magicv8

Surgery;
Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."
The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."
The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable."
Fifth surgeon said, "I like Engineers...they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end..."

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REAL ENGINEERS... · Real Engineers consider themselves well dressed if their socks match.
· Real Engineers buy their spouses a set of matched screwdrivers for their birthday.
· Real Engineers wear mustaches or beards for "efficiency". Not because they're lazy.
· Real engineers have a non-technical vocabulary of 800 words.
· Real Engineers think a "biting wit" is their fox terrier.
· Real Engineers know the second law of thermodynamics - but not their own shirt size.
· Real Engineers repair their own cameras, telephones, televisions, watches, and automatic transmissions.
· Real Engineers say "It's 70 degrees Fahrenheit, 25 degrees Celsius, and 298 degrees Kelvin" and all you say is "Isn't it a nice day"
· Real Engineers give you the feeling you're having a conversation with a dial tone or busy signal.
· Real Engineers wear badges so they don't forget who they are. Sometimes a note is attached saying "Don't offer me a ride today. I drove my own car".
· Real Engineers' politics run towards acquiring a parking space with their name on it and an office with a window.
· Real Engineers know the "ABC's of Infrared" from A to B.
· Real Engineers rotate their tires for laughs.
· Real Engineers will make four sets of drawings (with seven revisions) before making a bird bath.
· Real Engineers' briefcases contain a Phillips screwdriver, a copy of "Quantum Physics", and a half of a peanut butter sandwich.
· Real Engineers don't find the above at all funny.

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Two Engineers agree to paint a flag pole. Of course they need to know how tall it is so they can purchase the paint. One shimmies up the pole with a tape measure and falls after reaching about half way. While trying to figure out how they can possibly measure the pole along comes a Designer. After asking what they're doing he replies, "that s easy". He then reaches around the pole and pulls it out of the ground and lays it down. "There you go", he said as he walked away. The two Engineers look at each other and one said "that stupid guy will never get anywhere, we don't need to know how wide it is, just how tall".

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An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

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"A Boy and His Frog" A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The boy said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

ENGINEERS & GUILLOTINES
During the French Revolution, three professionals were arrested and convicted of having bourgeois values. They were a doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer. They were to be led to the guillotine one by one. The crowd was roaring with anticipated pleasure. First up was the doctor. How dare he enrich himself through other people's illnesses? Access to basic health care is a right, right? The doctor was placed in the guillotine, and the lanyard was yanked. The blade started on its massive, implacable way down. And lurched to a stop. The official in charge declared that it would be inhumane to make the doctor suffer this way more than once, so he was setting the doctor free. The crowd howled. The executioner checked his equipment. All was in order. He put a small tree branch in, and successfully lopped it in half. He re-sharpened the blade. Next up was the lawyer. Who needs an excuse to wish such a lying, cheating scoundrel dead? The crowd was thunderous in its applause. The lawyer was placed in the guillotine, and the lanyard was yanked. Again, the blade stopped part-way down! The presiding official once again said that he would set this prisoner free because of the unusual circumstances. The crowd screamed in frustration. Now came the engineer, a man whose innovations and devices were costing jobs. The crowd fell silent. The executioner checked and re-checked his equipment. As the engineer was marched up to the guillotine, he looked carefully at it, and said, "Wait. I see your problem...."

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ENGINEERS & GUILLOTINES again
Today they're leading a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine. They ask the priest if he wants to face up or down when he meets his fate. The priest says that he would like to face up so he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.
Next the drunkard comes to the guillotine. He also decides to die face up hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. So they release the drunkard as well.
The engineer is next. He too decides to die facing up. They slowly raise the blade of the guillotine, when suddenly the engineer says: -Hey, I see what your problem is.-

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TOP 20 ENGINEERS' TERMINOLOGIES
1. A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED - We are still pissing in the wind.
2. EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM - We just hired three kids fresh out of college.
3. CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION - We know who to blame.
4. MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH - It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.
5. CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED - We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.
6. PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE - The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.
7. TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING - We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.
8. THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED - The only person who understood the thing quit.
9. IT IS IN THE PROCESS - It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.
10. WE WILL LOOK INTO IT - Forget it! We have enough problems for now.
11. PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL - Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.
12. GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING - We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done.
13. GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION - I can't wait to hear this bull!
14. SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS - Come into my office, I'm lonely.
15. ALL NEW - Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.
16. RUGGED - Too damn heavy to lift!
17. LIGHTWEIGHT - Lighter than RUGGED.
18. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - One finally worked.
19. ENERGY SAVING - Achieved when the power switch is off.
20. LOW MAINTENANCE - Impossible to fix if broken.

