Kerrmudgeon

Bank Jokes.

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell you are doing?" "Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!" "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "I'm a lawyer. Do ya see me screwing the guy in front of me?"

Bank Teller A middle aged man walks into the bank and says to the young teller, "I want to open a fk'ing checking account". "Please sir", she replies, "we can't have language like that in here." "Why the f**k not?" he asked. "Sir," Came her retort, "I must ask you to refrain from swearing." "I don't give a **** what you want," he answers, "I just want to open a fk'ing checking account." With this the teller leaves and returns in a moment with her branch manager. The manager asks if he might be able to help the gentleman. "**** yes", came the reply, "I just won 14 million dollars in the lottery and want to open a fk'ing checking account." The branch manager says, "I see, and this stupid, f'king, bitch is giving you a hard time?"

Two blondes were planning to rob a bank. The first blonde had a tendency to be smarter than the second. They went over and over their plans for the robbery and finally they headed out to commit the crime. They pulled up in their car in front of the bank. The first blonde says to the second blonde, "Are you SURE you understand the plan?" "Yes!" replied the second blonde. So the second blonde gets out of the passenger side of the car and heads into the bank. Time passes, and after 10 minutes the second blonde has not returned. The first blonde gets very nervous. Finally, out comes the second blonde from the bank dragging the safe behind her by a rope, and seconds behind her comes the guard with his pants down." No you idiot! I told you to blow the SAFE and tie-up the GUARD!"

The bank manager was in the final stages of hiring a cashier and was down to two final applicants -- one of which would get the job.The first one interviewed was from a small college in upstate New York. A nice young man, but a bit timid.Then he called for the second man, "Jim Johnson!" Up stepped a burley young man who seemed quite sure of himself." He looks like he can take care of any situation," thought the manager,and decided, there and then,to hire him. He turned to the first applicant and told him he could go and they would let him know. Turning to Johnson, he said, "Now Jim, I like the way you carry yourself -- that's an important asset for the job as cashier.However,you must be precise. I noticed you did not fill out the place on the application where we asked your formal education." Jim looked a little confused so the manager said,"Where did you get your financial education?" "Oh," replied Jim -- "Yale." "That's very good ...
excellent. You're hired!Now that you're working for us, what do you prefer to be called?" Jim answered "I don't care Yim or Mr. Yonson."

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Class reunion...

I took the wife to her Class Reunion at a disco-dance club last weekend.

There was a guy there, out on the dance floor, giving it large. He was break dancing, moon walking, back flips . . you name it . . you know . ."the works".

My wife says to me, "That guy proposed to me 25 years ago and I turned him down."

I said, "Looks like he's still celebrating...!!! "

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<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Kerrmudgeon

Curvette1

Some Senior Thoughts

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do... and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm older (but refuse to grow up) here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all bran.

3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded. (ha ha)

6. If all is not lost, where is it?

7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

8. Some days, you're the dog...some days you're the hydrant.

9. I wish the buck stopped here. I sure could use a few.

10 Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12.. It's hard to make a comeback when you really haven't been anywhere.

13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

14 If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play chess?

16. It 's not hard to meet expenses . . .they're everywhere.

17.The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18.These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . .I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm hereafter.

19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

jlagarde

Ten Best Caddy Responses

Number : 10
Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

Number : 9
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

Number : 8
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes . . . . You miss the ball much closer now."

Number : 7
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

Number : 6
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so . . . .That would be too much of a coincidence."

Number : 5
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

Number : 4
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "It's very good - but personally, I prefer golf."

Number : 3
Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: "The way you play, it's a sin on any day."

Number : 2
Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course . . . . We left that an hour ago."

And the Number : 1 . . . . Best Caddy Comment:
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

Bonus . . . . .
An old favorite . .. . . .
About the Golfer who has been slicing off the tee at every hole . . . . .
He finally gives up and asks his long suffering caddy. . . . .
Golfer: "Can you see any obvious problems . . . .??"
Caddy: "There's a piece of **** on the end of your club."
Golfer: He picks up his club up and cleans the club face . . . . .
Caddy: "No sir, it's at the other end."

jlagarde

The ultimate ethnic joke


An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans, walk into a fine restaurant.


"I'm sorry," says the matre d', scrutinizing the group one by one and barring their entrance into the restaurant.


"You can't come in here without a Thai."

jlagarde

Punliners?


Two blondes walk into a building --- you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.



Phone answering machine message: 'If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key.'



A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Saran wrap for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'



I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day --- but I couldn't find any.


