Kerrmudgeon

Kerrmudgeon

How to get your cat to come inside.......

Kerrmudgeon

Old married folks.....

An old man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there as a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, “When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”.
Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared.
To everyone’s relief he died of a heart attack when he was 98. His wife had a closed casket at his funeral. After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked “Aren’t you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?”.

The wife said “Let him dig. I had him buried upside down. And I know he won’t ask for directions.”

Kerrmudgeon

The top ten times through history when the "F" word was justified....

cor66vette

I thought this was a great practical joke.
If you haven't already seen it, check it out.

Railroadman

The Wednesday-night church service coincided with the last day of
hunting season.

Our pastor asked who had bagged a deer. No one raised a hand.

Puzzled, the pastor said, "I don't get it. Last Sunday many of
you said you were missing because of hunting season. I had the
whole congregation pray for your deer."

One hunter groaned, "Well, it worked. They're all safe."

Railroadman

Kerrmudgeon's post #20, about the 3 skinny-dippers in the old farmer's pond, recalls another story about that same old farmer.

One day he wandered down by his pond and there was a young lady just about to get into the water. She was stark naked, and her clothes had been hung on a tree quite a ways away.

Frightened, she looked around and saw a large old metal tub sitting in the weeds. She grabbed the tub and held it in front of her. Deciding the farmer had deliberately come to spy on her, her fright turned to anger.

"Do you know what I think....?" she demanded angrily.

The farmer nodded. "Yup. You THINK the bottom has not rusted out of that there tub yet!"

Railroadman

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out- "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"

Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin' my head in that hole!"

Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling,
"Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it ?!"

Railroadman

It's a beautiful, warm, spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting,
pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and a T- shirt.

The zoo is not very busy this morning. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of large,hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along.
She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.

"Now try lifting your dress up. Show your thighs and sort of fan it a him," he says. This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy, and now he's doing flips.

Then the husband grabs his wife, rips open the door to the cage,flings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut.

"Now, try telling HIM you have a headache."

ricks327

For College Football Fans:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gODZzSOelss&sns=em

Railroadman

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.

After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles."

"She did," he replied. "But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?"

out2kayak

Railroadman

A union shop foreman walks into a bar next door to the factory and is about to order a drink to celebrate Obama’s victory when he sees a guy close by wearing a Romney for President button and two beers in front of him. He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is a Republican. So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Republican."

Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Republican gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice. This infuriates the union official. The union captain once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

The union thug once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

The union guy asks the bartender, "What the hell is the matter with that Republican? I've ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the silly idiot does is smile and thanks me. Is he nuts?"

"Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."

ricks327

A Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a row boat rowing towards California. The Captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"
One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, "We are invading the United States of America!"

The entire crew of the destroyer double over in laughter. When the Captain is finally able to catch his breath, he gets back on the loud-hailer and asks, "Just the four of you?"

The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four. The rest are already there!"

Kerrmudgeon

It's still the weekend, right?

Talking clock

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. When they made it to the bedroom, they saw a big brass gong next to the bed.

"What's a big brass gong doing in your bedroom?" one of the guests asked.

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yup," replied the drunk.

"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.

"Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave it an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed,
"You azzhole, it's three o'clock in the morning!"

ricks327

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco/(Price Smart). Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.... He pours the sample into the slot and waits..

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Costco..."


That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results.. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results .

The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm.. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4.. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours... Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Costco!