Kerrmudgeon

Olie and Der Court.....

A Wisconsin farmer named Olie had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company, a Harley Westover Company.

In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot attorney questioned him thus:

'Didn't you say to the state trooper at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?"
Olie responded: 'vell, I'lla tell you vat happened dere. I'd yust loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Olie said, 'vell, I'd yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas drivin' down da road.... '

The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Olie’s answer and said to the attorney: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie'.

Olie said: 'Tank you' and proceeded. 'vell as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road vin dis huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit my trailer right in da side by golly. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder ditch.

By yimminy yahosaphat I vas hurt, purty durn bad, and didn't want to move. An even vurse dan dat,, I could hear old Bessie a moanin' and a groanin'. I knew she vas in terrible pain yust by her groans.

Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie a moanin' and a groanin' too, so he vent over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her right between the eyes.

Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'

'Now wot da fock vud you say?'

___________________________ ______________________________




Drafting Guys Over 60.............



I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to
track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to
join the military. They've got the whole thing ***-backwards.
Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take
us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit
until you're at least 35.

For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about
sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about
sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000
additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy..

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a
cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't
sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are impatient and maybe
letting us kill some terrorists that desperately deserves it
will make us feel better and shut us up for awhile..

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am . Old guys
always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I
said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may
as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where
we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number
would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting
screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also
developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them
for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the
screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however... I've
been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope
hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any push ups after
completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've
never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still
learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl.
He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to
shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little
more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The
last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off
old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons, who know
that their best years are already behind them.

HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!!
You think MEN have attitudes??

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on
border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!

The preceding is in big type so the over 60's can read it.

______________________________ ___________________________




________________________________ ___________________________

Chicago Pete

Kerrmudgeon

Barack, The Devil & Hell........


One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the door of the next room.

In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Obama.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said...........





"OK, Monica, you're free to go."

_____________________________ ___________________________


An Italian, a Frenchman and an Aussie...

...are talking about screams of passion.

The Italian fellow said:
"Last night I massaged my wife all over her Body with the finest olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non stop for five minutes."

The Frenchman said:
"Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac oil, and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight."

The Aussie said:
That's nothing!!!. Last night I massaged my wife ,you know, all over her body with a special butter.I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then made love and I made her scream for two long hours."

The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two full hours ?....wow that's phenomenal !
How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?"
The Aussie replied
"I wiped my hands on the curtains."

_______________________________ _______________________________



________________________________ _______________________________


The Evolution of Man by Country......



_________________________________ _______________________________

GEM '62

Should I Really Join Facebook? (Priceless)
Read it all the way through! It's a good laugh! AND really quite true!!

A good laugh for people in the over 50 group !!!

When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grand kids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting World.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship..
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do fart a lot."

P.S. I know some of you are not over 50. I sent it to you to allow you to forward it to those who are.
We senior citizens don't need anymore gadgets. The TV remote and the garage door remote are about all we can handle.

red65Michigan

An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the

new course and heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of

the club house.

As he passes through the swinging

doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that

reads:

COLD BEER: $5.00

HAMBURGER: $10.00

CHEESEBURGER: $15.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH: $18.50

HAND JOB: $250.00

Checking his

wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer

walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally

attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a

couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.


She glides down behind the bar to

the old golfer.

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide,

knowing smile. "May I help you sir?"

The old golfer

leans over the bar and whispers, "I was wondering young

lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around

here?"

She looks into his wrinkled eyes

and with a wide smile purrs, "Yes sir, I sure

am."

The old golfer leans in even

closer and into her left ear says softly, "Well then, be

sure to wash your hands real good, because I want a

cheeseburger."


-------------------

A Cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, recognized an elderly man
standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest
gun in the West.

The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and
told him the story of his great ambition.

'Do you think you could give me some tips?' he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for one thing, you're
wearing your gun too high, tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.

' 'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'Sure will,' replied the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the
bow tie off the piano player.