Blk63Vette

Hello

I deal with engineers all the time in construction...We had a new one come in last week...He told me he was and engineer..I said "toot toot" He gave me a blank stare..

magicv8

There were three young engineering students sitting on the lawn, visiting. They were discussing the human body, pondering who could have designed such an incredible machine...

The mechanical engineering student offered, "I think it must have been a mechanical engineer. Consider all the pivots, joints, and other mechanical solutions that the body uses. Definitely a robotics-oriented approach."

The electrical engineering student disagreed: "No, I think it had to be an electrical engineer. Think about all the connections we have that involve some form of electricity--brain waves, nerve impulses, muscle reactions... the list just goes on and on."

They sat quietly for several minutes, deep in thought. Finally, the civil engineering student broke the silence: "I think it had to be a civil engineer. Who else would think to run a waste water line through a recreational area?"

`````````````````````````
Three engineers are riding down the road in a car. Suddenly, the car begins to develop trouble. It's sputtering and it sounds like it's going to stall.

The first engineer is a chemical engineer. He says, "It could be something in the fuel line. Lets put an additive into the gas and maybe that will take care of the problem."

The second engineer is an electrical engineer. She says, "It could be something in the electrical system. Let's replace the wires and the distributor cap. Maybe that will take care of the problem."

The third engineer is a software engineer from Microsoft. He says, "It could be that we've too many windows open. Let's close all the windows, turn off the car, then restart the car and open all the windows again. Maybe that will take care of the problem."

`````````````````````````
Q: When does a person decide to become an engineer?
A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to be an undertaker.

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Q: How can you tell an extroverted engineer?
A: When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own.

Plastic Pig

Oh stop ! Where I ask is the fun in that ?

This makes for much more entertaining reading.

32hibo

I worked with mech engineers for 31 plus years...learned a LOT...however there were a few that I had to tell, There is a difference between being smart and knowing something....some are VERY smart but dont know a damn thing.....dont mean to insult anyone but being book smart is not the whole story...some people just know HOW things work and some never will....

magicv8

Actually, the best thing about being an engineer is the statement on the back of my diploma that says I never have to read instructions.

Engineer: (noun) Someone who turns abstractions into malfunctions.

PS: You just might be an engineer if:
-you save the power cord from a broken appliance for future use.
- you use a CAD package to design your son's soap box car.
- you have more toys than your kids.
- your wristwatch has more buttons than your telephone.
- you know the direction water swirls when you flush.
- your three year old daughter asks you why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory.

Richard454

My favorite....

What do Engineers use for birth control?


Their PERSONALITY!!!

67pete

My engineering humor ( we ALL could use a little more of!)

ENGINEERING CONVERSION TABLES

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi

2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton

1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope

Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond

Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram

Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong

365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1 lite year

16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling

Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon

1000 aches: 1 kilohurtz

Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower

Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line. (think about it for a moment)

453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake

1 million microphones: 1 megaphone

1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles

2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds (work on it....)

