******friday funnies*******
03-15-2013, 08:14 AM
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******friday funnies*******
The pastor baptised Johnny and dipped his head in water 3 times. On the 3rd time he said: You are now baptised. You are a new creation the old creation is gone. No more drinking alcohol for you. Your new name is Jacob. Jacob went back home and headed straight for the fridge. He took a Heineken, dipped it in water 3 times and said: You are a new creation. The old one is gone. You are now called Orange Juice
Scene: New York City, man is going to jump off the building. Up rushes good Irish cop. Cop yells up to the man "Don't jump! Think of your father" Man replies "Haven't got a father; I'm going to jump."
The cop goes through a list of relatives, mother, brothers, sister, etc. Each time man says "haven't got one; going to jump."
Desperate the cop yells up "Don't jump! Think of the Blessed Virgin" Man replies "Who is that?" Cop yells "Jump, Protestant! You're blocking traffic!"
A pair of Irish ditch diggers were repairing some road damage directly across the street from a house of prostitution.
They witnessed a Protestant minister lurking about, then duck into the house. "Would ye look at that, Darby!" said Pat. "What a shameful disgrace, those Protestant reverends sinning in a house the likes of that place!" They both shook their heads and continued working.
A short time later they watched as a Rabbi looked around cautiously and then darted into the house when he was satisfied no one was looking. "Did ya see that, Darby?" Pat asked in shock and disbelief, "Is nothing holy to those Jewish rabbis? I just can't understand what the world is coming to these days. A man of the cloth indulging himself in sins of the flesh. T'is a shame, I tell ya!" Not much later a third man, a Catholic priest, was seen lurking about the house, looking around to see if anyone was watching, then quietly sneaked in. "Oh no, Darby, look!" said Pat, removing his cap and crossing himself, "One of the poor girls musta died...."
The 98 year old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They gave her some warm milk from their cow to drink but she refused. Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. "Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die."
She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said, "Don't sell that cow.
How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, one to screw it in, the other to repent.
Hear about the guy that was half Jewish and half Catholic? He brought his lawyer with him to confession.
What's the name of the new Catholic sperm bank? "Kingdom Come.
On the first day of their Honeymoon, the very naive blond virgin bride slipped into a sexy but sweet nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch. When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "Because it's Lent." Almost in tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! To whom did you lend it, and for how long?"
Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They thought it was because they weren't baptized. So they went to the nearest church. Only the custodian was there.
One said, "We've got to be baptized cause no one will play with us. Will you baptize us?" So the custodian took them in the bathroom and dunked them in the toilet bowl one at a time. He said, "Now go out and play." When they got outside dripping wet the oldest one asked, "What religion are we? We're not catholic cause they pour the water on you and we're not Baptist cause they dunk your whole body."
The littlest one said, "I smelled that water and I know what we are. We're Pisscopalians.
A four year old Catholic boy was playing with a four year old Protestant girl in a children's pool in the backyard. They splashed each other, got very wet and decided to take their wet clothes off.
The little boy looked at the little girl and said, "Golly, I didn't know there was that much difference between Catholics and Protestants."
Brigid had been a devout Catholic so it was a surprise to everybody when she married out of the church. But although married to a Presbyterian she always attended mass. One Sunday morning she rose as usual and began to dress. She was conscious of her husband watching her as she slipped out of her nightie, pulled on her stockings, and hooked up her bra. She even noticed the bedsheet rising just below his navel. She took off her bra, her stockings and pants and climbed back into bed. "I thought you were going to church," he said.
"The Catholic Church will stand forever," she said, "but how long can you trust a Presbyterian *****?"
Years ago, the chaplain of the football team at Notre Dame was a beloved old Irish priest. At confession one day, a football player told the priest that he had acted in an unsportsman-like manner at a recent football game. "I lost my temper and said some bad words to one of my opponents." "Ahhh, that's a terrible thing for a Notre Dame lad to be doin'," the priest said. He took a piece of chalk and drew a mark across the sleeve of his coat. "That's not all, Father. I got mad and punched one of my opponents." "Saints preserve us!" the priest said, making another chalk mark. "There's more. As I got out of a pileup, I kicked two of the other team's players in the in a sensitive area." "Oh, goodness me!" the priest wailed, making two more chalk marks on his sleeve. "Who in the world were we playin' when you did these awful things?" "Southern Methodist." "Ah, well," said the priest, wiping his sleeve, "boys will be boys."
