastard."
The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest ***** she had ever laid her hands on. I said, "You're pulling my leg."
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I should change dentists?
A wife says to her husband, "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back." He says, "What do you expect? You're in a wheel chair."
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening."
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.
At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I lost by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently the correct answer was Africa! Who knew?
One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing commonly found in cells. It appears that Mexicans is not the correct answer either.
There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some of the new bomber jackets.
A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a mustache."
Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the **** channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular ****, you sick bastard."
The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.