'That's terrific!' said the hot shot. 'Got any more tips for me?'

'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer
hits it, that'll give you a smoother draw'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the younger man.

'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a
blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more
tips?'

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle
grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the
barrel of his gun.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and
all.' 'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano,
he's gonna shove that gun up your a$$, and it won't hurt as much.'

GEM '62

There were two nuns

One of them was known as **Sister Mathematical** **(SM)**,**

and the other one was known as **Sister Logical (SL)**.**

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent. **

SM:** **Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past**38
½ minutes**? I wonder what he wants. **

SL:** It's logical. He wants to violate** **us. **

SM: **Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in **15 minutes **at the most!
What can we do? **

SL:** The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.*
*
A little while later...*
*
SM:** It's not working. **

SL:** Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He
started to walk faster, too. **

SM**: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in **1 minute**. *
*

SL:** The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll
go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow **Sister Logical.** *

Sister Mathematical **arrives at the convent and is worried about what has
happened to **Sister Logical**.

Then **Sister Logical** arrives. **

SM: **Sister Logical**! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened! **

SL**: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so
he followed me **

SM**: Yes, yes! But what happened then? **

SL**: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could
and he started to run as fast as he could. **

SM**: And? **

SL** : The only logical thing happened. He reached me. **

SM** : Oh, dear! What did you do? **

SL** : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up. **

SM** : Oh, Sister! What did the man do? **

SL**: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants. *

SM:** Oh, no! What happened then? **

SL** : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster
than a man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty…………………

Say two Hail Marys!
-------------------------------------------------------------

TEXAS POLICE DO CARE

I get irritated when people come down on our police officers,

saying that they don't care about or respect others. Well, here

is a story that clearly shows not all cops are in that category.



This story involves the police department in the small hill country

town of Fredericksburg, TX who reported finding a man's body

last Saturday in the early evening in the Pedernales River near the

State Highway 87 bridge. The dead man's name would not be

released until his family had been notified.



The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption

while visiting "someone" in Kerrville. He was wearing black fishnet

stockings, 4-inch spiked heels, a red garter belt, a pink G-string,

purple lipstick, dazzle dust on his eyelids, 1/2 inch false eyelashes

and an Obama T-shirt. The police removed the Obama T-shirt to

spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.



See there ... Texas police do care

---------------------------------------------------------------------BLOND PILOT



This is the story of a blonde flying in a two-seater airplane
with just the pilot.

He has a heart attack and
dies. She, frantic, calls out a May Day. "May Day! May

Day! Help me! Help me!
My pilot had a heart attack and is dead.
And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"
She hears a voice over the radio saying:
"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you
loud and clear. I will talk you through this and
get you back on the ground.

I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem.
'Now, just take a deep breath.

Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and
position."

She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the
front seat."

"O.K." says the voice calmly on the radio....
"Repeat after
me: Our Father. Who art in Heaven....."

vt65

some good thoughts:

Railroadman

An 80-year old woman was arrested for shoplifting. At her court appearance the judge asked her what she stole.
"A can of peaches," she replied, with her head hung down in shame.
"Why did you steal the can of peaches?" asked the judge.
"I was hungry and had no food at home," she replied.
"How many peaches were in the can?" he asked.
"Six," she replied.
"Then I sentence you to six days in jail. I realize that you have a good character and were desperate, but you have to learn that stealing is not the answer."

Before the judge could conclude, the woman's husband interrupted vehemently and demanded that he be heard.
"Yes, what is it?" asked the judge.
"She also stole a can of peas, Your Honor..."
* * * * *



A motorist, after being bogged down in a muddy road, paid a passing farmer $50 to pull him out with his tractor.

After he was back on dry ground, he said to the farmer, “At that price, I should think you’d want to be pulling people out of the mud day and night.”