I went to a Seafood Disco last week, and pulled a muscle.



A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him.' and he picks up the dog and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? --- because he's cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really, really, heavy'


Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world is Chinese. There are 5 people in our family so one of them must be Chinese. It's either me or Sue --- or my oldest son Tommy or my daughter Jenny --- or my youngest son Won Ton Chi Ho-Cha-Chu --- but I think it's Tommy.



Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.



'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windshield. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'



A man walked into the doctor's, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places' The doctor said, 'Well don't go there any more'

red65Michigan

The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor in a small town in Scotland. One
day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady of his
congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer.

The Reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open door of the pub &
sat down next to the woman.

"Miss MacDonald," he said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my
congregation. Why don't you let me take you home."

"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Miss MacDonald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back &
forth. The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink & grabbed her
arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance & tumbled to the
floor. After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of
Miss MacDonald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The pub landlord looked over & said, "Oy mate, we won't have any of that
carrying on in this pub."

The Reverend looked up at the landlord & said, "But you don't
understand, I'm Pastor Fluff."

The landlord nodded & said, "Ah well, if you're that far in, ye might as
well finish."


-----------------

Running and sex...


They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles.
Who the hell runs 8 miles in 45 seconds?

Kerrmudgeon

one from Bill Schmit......


Old Farmer's Advice......


“Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.”

“Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.”

“Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.”

“A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.”

“Words that soak into your ears are whispered…....not yelled.”

“Meanness don't just happen overnight.”

“Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.”

“Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.”

“It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.”

“You cannot unsay a cruel word.”

“Every path has a few puddles.”

“When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.”

“The best sermons are lived, not preached.”

“Most of the stuff people worry about, ain't never gonna happen anyway.”

“Don 't judge folks by their relatives.

“Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.”

“Live a good and honorable life, then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.”

“Don 't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none.”

“Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.”

“If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.”

“Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

“The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.”

“Always drink upstream from the herd.”

“Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.”

“Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.”

“If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.”

“Live simply, love generously, care deeply,
speak kindly, and leave the rest to God.”

“Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you.”

....last one is my favourite!

Railroadman

Saint Peter is checking ID's at the Pearly Gates, and first comes a Texan.

'Tell me, what have you done in life?' says St. Peter.

The Texan says, 'Well, I struck oil, so I became rich. When I realized I was getting along in years, I knew I couldn't take it with me so I divided all my money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants are all set for about three generations.'

St. Peter says, 'That's quite something. Come on in. Next!'

The second guy in line has been listening, so he says, 'I struck it big in the stock market. As I got old, I donated five million to Save the Children.'

'Wonderful!' says Saint Peter. 'Come in. Who's next?'

The third guy has been listening, and says timidly with a downcast look, 'Well, I looked at my bank accounts when I took sick, but I only had about a hundred bucks left."

'Heavens!' says St. Peter. 'What year Corvette did you have?'

Kerrmudgeon

.....ain't it the truth! Best one today.

vic z

The Harley-Davidson Review

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven.'
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said,'I want to hang out with God.'St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?" Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'God commented: "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke,
'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'
God said, "Ah, yes."
'Well,' said Arthur, professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention.
1. There's too much inconsistency in the
front-end suspension.

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.

3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about
too much.
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!
"Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there, replied God, "hold on."
God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

Kerrmudgeon

What Does A Bra Do?

A man walked into the women's department of Shoppers Stop in Mumbai city. He found a saleslady, and told her, 'I would like a Punjabi bra for my wife, size 34 B.'

With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, 'What kind of bra?'

He repeated 'A Punjabi bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a
Punjabi bra, and that you would know what she means.'

'Ah, now I remember,' said the saleslady. 'We don't get as many
requests for them as we used to. Mostly our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the Lenin bra, or the Thacher bra.'

Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked, 'So, what are the
differences? '

The saleslady responded. 'It is all really quite simple. The Catholic
bra supports the masses. The Lenin bra lifts up the fallen and
downtrodden, and the Thacher bra keeps one staunch and upright.'

He mused on that information for a minute, and asked, 'So, what does
the Punjabi bra do?'

'The Punjabi bra,' she replied, 'makes mountains out of molehills.'

out2kayak

GETTING DRESSED - PATSY O HAGAN

If there’s wan thing on earth that makes me depressed,
It’s sitting waiting on the wife getting dressed.
I swear till watch her would make you insane.
Some of he antics I’ll try and explain

Now we’re asked out till this fancy ‘do’,
And I’m sitting shining from my head till my shoe.
I’ve shampooed and I’ve shaved and had a wee shower
All done you might say, in a third of an hour.