A Baptist minister, a Rabbi, and a Roman Catholic priest were in some sort of ecumenical gathering. As they were seated at the same conference table, their discussion got around to problems in their congregations.
All three of them had problems with bats in the belfry. The Baptist minister admitted that he actually crawled up there and shot them. But, then he had holes in the roof and had to have that repaired. The Rabbi said that he set traps for the bats but they still came back.
The Roman Catholic priest said that he baptized the bats, then confirmed them and he hasn't seen them since.
Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering. The priest informs her that she cannot enter without it. A few moments later, the lady re-appears wearing her blouse tied to her head. The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without your wearing a blouse."
"But Father, I have a divine right," she informs.
"Yes, I see. And your left one isn't bad either, but you still must wear a blouse to enter *this* church!" he insists.
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box." The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!" The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times." The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice." The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?" The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
A Priest and a Rabbi are walking down the street. They see a young boy approaching. The Priest says, “Hey, let’s screw him.” The Rabbi says, “Out of what?”
What is the difference between acne and a catholic priest? Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12
A boy finished cutting the lawn of a priest... the grass was very thick and long, and it took the boy about 4 hours to cut. He approached the Father for payment and the priest paid him $1.00.The boy said "Thank you, virgin Father!" The priest replied, "What did you say?" The boy repeated, "Thank you, virgin Father!" The priest asked him, "Do you know what that means?" The boy replied, "Yes... . tight ***!"
A young priest, who is still unsure of the penance to dole out during confession, asks an older priest what he should give a **********." Oh," says the older priest, "give the altar boy a dollar or so, if you feel like it. Personally, I never give them more than fifty cents."
Q. What do a priest and a Christmas tree have in common? A. They both have ***** just for decoration.
One day a priest went into a public bathroom to use the stall. While he was on the toilet, he heard moaning coming from the stall next to him. He stood up to look over, and there was little Jimmy, sitting on the toilet masturbating. The priest was shocked. He told Jimmy that he knew what he was doing in there and that he should save it for marriage. Little Jimmy agreed to this only because it was coming from a priest. About a week later the priest ran into Jimmy at the mall and asked him how he was doing with his problem. Jimmy replied "Great father, I've saved a whole quart!"
A new priest was beginning in the Church confessional. His predecessor had given him a list of sins and their punishments. The door opened and a man entered. "Forgive me Father for I have sinned," he began. "I have stolen." The priest looked up stealing on the list and told him to say one Hail Mary. The next time the door opened, a woman walked in. "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I had oral sex with the window cleaner." The priest looked up oral sex on the list but couldn't find it. He opened his door and called out to the cleaning lady, "What does Father John give for a blow job?" "$12.50 if I take me teeth out."
A farmer goes to confession for the first time in twenty years and tells the priest he's been having sexual intercourse with a pig ever since his wife died. The priest asks him if he intends to continue doing it and whether the pig is a male or female." No! I'm not doing it anymore!" says the farmer. "And the pig is a female, of course. What the hell do you think I am -- a goddam queer?
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question. After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays." The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a minister who, after all, is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath! Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi, a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play." The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?" The Rabbi softly speaks, "My son, if sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."
Six people were on a plane. A doctor, a lawyer a priest and 3 children. The pilot comes on the radio and says the plane is going to crash, and there are only three parachutes. The doctor yells out, " Save the children" The lawyer yells out "**** THE CHILDREN!" The priest yells out " IS THERE TIME?"