“Can’t,” replied the farmer. “At night I haul water for the hole.”
* * * * *


Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, HE WILL!
There's no need to remind him every six months about it.
* * * * *


WORDS OF WISDOM:
If your wife or girlfriend ever asks "If I were to arrange a three-way for your birthday, which of my friends would you pick to join in?",

NEVER give TWO names!
* * * * *


At a girl’s college dormitory, dates were permitted only on Saturday night.

One young man showed up on a Tuesday evening, explaining to an older woman in the lobby of the dorm that it was imperative he see a certain young lady immediately.

“I want to surprise her. You see, I’m her brother.”

“Oh, she’ll be surprised all right,” said the woman. “But not more than I am! I’m her mother!”

* * * * *


Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside town hall where a flower show was in progress.

One leaned over and said, “Cripes, life is boring. We never have any fun these days. For $5.00 I’d take my clothes off and streak through the flower show!”

“You’re on!” said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.

As fast as she could, the first little old lady fumbled her way out of her clothes, and completely naked, streaked through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend heard a huge commotion inside the hall followed by loud applause.

The naked lady ran back outside surrounded by a cheering crowd.

“What happened?” asked her waiting friend. “Are you OK?”

“I’m great! said the naked lady. “I just won 1st prize for ‘Best Dried Arrangement!’”

Kerrmudgeon

Kerrmudgeon

These just in from SCP63..........


ARE WE THE ONES WHO ARE AGING??

ONE:

Recently, when I went to Mc Dona ld's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.

I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the
teenager at the counter.

'You don't?' I replied.

'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.

'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'

'That's right.'

So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

(Unbelievable but sadly true...)
(must have been the same one I asked for sweetener and she said they didn't have any, only splenda and sugar.)

TWO:

I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the
'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.

Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'

I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'

She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.

She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE:

A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.

When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.' (keep shuddering!!)

FOUR:

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked. She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'

'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.

'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered,
handing it and the car keys to me. As I
took the key and manually unlocked the door, I
replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and
check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'


PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!

FIVE:

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.

Brunette, by the way!!!!!!!!!!!

SIX:

A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......'

Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency!'

out2kayak

As there are many returning to the institutions of learning:





-- Joe

ricks327

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the elderly gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.
"I would like it infrequently," she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered,
"Is that one word or two?"

Kerrmudgeon

Kerrmudgeon

You can say what you want about Florida , but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north.
These are actual ads seen in ''The Villages'' Florida newspaper. (Who says seniors don't have a sense of humour?)



----------------------------------------------------

FOXY LADY:
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty,
80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'),
Searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.
Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
----------------------------------------------------


LONG-TERM COMMITMENT:
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband,
Looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness,
Fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

----------------------------------------------------


SERENITY NOW:
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and
Meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together,
Take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
----------------------------------------------------


WINNING SMILE:
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flossier
To share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
----------------------------------------------------


BEATLES OR STONES?
I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on
Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar.
If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen,
let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
----------------------------------------------------


MEMORIES:
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.
If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads
Together.

----------------------------------------------------

My favorite …

MINT CONDITION:

Male, 1932 model , high mileage, good condition, some hair,
Many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves.
Isn't in running condition, but walks well.

Railroadman

Kerrmudgeon, I don't know whether to laugh at those because they're clever and funny, or cry because that's what lies ahead.....

Kerrmudgeon

I'll sneak this late one in from bill Schmit.......


Sunday Services......

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer
of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and
small American flags mounted on either side of it.

The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the
pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, “Good morning,
Alex.”

“Good morning, Pastor,” he replied, still focused on the plaque. “Pastor,
what is this?”

The pastor said, “Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women
who died in the service.”

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally,
little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked,



“Which service - the 8:30 or the 11:00?”

Kerrmudgeon

Pervert Call:

The phone rings, and the wife answers. A pervert, with heavy breathing, says, "I bet you have a tight *** with no hair"

Woman replies, "Yes I do, he's watching TV - whom shall I say is calling?"

out2kayak

"Generally, by the time you are real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby.

But these things don't matter at all, because once you are real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand." - Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit

Wow, I never realized my physical state was in a book.

out2kayak

-- Joe