But Maggie, she’s different, I’ll have you to know.
I can’t think of a word that’s slower than slow.
She won’t have a shower in case she might slide,
So the bath is filled up and Radox applied.

She slaps and she splashes and she sings and she laughs
You’d swear there was a crocodile let loose in our bath.
She rubs and she scrubs and her hair she got set
Is tied back with a scarf in case it gets wet.

Then she dries herself with four towels or more
And the powder she uses is like snow on the floor.
I believe she’s a magician, because from her wee bag with a flap
Our Maggie can produce a full chemist’s shop.

There’s creams and there’s lotions and colours so bright
And wee dainty paint brushes, boys it’s a sight.
There’s lipstick and polish and bottles of spray
And wee things to pull out those hairs that turn grey

Now her make up is on and she’s powdered her nose,
But the worst bit of all is when she’s choosing her clothes
There’s no saying on earth I bet will compare
As a woman complaining that she’s got nothing to wear.
.
Now in front of the wardrobe she laments and she whinges
And the bloody thing is stuffed to the hinges,
With dresses all sizes and colours so gay
Some meant for the sunshine or a cold winters day

So with wan hand on her hinch and wan on her chin
She examines the contents that’s hanging within.
Then the clanging of hangers rings loud in my head
As a dozen or so outfits are flung on the bed.


I just sit and say nothing for I know that is best.
I’m sitting ready, she’s the wan that’s not dressed.
Now in front of the mirror she’ll stand and she’ll grin
The first wan tried on as she pulls herself in.

She’ll pivot, she’ll smile, she’ll pose and she’ll sway
‘That doesn’t look right’ as she throws it away
The next wan’s the same she tries then she throws
Still complaining ‘I’ve got no bloody clothes’

By now I’m convinced our Maggie’s not wise,
When she’s picking her clothes does she not think of her size
I sit and say nothing, not wan word have I said
As another dress is flung on the bed

It’s maybe just me I’m easy depressed
Or is this the done thing when a woman gets dressed.
She has me all confused. I’m in a terrible state,
The Do was at nine, it’s now ten and we’re late.

Railroadman

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: “Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?”

The shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he’s on her level, and asks: “Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?”

The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: “I don’t fink my pyfon really careth.”

66jack

steampunk c1

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut ?"
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours."
The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours."
The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half..."
The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes.
He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back."

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, "So, where does he go when he leaves?"

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!"

steampunk c1

It was Postman Pat's



last day on the job after



35 years of carrying the mail



through all kinds of weather



to the same villages and towns.




When he arrived at the first



house on his route,



he was greeted by the whole



family there, who all hugged



and congratulated him and



sent him on his way with a



cheque for £50.





At the second house they presented



him an 18-carat gold watch.




The folks at the third house handed



him a bottle of 15-year old



Scotch whisky.

At the fourth house he was



met at the door by a dumb



blonde in her lingerie.



She took him by the arm and



led him up the stairs to the



bedroom where she blew his mind



with the most passionate love



he had ever experienced.



When they went downstairs,



the blonde fixed him a full



English breakfast: Bacon,



Eggs, Sausage & Tomato



with freshly squeezed orange juice.



As she was pouring him a cup of



steaming coffee,



he noticed a quid coin in the saucer.

'All this was just too wonderful for words,'



he said, 'but what's the quid for?'

'Well,' said the dumb blonde,



'Last night, I told my husband that



today would be your last day and



that we should do something special



for you'.



'I asked him what I should give you'.
He said, 'F**k him. Give him a quid.'

She smiled shyly and said,



'The breakfast was my idea.'

vic z

The clip speaks for itself.
http://www.youtube.com/v/xMZKNYaIdvs...hl=en_US&rel=0

Railroadman

Vic, you made my day!

Kerrmudgeon

So the Pope sez...

The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase, "Tutti Homini" - Blessed be Mankind.

A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day. They noticed that the Pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind.

The next day, after His sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, "Tutti Homini, et Tutti Femini" - Blessed be Mankind and Womankind.

The next day, a gay-rights group approached the Pope.
They said that they noticed that he blessed man kind and woman kind, and asked if he could also bless gay people.

The Pope said, "Sure".

The next day, the Pope concluded his sermon with, "Tutti Homini, et Tutti Femini, et Tutti Fruiti."