The Priest of a small village was very fond of his flock of ten hens and a cockerel. He kept them in a hen house behind the parish, but one Saturday night, the cockerel was missing. The priest, suspecting fowl play decided to say something about it at church the next morning. At Mass, he asked the congregation, has anyone got a ****? To which all the men stood up. "No, no," he said, somewhat flustered, "that's not what I meant. "Has anybody SEEN a ****?" All the women stood up. "No, no," he said. "Thats not what I meant either. Has anyone seen a **** that doesn't belong to them." Half the women stood up. "No, no," He said, now thoroughly embarrassed "Perhaps I should rephrase the question: Has anybody here seen MY ****?" All the choirboys stood up.
This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates. He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book.
He's checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either.
Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Well, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that's what they were doing. There were about 50 of 'em torturing this chick.
Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me.
So I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"
St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, "Really? Wow, when did all this happen?" "Er.. about two minutes ago."
Scene: New York City, man is going to jump off the building. Up rushes good Irish cop. Cop yells up to the man "Don't jump! Think of your father" Man replies "Haven't got a father; I'm going to jump."
The cop goes through a list of relatives, mother, brothers, sister, etc. Each time man says "haven't got one; going to jump."
Desperate the cop yells up "Don't jump! Think of the Blessed Virgin" Man replies "Who is that?" Cop yells "Jump, Protestant! You're blocking traffic!"
A pair of Irish ditch diggers were repairing some road damage directly across the street from a house of prostitution.
They witnessed a Protestant minister lurking about, then duck into the house. "Would ye look at that, Darby!" said Pat. "What a shameful disgrace, those Protestant reverends sinning in a house the likes of that place!" They both shook their heads and continued working.
A short time later they watched as a Rabbi looked around cautiously and then darted into the house when he was satisfied no one was looking. "Did ya see that, Darby?" Pat asked in shock and disbelief, "Is nothing holy to those Jewish rabbis? I just can't understand what the world is coming to these days. A man of the cloth indulging himself in sins of the flesh. T'is a shame, I tell ya!" Not much later a third man, a Catholic priest, was seen lurking about the house, looking around to see if anyone was watching, then quietly sneaked in. "Oh no, Darby, look!" said Pat, removing his cap and crossing himself, "One of the poor girls musta died...."
The 98 year old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They gave her some warm milk from their cow to drink but she refused. Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. "Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die."
She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said, "Don't sell that cow.
How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, one to screw it in, the other to repent.
Hear about the guy that was half Jewish and half Catholic? He brought his lawyer with him to confession.
What's the name of the new Catholic sperm bank? "Kingdom Come.
On the first day of their Honeymoon, the very naive blond virgin bride slipped into a sexy but sweet nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch. When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "Because it's Lent." Almost in tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! To whom did you lend it, and for how long?"
Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They thought it was because they weren't baptized. So they went to the nearest church. Only the custodian was there.
One said, "We've got to be baptized cause no one will play with us. Will you baptize us?" So the custodian took them in the bathroom and dunked them in the toilet bowl one at a time. He said, "Now go out and play." When they got outside dripping wet the oldest one asked, "What religion are we? We're not catholic cause they pour the water on you and we're not Baptist cause they dunk your whole body."
The littlest one said, "I smelled that water and I know what we are. We're Pisscopalians.
A four year old Catholic boy was playing with a four year old Protestant girl in a children's pool in the backyard. They splashed each other, got very wet and decided to take their wet clothes off.
The little boy looked at the little girl and said, "Golly, I didn't know there was that much difference between Catholics and Protestants."
Brigid had been a devout Catholic so it was a surprise to everybody when she married out of the church. But although married to a Presbyterian she always attended mass. One Sunday morning she rose as usual and began to dress. She was conscious of her husband watching her as she slipped out of her nightie, pulled on her stockings, and hooked up her bra. She even noticed the bedsheet rising just below his navel. She took off her bra, her stockings and pants and climbed back into bed. "I thought you were going to church," he said.
"The Catholic Church will stand forever," she said, "but how long can you trust a Presbyterian *****?"