10 cards: 1 decacards

1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton

1000 cubic centimeters of wet socks: 1 literhosen

1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche

1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin

10 rations: 1 decoration

100 rations: 1 C-ration

2 monograms: 1 diagram

8 nickels: 2 paradigms

3 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League

100 Senators: Not 1 decision

wmf62

Bill

DZAUTO

I WAS going to leave this whole issue alone (let a sleeping dog lie), until I read the above-------------------then I changed my mind.
I've worked with engineers for MANY years, and, 2 of my sons are engineers (one of them has math, physics, engineering degrees and has his PE). When I can't figure something out, I go and ask an engineer (but first I preface my question with "Just tell me what time it is, don't tell me how to build a watch"!!!!!!!!!!). Sometimes I get fairly harsh with engineers. Their intentions are good, but their common sense and people skills are frequently a little weak. Recently, where I worked, we had a kid engineer (started out as in intern, and became full time after graduation) come on board and he was the airframe engineer that I worked directly with. I started training him from day one (on non-engineering aspects of the job), and as a result, he has turned out pretty darn good!!!! Whereas, the other engineer that I normally worked with for many years, there were times that I just wanted to revert to my younger years of just punching people right square between the running lights! And sometimes I still wish someone would do that to him. He is literally the kind of person above who would ask what a toruqe wrench is. He has the engineering smarts to design a wing, but he CANNOT drill out a rivet and shoot a new one!!!! And furthermore, will never go out on the hanger floor to look at something because he knows what needs to be done without seeing it-----------------------------AND 99% OF THE TIME, HE'S RIGHT!

6tee6

When I first started college...many many years ago, i thought I wanted to be an engineer.

I quickly realized the pocket protectors clashed with my cowboy hat and made my hips look to wide....therefore I switched schools and curriculums and became a forester

magicv8

I had a high school guidance counselor talk me out of being a commercial artist and going to engineering school (I loved calculus). 31 years ago I arrived in Montana for the first time and realized I should have been a forestry major. I hike the mountains every summer.

PS: My daughter took my advice and followed her dream. She is a graphic artist.

You might be an engineer if . . .

. . . you have no life and can prove it mathematically.

. . . you enjoy pain.

. . . you know vector calculus and can even do long division.

. . . you chuckle whenever anyone says “centrifugal force.”

. . . you’ve actually ever used every single function on your graphing calculator.

. . . it is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.

. . . you know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water.

. . . you think in “math.”

. . . you’ve calculated that the World Series actually diverges.

. . . you hesitate to look at something because you don’t want to break down its wave function.

. . . you have a pet named after a scientist.

. . . you laugh at jokes about mathematicians.

. . . the Humane Society has had you arrested because you actually performed the Schroedinger’s Cat Experiment.

. . . you can translate English into Binary.

. . . you can’t remember what’s behind the door in the science building which says "Exit.”

. . . you have to bring a jacket with you, in the middle of summer, because there’s a wind-chill factor in the lab.

. . . you are completely addicted to caffeine.

. . . you avoid doing anything because you don’t want to contribute to the eventual heat-death of the universe.

. . . you consider any non-science course “easy.”

. . . when your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that according to Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe.

. . . the “fun” center of your brain has deteriorated from lack of use.

. . . you’ll assume that a “horse” is a “sphere” in order to make the math easier.

. . . you understood more than five of these indicators.

. . . you make a hard copy of this list and post it on your office door.

. . . you think it might be a neat idea to send this message to all of your friends in the form of email.

Joel 67

I really don't like the idea of a forum police, but this thread has also gotten a bit off topic

magicv8

I don't think so. Verle started out by bringing up peculiarities of engineers. Just so no one misses the point, there is nothing personal in the peculiarities. Engineers are like that, whether or not anyone (even other engineers) like it or understand it.

Donny Brass

another forestry major

RGGregory

Wow. I've been away too long...add another eccentric, ****, terse, thin-skinned engineer to the list...that comes with the nature and eccentricities that make us good engineers...think of Duntov and Hyman Rickover (father of nuclear propulsion and by far the MOST intolerable, self-righteous, thin-skinned, elitist ever - I know firsthand, but we've never had a nuclear power mishap on a Navy ship, and he's why - ask the Russians abou their record).

Going back to Achimedes, Hero of Alexandria, and DaVinci, engineers made all the fun s--t...

Joel 67

Sorry, I must have misunderstood.

I thought it was about a personal rivalry between Duke and KyleDallas, and possibly an attempt to make nice between them so that both of them might be able to co-exist on this board (since even in disagreement, both are an asset to the board).

Joel 67

I do not understand this one either. I guess my reading comprehension is very low these days.

Donny Brass

two guys have confessed to either going into or wanting to go into forestry because they could not understand engineers.......

then you post that you don't understand the turn this thread has taken


hense my comment........ made purely for comic reasons with no malice as indicated by the smileys.........


I'll post a better flow chart later ..........

Joel 67

I see . . . I did not read any of the "you know your an engineer posts".

Please do post the flow chart though.