Years ago, the chaplain of the football team at Notre Dame was a beloved old Irish priest. At confession one day, a football player told the priest that he had acted in an unsportsman-like manner at a recent football game. "I lost my temper and said some bad words to one of my opponents." "Ahhh, that's a terrible thing for a Notre Dame lad to be doin'," the priest said. He took a piece of chalk and drew a mark across the sleeve of his coat. "That's not all, Father. I got mad and punched one of my opponents." "Saints preserve us!" the priest said, making another chalk mark. "There's more. As I got out of a pileup, I kicked two of the other team's players in the in a sensitive area." "Oh, goodness me!" the priest wailed, making two more chalk marks on his sleeve. "Who in the world were we playin' when you did these awful things?" "Southern Methodist." "Ah, well," said the priest, wiping his sleeve, "boys will be boys."
A Baptist minister, a Rabbi, and a Roman Catholic priest were in some sort of ecumenical gathering. As they were seated at the same conference table, their discussion got around to problems in their congregations.
All three of them had problems with bats in the belfry. The Baptist minister admitted that he actually crawled up there and shot them. But, then he had holes in the roof and had to have that repaired. The Rabbi said that he set traps for the bats but they still came back.
The Roman Catholic priest said that he baptized the bats, then confirmed them and he hasn't seen them since.
Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering. The priest informs her that she cannot enter without it. A few moments later, the lady re-appears wearing her blouse tied to her head. The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without your wearing a blouse."
"But Father, I have a divine right," she informs.
"Yes, I see. And your left one isn't bad either, but you still must wear a blouse to enter *this* church!" he insists.
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box." The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!" The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times." The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice." The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?" The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
A Priest and a Rabbi are walking down the street. They see a young boy approaching. The Priest says, “Hey, let’s screw him.” The Rabbi says, “Out of what?”
What is the difference between acne and a catholic priest? Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12
A boy finished cutting the lawn of a priest... the grass was very thick and long, and it took the boy about 4 hours to cut. He approached the Father for payment and the priest paid him $1.00.The boy said "Thank you, virgin Father!" The priest replied, "What did you say?" The boy repeated, "Thank you, virgin Father!" The priest asked him, "Do you know what that means?" The boy replied, "Yes... . tight ***!"
A young priest, who is still unsure of the penance to dole out during confession, asks an older priest what he should give a **********." Oh," says the older priest, "give the altar boy a dollar or so, if you feel like it. Personally, I never give them more than fifty cents."
Q. What do a priest and a Christmas tree have in common? A. They both have ***** just for decoration.
One day a priest went into a public bathroom to use the stall. While he was on the toilet, he heard moaning coming from the stall next to him. He stood up to look over, and there was little Jimmy, sitting on the toilet masturbating. The priest was shocked. He told Jimmy that he knew what he was doing in there and that he should save it for marriage. Little Jimmy agreed to this only because it was coming from a priest. About a week later the priest ran into Jimmy at the mall and asked him how he was doing with his problem. Jimmy replied "Great father, I've saved a whole quart!"
A new priest was beginning in the Church confessional. His predecessor had given him a list of sins and their punishments. The door opened and a man entered. "Forgive me Father for I have sinned," he began. "I have stolen." The priest looked up stealing on the list and told him to say one Hail Mary. The next time the door opened, a woman walked in. "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I had oral sex with the window cleaner." The priest looked up oral sex on the list but couldn't find it. He opened his door and called out to the cleaning lady, "What does Father John give for a blow job?" "$12.50 if I take me teeth out."
A farmer goes to confession for the first time in twenty years and tells the priest he's been having sexual intercourse with a pig ever since his wife died. The priest asks him if he intends to continue doing it and whether the pig is a male or female." No! I'm not doing it anymore!" says the farmer. "And the pig is a female, of course. What the hell do you think I am -- a goddam queer?
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question. After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays." The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a minister who, after all, is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath! Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi, a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play." The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?" The Rabbi softly speaks, "My son, if sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."
Six people were on a plane. A doctor, a lawyer a priest and 3 children. The pilot comes on the radio and says the plane is going to crash, and there are only three parachutes. The doctor yells out, " Save the children" The lawyer yells out "**** THE CHILDREN!" The priest yells out " IS THERE TIME?"
The Priest of a small village was very fond of his flock of ten hens and a cockerel. He kept them in a hen house behind the parish, but one Saturday night, the cockerel was missing. The priest, suspecting fowl play decided to say something about it at church the next morning. At Mass, he asked the congregation, has anyone got a ****? To which all the men stood up. "No, no," he said, somewhat flustered, "that's not what I meant. "Has anybody SEEN a ****?" All the women stood up. "No, no," he said. "Thats not what I meant either. Has anyone seen a **** that doesn't belong to them." Half the women stood up. "No, no," He said, now thoroughly embarrassed "Perhaps I should rephrase the question: Has anybody here seen MY ****?" All the choirboys stood up.
This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates. He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book.
He's checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either.
Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Well, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that's what they were doing. There were about 50 of 'em torturing this chick.
Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me.
So I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"
St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, "Really? Wow, when did all this happen?" "Er.. about two minutes ago."
03-15-2013, 08:49 AM
#2
Team Owner
Member Since: Aug 2008
Location: Rochester NY
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St. Jude Donor '09-'10-'11-'12-'13-'14-'15-'16-'17-'18-‘19-'20-'21-'22-'23-'24
A minister, a priest and a rabbi, longtime friends, were out in a boat for their annual fishing trip. At one point the minister stood up and said "I have FAITH!". With that he walked across the water to shore, barely getting his feet wet.
The priest stood up and said "I have FAITH!" and he, too, walked across the water to join the minister.
Not to be outdone, the rabbi stood up and said "I have FAITH!". He stepped out of the boat and ker-splash - he was swimming for shore.
Year after year they went for their fishing trip, and it went just like the previous year.
Finally one year as they were preparing to launch the boat, the priest leaned over to the minister and said "What do you think....Think it's time we show him where the rocks are?"
The priest stood up and said "I have FAITH!" and he, too, walked across the water to join the minister.
Not to be outdone, the rabbi stood up and said "I have FAITH!". He stepped out of the boat and ker-splash - he was swimming for shore.
Year after year they went for their fishing trip, and it went just like the previous year.
Finally one year as they were preparing to launch the boat, the priest leaned over to the minister and said "What do you think....Think it's time we show him where the rocks are?"
03-15-2013, 08:54 AM
#3
Team Owner
Member Since: Aug 2008
Location: Rochester NY
Posts: 31,359
Received 5,011 Likes
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2,530 Posts
St. Jude Donor '09-'10-'11-'12-'13-'14-'15-'16-'17-'18-‘19-'20-'21-'22-'23-'24
It was a terrible night, very cold, driving rain had been falling all day and was starting to turn to sleet. A drunk driver took a curve too fast, overturned his car and was thrown into a construction excavation.
A cop climbed down and checked on him, and said "Buddy, it does not look good, you're not going to make it. Is there anything we can do for you?
The man asked for a rabbi.
Soon a rabbi arrived, splashed through the puddles, climbed down into the muddy hole and went to the dying man. "What can I do for you?"
I need the Last Rites" the man groaned.
The rabbi blinked. "But...for that you need a priest, not a rabbi"
The drunk said, Naw, I couldn't ask a priest to come out on a night like this!"
A cop climbed down and checked on him, and said "Buddy, it does not look good, you're not going to make it. Is there anything we can do for you?
The man asked for a rabbi.
Soon a rabbi arrived, splashed through the puddles, climbed down into the muddy hole and went to the dying man. "What can I do for you?"
I need the Last Rites" the man groaned.
The rabbi blinked. "But...for that you need a priest, not a rabbi"
The drunk said, Naw, I couldn't ask a priest to come out on a night like this!"
03-15-2013, 08:55 AM
#4
Le Mans Master
NO Speak English
A German woman married an American gentleman born in Virginia and they lived happily ever after in his home town.
The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher counter and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.
On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...
he speaks english!!
what were you folks thinking?.......sometimes i really worry about you guys.....
A German woman married an American gentleman born in Virginia and they lived happily ever after in his home town.
The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher counter and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.
On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...
he speaks english!!
what were you folks thinking?.......sometimes i really worry about you guys.....